I am exhausted. I really feel emotionally and physically drained. I feel like today I have crashed landed out of whatever happiness I was in. I have officially been given the all clear from the depression, but now I've just got to deal with the anxiety. A job would seriously help with that.

A job would do wonders for me not just financially, but also in giving me a sense of fulfilment and purpose. I would have something to get up for and get something in return. I'm doing some volunteering back at the hospital in Admin in hope that it will better my chances. It's only one morning a week but it's a start and hopefully, if it goes well I can pick up another day. Anything so that I'm not stuck with the constant boredom of home life. It's not fun sitting on a Monday afternoon in the job centre waiting to just sign a bit of paper to say that I've looked for work, it's demeaning and belittling. At least for me anyway. I hate the idea that I have to ask for help, especially fiancially. I have never really asked for anything in life.. Not out right anyway. But now that I've had to, although it's a massive weight off my shoulders it just does not sit well with me. It's defiantly a struggle every day to make sure that I keep the balance of money and money going out. I need to make sure that I keep enough money in so that I'm good for October & enough to socialise with. I'm lucky in the sense that I only have to pay £45 a month in bills.. But I'm meant to pay at least £250 to my parents alone, plus my phone bill, petrol & if I could, gym membership. It's a nightmare. But that's the situation as it stands and I've sort of accepted it. In some ways in the last 2 weeks I've enjoyed my free time. Going out to the beach when I can because I love the beach, it is by far my most favourite place in the whole world. The sun has been shining, it's just lovely.

The biggest impact in my life the last couple of weeks would be the introduction of a new potential guy in my life. Jay (not his actual name.) He is the loveliest guy I have ever come across, he's sweet, caring, funny, flirty and I think, pretty gorgeous too. He's a friend of a friend.. The situation that I wanted to be. We've been texting every day for the last.. 10 days. Not a long time, but enough for some one to make an inpact. We meet on a night out and we've planned to meet up again on Friday. I really do not try and think about it, because I'm pretty terrified about it all. It's the insecurity of the whole thing, because although we get on really well.. It's still got to count of a physical level too. Something I am not comfortable at all - but that is the situation. I can count 3 negatives about the whole thing:
1 - He lives in the town my ex does. A place where every one knows every one. & in fact Jay does know B. Frickin A.
2 - He smokes. I hate smoking, so I don't know if I can deal kissing an ash tray. But I'm not going to let that put me off because it's a tiny thing amongst many good points.
3 - he doesn't drive. HELLA situation. Because that means because I drive I'm going to have to make most of the trips, been there. Done that. Not an easy situation, because I get the pressure. But if he's as lovely as he seems I think he would be worth it.

I'm just going to see by Friday what the situation is, I've already told him about B in so far as he knows him. When we dated and so on. But not what happened, how it happened, the shit, the "friends with benefits". Just god no. I'm also concerned with telling him that for the last 3 months I've had depression, but you know, it's cool cause I don't have it anymore. Fun convo to have. But that's that. I don't have to cross that bridge for a long time now - might not even have to do it. But he's lovely and he makes me giggle. I got butterflies when he text me yesterday - then I know he's thinking about me.

I think I just feel really deflated because my cycle is been going crap. Coming off the mini-pill might not have been the brightest idea but I felt that I needed to.. As soon as that sorts itself out hopefully I'll go back to feeling more myself & happy :)

Sighh. I have this really strong urge to talk to B. I don't know why I get them or what spark them - I guess I just miss him. Someone mentioned paranormal activity today and I had such a strong image of two years of me, b, j and k all sitting at b's for his birthday watching it the night before the sky dive that never happened. The image is so strong its like it happened a week ago not 2 years ago. Also stumbled across messages between b and me saying : I love you etc. it doesn't even feel like me. It's like reading two strangers having a conversation. I wish I could just forget about him and let it go. Now. Not in a few weeks or whatever.

Thing is, I know he's not missing me or wanting me so why do I wait around for him? It's his birthday at the end of the month. And it'd be a year since we broke up as well. I think it's going to be a difficult month but I'm thinking hat once this month is out of the way it'll be over. I hope. Just can't believe that in some ways I'm going to be on the same position last year this year over the same guy. Silly me. But at least I've learnt some things. Friends with benefits with an ex just doesn't work.

:(

Feeling low today. I keep getting dreams about B - as in me and him together in certain circumstances. I also dreamt the other day about K as well as B & his best mate. It was so weird because that was the situation a year ago. Well actually, longer than that. Seeing as K & J split up around this time last year. Wow. I feel in someways my head is stuck in the past, even though I feel a lot more logically about the whole thing than before.

I was meant to be going on a road trip with B & his mate but I've not heard anything from him since the other day - saturday I think. Which is good, I don't want to hear from him. But still. I feel I don't know. I dreamt last night we were together & then this morning I woke up to Adele being stuck in my head: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". This is not the sort of thing I want to think about at all. I don't want to think about it him at all. I know he's up already today, because I went on the dating website & he was there. It stings a little bit, seeing him on there. It really does. I don't want to care about it all. In some ways I think I'm making steps forward to not caring. but I don't know if I can trust that, I don't seem to really know how I feel about anything until some sort of explosion. I just checked my phone to see if he's text me: no. Although arguably I could text him - but that's not the point is it. I'm trying to let him go & move on. So not talking is the way forward.

I kind of feel stronger lately. I feel more in control of my life, I may have a potential job interview in a doctors surgery which would be fantastic. For many reasons. Just got to see if I get an interview as I got an email with the details of the job. I still feel, like, numb a lot of the time. I still feel miserable, I don't get much enjoyment out of things, but I think I'm getting better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or felt unstable. I've had a couple of nights crying, but talking to C about it has made me feel stronger. Her faith in me that I will get over things and get better makes me feel stronger. I don't feel like, I shouldn't be here anymore. Or what's the point. I defiantly still do not look to the future, I just think about the day and how I'm going to get through that. If anything I think about as far as the following two days or so. Time is going so quickly, I can't keep up. I don't know what is up or what is down these days. I had to ask J 3 times what day we were on. I just have no concept of the days.

Rethink have given me this diary thing. I think that's helped, I feel a lot more in control and structured. Whereas before I just felt lost and that I was sinking. Now I've got a good idea of what my day to day plan is, but I still feel like : 'I can't be fucked to do this'. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or because I do not have the motivation to do it. I started reading my midwifery book the other day and only got maybe 1/3 of the way through the first chapter. My attention span is shot to hell. But I had a moment of really wanting to do it - so I did. but otherwise.. for example.. right now. There's nothing I really want to do. I just want something to distract my mind away from today. If I can just get through today I will feel better. Oddly, I accidentally opened up an app on my ipod for the christmas countdown & the christmas music started playing - it was 301 days until Christmas. & that makes me sad. It makes me sad right now actually. That I'm going to be alone & single for christmas - I say alone. But only in the single sense. I will have my mum & dad etc.

God I found christmas SO hard to deal with this time round. I honestly think thats when my real depression hit. Because it would physically hurt. The reason, I think I had stayed at B's for one night and spent the day there. Yeah, and I came home for dinner. It might have been christmas Eve, or the day before, winter wipeout was on. I had the radio on and it was playing christmas songs & the loneliness I felt when I drove home. I don't know why, I don't know why I felt it. I had no problem any time before hand.. Actually, I think. I think I realised how fake the whole thing with B was, because I could pretend that I was dealing. But christmas is the time your meant to spend with your loved ones & I wasn't spending it with him. I think I've been in denial about him for a long time. I keep, I keep getting flashbacks of Ireland with him. The trip literally days before we broke up. That'll have been a year next month. Oh god, what if I can't cope through March?! It's B's birthday & a whole year since we broke up & Ireland. What if it hurts so bad? I've got a twinge now for christ sake. Fuck fuck fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Forget it, I'm just going to have to forget it. I won't care about it all by then. I have a month. Ish.

Please, let me get this job & let me move on from this.

I find it really hard to be in my bedroom right now. It's like I've gone through a break up right now. Every time I go into my bedroom it's like I'm hit with loneliness and lays itself across my chest with a grip hold. My brain keeps popping up images of me and b together. Just no reason at all. I think I've accepted that a part of me still love him and the thought of us.

But, I just miss being held. It was a mistake having him stay at mine if this is how I feel now. I don't really know what to do about it or how to make it go away. Because every time I walk into my room I feel him holding me. I do think that a part of this is because I miss being held rather than him. this is not how I'm meant to be right now. Why do I always feel this way!? I don't even understand this heartache.

I don't need it or want it. Just want it to go.

As soon as I think I'm starting to make progress then I start to fall back. I just feel utter shit. Why? I think it's mainly because I saw B. Christ, he's just so bad for me clearly. If I keep feeling this way afterwards. He took me for a drive - in a car he's had 3 days. His first car too Then he stayed over mine because he was so tired. So I went to bed as well and he cuddled up to me all night. We basically had sexy time without the sex but still. He woke me up to do it as well. Then in the morning we had a shower together. It was all nicey nice. Made plans to see him on Tuesday with his friend to go for a road trip. But then after he text me asking me if I had met anyone from the dating website. Where he then tells me that he's on there too. I then click as I had a text from his mate asking if I had met someone yet. I was like whaaat?! I asked him and he said he didn't know at the time. I don't know. He said he knew a couple of weeks later, but I don't believe him now.

I just feel heartache. I just, I really don't know why I feel so heavy hearted. Really lonely. I obviously want him and he obviously doesn't want me. He doesn't want to commit to me anyway. But I don't really know. I don't want to know, I don't want to want him anymore. It just makes me feel so ick, shitty, emotional, depressed. Because this is probably not good for me in the condition that I'm in. SIGH. I'm hoping that this will pass and I can let it go. For good. maybe. Because I don't really want to.

Better?

I am defiantly starting to feel more myself today. I don't feel any unhappiness, just feel a lot more content. Maybe it's because things are starting to sort themselves out? I don't know. Hopefully though this is a good sign. I was feeling really angry when I first woke up & had a bit of a shouting/argument with my parents about something completely irrelevant. But after having a shower and knowing that I'm seeing L tonight makes things a little bit more easier.

I think also it helps that I haven't really thought about B that much. Instead I'm thinking more about.. S. haha. This massively makes me think of J.R Ward's lessers right now. But that's neither here nor there. I've started to enjoy reading again, but I'm just wary because I'm not sure how long this will last for. If I start thinking about B to much I start feeling a sadness which I know I shouldn't. I'm hoping that forgetting about it him is going to be the way forward. I do still want him in my life as my friend, but I want to be able to do that without feeling shit/jealous if he finds a new girlfriend. Which no doubt he will. It's weird I can go days without talking to him but I'm sure if I see him on MSN I'll feel a pang of whatever it is I feel. I think I'm over the worst that I'm going to feel with regards to him.

I've also lost 1 pound. Not a massive deal since I last weighed myself, but I'd had breakfast and I've lost something. Especially with the amount of rubbish food I have been eating. Hopefully I can nip that in the bud and keep on doing my fast pace walking & shift some weight. I REALLY want to lost a stone by May... Simply because that was when I was meant to go with B to a wedding. Not sure if that will be happening, but I want to look beautiful & wonderful for that party. So, losing weight is going to be something that makes me feel happier and healthier than I really want to do it. For me. & Only for me. Because B never said once about me being too fat or too thin, or having bumps in all the wrong places. But either way I now weight 12 stone 8. so I want to be at least 11 stone by May. Even if it's 11 stone 13/14 I don't care. Just want it to go!

But regardless, I want to lose the weight, go on a few dates. Feel good again. Yes, that's what I want to do.

My Current Ex.

I think my biggest issue right now is.. my ex. I wouldn't call it an issue I'd call it a "situation". Because I can deal with the term a lot better.


I don't even know where to begin with this. We started dating in August 2009 and got together seriously a month later. 28th September if I remember correctly. Our relationship was intense from the beginning. Over the christmas period we spent 2 weeks straight together because of the intense snow fall in our area. He lives half an hour away from me and a drive that was just not worth the risk of taking. In all honesty, I don't remember it as a massive chunk. If I really try and remember I have lovely memories of the early times.. But I don't like to remember it. B was a different person that as then as he is now. Just like I am. Looking back at that early stage I don't think I could know what I was letting myself in for. In kind of looks all innocent back at that point. To clarify right now, nothing violent or anything like that ever happened between me and him. But that relationship was extremely.. complex.

Somehow at some point I got very insecure. Incredible insecure.. I think that's because of the devestation that my first ever boyfriend made me feel. But the point was.. I got insecure. I checked his phone, emails, facebook account... Because I was convinced he was going out with other people and they would try it on and I would be left... alone. He never once cheated on me and still to this day claimed he never looked at another girl. But at the time, I wasn't convinced. He had one girl trying to meet up with him clearly after one thing. I found pictures on his external hard-drive for HIS ex from about a year ago.. And it was all just.. not very clear. I think the thing that made it so hard for me in that relationship was he never really let me in & I think in the end I stopped letting HIM in with me. I was waiting for him to leave me or say he'd slept with some-one else. I didn't trust other girls with him & I guess from that I didn't trust him.  Actually.. I think the thing that sparked it off was the fact that I'd found emails from his ex & he hadn't told me about them. To his credit from that point on he always told me about anything from her... But that's what ruined my trust for him. It was the fact he never told me information. So I never knew what he was keeping from me.

After a trip away in early March 2011 we split up. I hacked into his emails and found that not even a week after we split up he was trying to sleep with another girl. I was so livid & hurt. I couldn't believe that this was the guy who had waited for 4months to have sex with me because he wanted it to mean something. So I stopped all communication with him. Until some day in July where he messaged me on MSN. A part of me wishes I could go back and never had signed on that day. Because at least now I think I'd be over him and be more clearer headed.

Since that day we said some nice things to each other. But now.. when it's coming up to a nearly a year since we broke up I'm still having sex with him. The weekend just gone I spent the whole weekend with him. Why? Because I have feelings for him & it's the only time I'm not worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing.. Or what I should or shouldn't look like. He takes me worries away, he makes me laugh so much I cry... He makes me ok.. For that short time. It upsets me that he's the only person to do that to me.. Because I'm quite sure he's texting other girls and he's admitted that to me. He had a date.. & although he said he cancelled it for whatever reason, it's not the point.

I went through his phone a while ago and some girl was texting him asking him if he wanted sex with her. I'm still not 100% if he did sleep with her. & I'm too scared of the answer to ask him if he's slept with anyone else since he's been with me. I've even gone to the extent of counting the condoms in his draw to see if they've gone down. But I really have no idea if he's slept with her. & at some point I will ask him. I will.. And I want NOT to care about the answer. But I know I will if I keep going back.

But the thing is.. Even though at times during the day I'm thinking about him & him sleeping with other girls whilst he's with me; worrying that's he going to say today "I've found some-one I want to be with. I can't be with you anymore".. I can't let it go. Because without it I feel so incredibly lonely it scares me. I felt such loneliness after I split up with L for such a long time I just don't know if I can go through with that again. I honestly didn't think that this situation with B would last as long or become as complicated as it has.

I've stopped talking about him to my friends now. Because I don't want to hear what they've got to say. I don't want to feel the pressure of having to stop it because they know it's the right thing to do. But the thing is.. The truth is.. He's like a drug. I go to him & I have great sex & I feel so much better in my skin because he makes me feel attractive and beautiful. But then when I come away I'm so worried that I'm not going to feel that again. It's not right.. God.. It's not right. For me it's not right.

But without it.. I don't know where I would get any sort of happiness from. I'm clinging on to him for my own self-esteem. But I can't see anyone else coming along.