Weekend jitters.

Home alone for the first time in months & months & months.. In fact I probably can't remember how long ago it was. Was meant to be spending it with the boy, but he's poorly so he's resting at home. But yeah.. Spent the day watching Gavin and Stacey and putting up the Christmas decorations.

It's weird doing it because I remember this time last year and WOW how things have changed. I am so much better than I was then. The boy told me he loved me for the first time and every single time I think about it, I have a smile on my face. Sometimes I really do wonder if he maybe the person I'm meant to be with. But I don't think I see him enough to really know one way or another; but he definitely makes me happy.

But putting that all aside, I am very very very very scared. Come Tuesday at 9am, I will be having my midwifery interview to get onto the course. Sometimes I really doubt my ability to do it, because of what's happened and because it can be an incredibly emotional job. But I think I'm a lot harder and clear headed because of my past. Sometimes I do question that because I'm still an emotional cow, but that is always going to be a part of me. But yeah, I can't believe that I've got an interview for the course, like wow. I'm really hoping that I can get on and get placed at a close hospital. I just, I'm really hoping that this will be the start of my career. It means that my life is going to be on hold for 3 years, but that's ok.

I think atm that's what I've got doubts about. I'm not going to be working and I won't be getting any money. I really want to move out soon (maybe with the boy), but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I am literally too old to be living with my parents. I'm going to be 23 in 5 weeks. Today I had someone knocking at my front door and he thought that this house was mine. He then asked for my age and asked what I did - he seemed surprised. :| Really odd, but it made me feel so old (Y). FAB TIMES.

Hopefully though I can get my life on track in the next year.

Feeling so very nervous about tonight. Granted it's only 2 friiiiiiiiiends meeting up and yet I can't help but feel its more than just friends meeting up. Maybe. I don't know. Even so, I'm mentally gearing myself up to it and have got a check list of all the things I need to do before I go. So. Really, this is more than just two friends meeting up. Well, for me anyway. Damnit. I hate feeling so vulnerable and not knowing if this is completely one sided or not.

In someways I don't even want to do this. Be like this. I think it's because I'm hormonal and don't really know how to feel about anything because I can't control those emotions. I don't know, this situation has RUNAWAY written all over it. If I can just go in with a friendly attitude than I can't lose = WIN. *cough*