Sighh. I have this really strong urge to talk to B. I don't know why I get them or what spark them - I guess I just miss him. Someone mentioned paranormal activity today and I had such a strong image of two years of me, b, j and k all sitting at b's for his birthday watching it the night before the sky dive that never happened. The image is so strong its like it happened a week ago not 2 years ago. Also stumbled across messages between b and me saying : I love you etc. it doesn't even feel like me. It's like reading two strangers having a conversation. I wish I could just forget about him and let it go. Now. Not in a few weeks or whatever.

Thing is, I know he's not missing me or wanting me so why do I wait around for him? It's his birthday at the end of the month. And it'd be a year since we broke up as well. I think it's going to be a difficult month but I'm thinking hat once this month is out of the way it'll be over. I hope. Just can't believe that in some ways I'm going to be on the same position last year this year over the same guy. Silly me. But at least I've learnt some things. Friends with benefits with an ex just doesn't work.

:(

A couple of days off my routine and I'm starting to feel crap. I'm really starting to miss B. I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday when he randomly appeared outside my house. I'm trying not to cave into texting him because no doubt if he doesn't reply I'll be getting stroppy about it and then I'll just be back to the beginning. At least with this I can only forget things and move forward. The other guy that I liked S, well I think that's a no go. This is the 3rd time he hasn't replied to my message so, unless I get very drunk on Saturday and text him then I don't think I will be hearing from him again. I think I just give up on men. I just give up and I think that this is the best way to be. Not caring about having someone means that I can be ok on my own. Being single. The only downside to being single is the fact that I get a bit lonely. Ok, right now, a lot lonely. I've felt lonely all day today when I've stopped. I think, that this is because of the fact it's a week tomorrow since I spoke to him. But it's time to nip this addiction in the bud. I don't feel control, I don't feel that I have my self control when I feel as pants at this.

I know that in time this feeling will go because I will forget about him. Right now I'm concentrating on me and my life and making my career possible. Daddio's sending of my application form to volunteer at the women's refugee and I've made contact with another place. Hopefully these will all better my CV to be a midwife. My dream job. & pay. Just everything about it makes me feel excited. There is no better job for me than to be a midwife. I really pray with every being that I will get accepted into the course this year. Then I will literally have the count down to my start date which will be September '2013. Which if I can convince myself enough, is not that far away. Nope, not at all. Only a month and half. But who's counting?

I just hope that doing this volunteering will mean that I get the experience of dealing with parents/children that others won't. Plus I can always do some more at the hospital if need be. I'm just trying to keep my head away from thinking about B. Because then, then maybe it won't be so bad. Not that it's as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago - no not at all. I feel like those weeks where months ago. I feel like that horrible cloud has lifted now. But my anxiety is worse for it. I'm trying really hard not to break the roles and even something as small as that makes me worry.

As much as I want a job I really want to volunteer to get that experience under my belt. Hopefully I can do some on a Saturday or an evening if I do. I just guess I have to see how everything goes. As per.

Feeling low today. I keep getting dreams about B - as in me and him together in certain circumstances. I also dreamt the other day about K as well as B & his best mate. It was so weird because that was the situation a year ago. Well actually, longer than that. Seeing as K & J split up around this time last year. Wow. I feel in someways my head is stuck in the past, even though I feel a lot more logically about the whole thing than before.

I was meant to be going on a road trip with B & his mate but I've not heard anything from him since the other day - saturday I think. Which is good, I don't want to hear from him. But still. I feel I don't know. I dreamt last night we were together & then this morning I woke up to Adele being stuck in my head: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". This is not the sort of thing I want to think about at all. I don't want to think about it him at all. I know he's up already today, because I went on the dating website & he was there. It stings a little bit, seeing him on there. It really does. I don't want to care about it all. In some ways I think I'm making steps forward to not caring. but I don't know if I can trust that, I don't seem to really know how I feel about anything until some sort of explosion. I just checked my phone to see if he's text me: no. Although arguably I could text him - but that's not the point is it. I'm trying to let him go & move on. So not talking is the way forward.

I kind of feel stronger lately. I feel more in control of my life, I may have a potential job interview in a doctors surgery which would be fantastic. For many reasons. Just got to see if I get an interview as I got an email with the details of the job. I still feel, like, numb a lot of the time. I still feel miserable, I don't get much enjoyment out of things, but I think I'm getting better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or felt unstable. I've had a couple of nights crying, but talking to C about it has made me feel stronger. Her faith in me that I will get over things and get better makes me feel stronger. I don't feel like, I shouldn't be here anymore. Or what's the point. I defiantly still do not look to the future, I just think about the day and how I'm going to get through that. If anything I think about as far as the following two days or so. Time is going so quickly, I can't keep up. I don't know what is up or what is down these days. I had to ask J 3 times what day we were on. I just have no concept of the days.

Rethink have given me this diary thing. I think that's helped, I feel a lot more in control and structured. Whereas before I just felt lost and that I was sinking. Now I've got a good idea of what my day to day plan is, but I still feel like : 'I can't be fucked to do this'. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or because I do not have the motivation to do it. I started reading my midwifery book the other day and only got maybe 1/3 of the way through the first chapter. My attention span is shot to hell. But I had a moment of really wanting to do it - so I did. but otherwise.. for example.. right now. There's nothing I really want to do. I just want something to distract my mind away from today. If I can just get through today I will feel better. Oddly, I accidentally opened up an app on my ipod for the christmas countdown & the christmas music started playing - it was 301 days until Christmas. & that makes me sad. It makes me sad right now actually. That I'm going to be alone & single for christmas - I say alone. But only in the single sense. I will have my mum & dad etc.

God I found christmas SO hard to deal with this time round. I honestly think thats when my real depression hit. Because it would physically hurt. The reason, I think I had stayed at B's for one night and spent the day there. Yeah, and I came home for dinner. It might have been christmas Eve, or the day before, winter wipeout was on. I had the radio on and it was playing christmas songs & the loneliness I felt when I drove home. I don't know why, I don't know why I felt it. I had no problem any time before hand.. Actually, I think. I think I realised how fake the whole thing with B was, because I could pretend that I was dealing. But christmas is the time your meant to spend with your loved ones & I wasn't spending it with him. I think I've been in denial about him for a long time. I keep, I keep getting flashbacks of Ireland with him. The trip literally days before we broke up. That'll have been a year next month. Oh god, what if I can't cope through March?! It's B's birthday & a whole year since we broke up & Ireland. What if it hurts so bad? I've got a twinge now for christ sake. Fuck fuck fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Forget it, I'm just going to have to forget it. I won't care about it all by then. I have a month. Ish.

Please, let me get this job & let me move on from this.

I find it really hard to be in my bedroom right now. It's like I've gone through a break up right now. Every time I go into my bedroom it's like I'm hit with loneliness and lays itself across my chest with a grip hold. My brain keeps popping up images of me and b together. Just no reason at all. I think I've accepted that a part of me still love him and the thought of us.

But, I just miss being held. It was a mistake having him stay at mine if this is how I feel now. I don't really know what to do about it or how to make it go away. Because every time I walk into my room I feel him holding me. I do think that a part of this is because I miss being held rather than him. this is not how I'm meant to be right now. Why do I always feel this way!? I don't even understand this heartache.

I don't need it or want it. Just want it to go.