Ick.

The most common thought of today was : 'Please just don't be sick'. I honestly do not think I have ever been more nervous than I have been today. I literally was pleading with my stomach to remain where the FUCK it was. Thankfully, it complied well but there was a few moments where it was touch and go. The reason?

I had my midwifery interview today. It is the scariest thought that this one day has the potential to change my life, forever. I have decided that if I don't get in, I will try one more time and then I will have to find another career path. I'm not confident that I did well in my maths assessment at all - in fact I think I literally got half marks, maybe pushing to the 20 out 30 realm. But only if I am lucky. I'm semi-confident in my English. Can't tell how well or not I did in my group interview and I think I fluffed my end question on my individual interview. I know they don't expect perfection, but the thing is there are so many people applying for only 60odd places. The idea is to stand out, I just hope that my enthusiasm is what gets me through. I just want to do this so much.

Words can't even express.

Weekend jitters.

Home alone for the first time in months & months & months.. In fact I probably can't remember how long ago it was. Was meant to be spending it with the boy, but he's poorly so he's resting at home. But yeah.. Spent the day watching Gavin and Stacey and putting up the Christmas decorations.

It's weird doing it because I remember this time last year and WOW how things have changed. I am so much better than I was then. The boy told me he loved me for the first time and every single time I think about it, I have a smile on my face. Sometimes I really do wonder if he maybe the person I'm meant to be with. But I don't think I see him enough to really know one way or another; but he definitely makes me happy.

But putting that all aside, I am very very very very scared. Come Tuesday at 9am, I will be having my midwifery interview to get onto the course. Sometimes I really doubt my ability to do it, because of what's happened and because it can be an incredibly emotional job. But I think I'm a lot harder and clear headed because of my past. Sometimes I do question that because I'm still an emotional cow, but that is always going to be a part of me. But yeah, I can't believe that I've got an interview for the course, like wow. I'm really hoping that I can get on and get placed at a close hospital. I just, I'm really hoping that this will be the start of my career. It means that my life is going to be on hold for 3 years, but that's ok.

I think atm that's what I've got doubts about. I'm not going to be working and I won't be getting any money. I really want to move out soon (maybe with the boy), but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I am literally too old to be living with my parents. I'm going to be 23 in 5 weeks. Today I had someone knocking at my front door and he thought that this house was mine. He then asked for my age and asked what I did - he seemed surprised. :| Really odd, but it made me feel so old (Y). FAB TIMES.

Hopefully though I can get my life on track in the next year.

Emotional Dream.

I've just watched the 'Make me a midwife'. 

The second episode of The Midwives that has been playing on BBC2. I've never had such an emotional reaction to a TV programme. I was absolutely terrified, elated and excitied. Lately I have been having doubts about whether or not I would be able to do it. The amount of responsibility as a midwife is huge. The work load is massive and the course itself is just hard work. I do wonder if I have the ability to make it - even if I were to get onto the course.

But watching that programme has just confirmed that being a midwife is just what I want to do. More than anything in the world. I just can't explain the reaction I just got. But wow. It makes me want to get up and work on my personal statement and apply right now. But I'm not going to rush anything, the worst thing that could happen is if I didn't get it. Because this is everything to me.

Eveninggg :)

I am feeling much better these days. Can honestly say I feel like I've moved on from the all negativity and definitely trying to become a more positive person. They say it's all about perspective and here's to me changing that.

Jamie and I have become official.. The date was the 5th of August 2012 and I think I've fallen in love with him. He just makes me so happy on a really subtle level. I feel like I can be me and I don't need to worry. I just feel content and contected to him on a level I've never known before. The other night we just sat and cuddled and watched TV and I was just.. relaxed. So relaxed. I have never felt like this before. I'm not insecure, I'm not worried.. Its the first time I've not been uptight either. I do worry that sometimes I'm going to be emotional for him and I sometimes get scared of the risk of getting hurt, but I just feel like this is really worth it.

I really feel like I'm taking control of my life. I restarted my university application today to become a midwife. To be honest it wasn't a lot of work as my application from before was still about. I juts had to update it. I really hope because of the job I do, that it will give me the edge I need to get in. It's so hard to become a midwife these days because so many people want to do it. So fingers tightly crossed that I at least get to the interviews this time. Then I will freak out because I will be completely out of my depth as I don't know anything they will ask me.

Money wise I'm ok. I went into my overdraft by £200 last month - EEK. Just got paid on Monday so hopefully this month I can stop spending. I've not put £400 into my savings account and although £100 of that is going onto my tattoo, I feel that I'm getting somewhere. I always knew that the first 3 months would be a case of me spending a lot to catch up with things I needed to buy. Then having my luxuries on top of that. AKA. Two expensive tattoo's (will have cost me £400) and then my high top converses (£42), but I LOVE them. This month (I say this month, I got paid yesterday),  I spent £25 on some bed linen for the new bed sheets I have. I just need another 2 sets then I'm happy. I just need some more Pj's   & some more tights & tops & an outfit for my dad's 60th (although potentially already have an outfit in mind) for it. I have booked in a make up artist for myself for the party & am debating if I want to get my nails painted pretty or just keep them tidy for the night. Either way, I want to really push the boat out.

The only thing I need to before now & then is to finish my midwifery application & maybe lose half a stone (?!) and I will be happy.

For now I just want this cough to die and for me to feel healthy enough to get to the gym in the first place. :)

A couple of days off my routine and I'm starting to feel crap. I'm really starting to miss B. I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday when he randomly appeared outside my house. I'm trying not to cave into texting him because no doubt if he doesn't reply I'll be getting stroppy about it and then I'll just be back to the beginning. At least with this I can only forget things and move forward. The other guy that I liked S, well I think that's a no go. This is the 3rd time he hasn't replied to my message so, unless I get very drunk on Saturday and text him then I don't think I will be hearing from him again. I think I just give up on men. I just give up and I think that this is the best way to be. Not caring about having someone means that I can be ok on my own. Being single. The only downside to being single is the fact that I get a bit lonely. Ok, right now, a lot lonely. I've felt lonely all day today when I've stopped. I think, that this is because of the fact it's a week tomorrow since I spoke to him. But it's time to nip this addiction in the bud. I don't feel control, I don't feel that I have my self control when I feel as pants at this.

I know that in time this feeling will go because I will forget about him. Right now I'm concentrating on me and my life and making my career possible. Daddio's sending of my application form to volunteer at the women's refugee and I've made contact with another place. Hopefully these will all better my CV to be a midwife. My dream job. & pay. Just everything about it makes me feel excited. There is no better job for me than to be a midwife. I really pray with every being that I will get accepted into the course this year. Then I will literally have the count down to my start date which will be September '2013. Which if I can convince myself enough, is not that far away. Nope, not at all. Only a month and half. But who's counting?

I just hope that doing this volunteering will mean that I get the experience of dealing with parents/children that others won't. Plus I can always do some more at the hospital if need be. I'm just trying to keep my head away from thinking about B. Because then, then maybe it won't be so bad. Not that it's as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago - no not at all. I feel like those weeks where months ago. I feel like that horrible cloud has lifted now. But my anxiety is worse for it. I'm trying really hard not to break the roles and even something as small as that makes me worry.

As much as I want a job I really want to volunteer to get that experience under my belt. Hopefully I can do some on a Saturday or an evening if I do. I just guess I have to see how everything goes. As per.