Wishful thinking.

Hello lovers,

Hope all is week 9 days into the new year. I can safely say it feels like a LOT longer than that. I wonder how many people have already given up their new years resolutions ;). I feel like I'm working towards mine as it stands. Since the last time I blogged I'd lost a whole ONE POUND. But I still count this as a success; every little helps and all. I've been going to the gym :

Saturday: half a mile swim.
Sunday: quarter of a mile swim.
Monday: half a mile swim.
Tuesday: weights & 2 mile speedy walk.

I know, nothing exactly exciting but I haven't been able to get onto my favourite machine at the gym (sounds quite sad doesn't it!) which is the cross trainer. I literally feel like I work my arse off on that machine. So when I come off it 42 minutes later (knowing I've burnt around 500kcal!), I feel like I've successfully achieved my goal that day. This may be attempted tomorrow or Friday, depending on how I feel. As it stands I feel physically exhausted. I'm struggling today to actually move myself around I just want to sleep. But, I think I've lost some weight around my tummy so it's just a price I have to pay.

On a personal note I had a good conversation with two of my friends about the lack of self esteem and confidence I have in myself and the potential that this has to damage my relationship with my boyfriend. I literally lack anything and I think that it's time I sorted this situation out.

I have a few products that I got bought for christmas which I am waiting to get round to review. Lush & MAC. I could rave about Lush until the cows come home, I LOVE their stuff. I look forward to being able to purchase a few things when I get paid.

Nothing much really to say tbh. I've discovered that my boyfriend is more than likely going to move out with his best friend (*sob*). I am a little sad to think that it won't be me & the reason? Because I might be going into midwifery and thus, can't "afford" it. I'm really gutted if truth be told. I find it hard to believe that he will want to move out very soon after moving in with his best friend. It also means that any plans I had to move out are completely on hold. Although I love being at home and the idea of moving out terrifies me, knowing that I could see my boyfriend every day made it worth it. But now, that idea has gone to poo. I guess that means I have more money to spend on pretty things. Although, if I don't get into my midwifery, I will be absolutely gutted.

Fingers crossed I get in. Hurry up March/April!

I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

Not really sure what to say about things right not to be honest. I went for a job interview yesterday and I think it went well about.. 60%. I'm not sure if I have done enough for the job but I guess I will just have to wait and see. Just got back from a run with the dog. Only 20 minutes and it wasn't all running, I'd say about 50% running and 50% walking but I really feel exhausted just by that. I've got so unfit and it makes me miserable. Hopefully I can push myself to do this every day so that it becomes easier. In turn I'll feel fitter and hopefully, I'll lose some weight by it as well.

On the up date with B, nothing much to say really. I've had one text from him since I last saw him. But I haven't text him since that and I don't know if I'm going to. I feel like I'm moving away from that situation. Something that I'm half happy about and half unsure about. I want to go to him for sexy time.. because I haven't had that in a while.. But I know that this will fade after I haven't had sex in a while. My period was apparently meant to come through today and it hasn't. So here come all the thoughts about being pregnant. I think if I'm really honest, I'd LOVE to be pregnant. But I don't think it'd be for the right reasons. I know that getting pregnant and not being with the Dad will be a regret. I want to do things the right way, I don't want to be the same as many of the other girls in my area. Pregnant but single. That's not how I want it to be. Plus, I want to go back into studying and doing that with a baby with probably no true support system would be near impossible. I know that my parents wouldn't want to babysit and I don't want them to have to do it. I think the reasons why is because it would give me a purpose and direction. For some they need that, but I don't want it to be that way. I want to be pregnant because I'm married and thats the next step in the relationship. Sighh. That doesn't stop my head from springing pregnancy thoughts.

Still not talking to Jay. Me and her have had a really big falling out, because I feel that she's just had a constant go at me for doing.. well.. nothing. I'm not even sure we will sort things out. Just have to see, but for right now.. I don't think I want to be friends with someone who's not going to support me when I need it. That's not really a friend at all.

My Mother made a comment the other day about me turning into more of a control freak.. Now when I really think about it, then maybe she does have a point. But I think I'm going that because I can't control me or my own life. so I try and control other things so that I feel that I do have some actual control. That doesn't make it right or an excuse.. It's lead me to think that maybe I should be going on anti-depressions.  Maybe they will help me, I don't really feel any different to what I did last week or the week before. I don't really feel anything. But I don't know if that's because of the depression or if that's because I just don't have anything to have any emotion over. I'm meant to be going out Saturday for a friend-of-a-friend's birthday and I  think every body is going to get drunk. I want to. But I'm worried that if I do, I will just lose control. Alcohol is a natural depressant so why do that when I'm already like that. Or I'm going to text B something stupid and regret it.. Maybe. I guess it's another subject where I'm going to have to see what happens. Siiiiiiiiigh.