I find it really hard to be in my bedroom right now. It's like I've gone through a break up right now. Every time I go into my bedroom it's like I'm hit with loneliness and lays itself across my chest with a grip hold. My brain keeps popping up images of me and b together. Just no reason at all. I think I've accepted that a part of me still love him and the thought of us.

But, I just miss being held. It was a mistake having him stay at mine if this is how I feel now. I don't really know what to do about it or how to make it go away. Because every time I walk into my room I feel him holding me. I do think that a part of this is because I miss being held rather than him. this is not how I'm meant to be right now. Why do I always feel this way!? I don't even understand this heartache.

I don't need it or want it. Just want it to go.

I don't really know what to say anymore. I think I'm doing better and then BOOM. I fall to pieces. I had another episode last night and I don't really know what about or whom. I just felt so shit about being lonely and not having anyone. But I feel like, I don't know. I feel like right now I need to be 'happy' single. Whatever happy is. I just don't want to care about B having another girlfriend or even seeing another girl. Just, I know one day it will happen for me.

Started doing a bit of studying for my midwifery. Just started on the first chapter, but it's a start.

As soon as I think I'm starting to make progress then I start to fall back. I just feel utter shit. Why? I think it's mainly because I saw B. Christ, he's just so bad for me clearly. If I keep feeling this way afterwards. He took me for a drive - in a car he's had 3 days. His first car too Then he stayed over mine because he was so tired. So I went to bed as well and he cuddled up to me all night. We basically had sexy time without the sex but still. He woke me up to do it as well. Then in the morning we had a shower together. It was all nicey nice. Made plans to see him on Tuesday with his friend to go for a road trip. But then after he text me asking me if I had met anyone from the dating website. Where he then tells me that he's on there too. I then click as I had a text from his mate asking if I had met someone yet. I was like whaaat?! I asked him and he said he didn't know at the time. I don't know. He said he knew a couple of weeks later, but I don't believe him now.

I just feel heartache. I just, I really don't know why I feel so heavy hearted. Really lonely. I obviously want him and he obviously doesn't want me. He doesn't want to commit to me anyway. But I don't really know. I don't want to know, I don't want to want him anymore. It just makes me feel so ick, shitty, emotional, depressed. Because this is probably not good for me in the condition that I'm in. SIGH. I'm hoping that this will pass and I can let it go. For good. maybe. Because I don't really want to.

Additionally... I'm always hungry. I really do not understand why? Is it because I'm trying to restrict what I eat and lose weight that my body has decided that it's craving food ALL the time. My stomach is now rumbling?! I've eaten lunch today and a bit of a snack. Why can't that be enough?! it's going to have to wait an hour and half before I eat and deal with it. I need some tips.

Not sure how I'm feeling today. Not looking forward to the fact that I'm going over to see J this evening. I think it's because I'm concerned that we're going to have an argument about all of it. I really do not want to talk about it, but I'm going to guess and say she will  but I don't really know. Just have to see how it goes. I think another thing affecting my mood is that I thought I would hear from B about what we're doing tomorrow, but he might leave that till this evening when he comes back from work. Or in the morning. He might have even meant the week after. But whatever. I'm trying not to let it bother me.

I just feel exhausted today. Just, want to go back into bed and forget everything. I think its because I had a really horrible dream that my mum died. It was so RAW and painful. I don't even know why I dreamt that.

I think things are starting to look up. I've been booked in for another help services next Tuesday to help with the practical side of things. Volunteering / working / benefits etc. I've got my therapy phone call in 45 minutes. I've booked into go to a midwifery workshop in March. So hopefully these are all good signs. I just wish I could get a job. I'm so utterly bored with my life and there are so many things I want to buy.

But hopefully within the next month or so things will start to look up even more.

HIYA YUMMY DINNER. Managed to cook yet another successful dinner & actually remembered to take a picture of my success. BBC good food have such good recipes for vegetarian main meals and this was just yummy. Spicy, filling. Just needed more yoghurt in my opinion. Going to be making pancakes in half an hour! YAY.