I feel like after the massive drop a couple of weeks ago that my life is starting to pick up now. Tomorrow I go to the doctors for check up and to see how everything is going. I feel a lot more positive in me and my skin. I guess with the decision that I made too. I kind of feel now that I was never was pregnant or the drama surrounding it happened. I sat down and had a frank discussion with my 'bf' or whatever he is and I feel a lot more... secure with it. Him admitting to me that he will never understand what I went through didn't make me feel so alone about it. I just feel a lot happier.

I almost want to start shouting about this blog on twitter,  but I can't because people from my personal life would read this and I just don't want them to. Maybe one day but not now. I've made plans to see people and I've been going to work and although today I feel poo because of the heat, I do feel better. I don't really trust it because I don't really understand what triggered of what happened before. So I feel a bit like I'm walking on egg shells at the moment. Been going back to the gym, haven't been so far this week because it has just been so incredibly hot that I just can not function. Not that great when you're meant to be working - shit. However, I think they understand.

Also this week I bought a shit loads of stuff online. A shit load of new underwear, tops & dresses. One dress doesnt fit me so well because it can't get round my boobs, but I'm tempted to hold onto it o see if I can fit into it when I lose some weight. See, see what I did there? Lose, as in I WILL lose the weight. I\m going to go tomorrow after work and before I meet up with my (ex) work collegues for dinner. Going to hit the weights & the cross trainer. Really just, want to do it this time. I want to lose 18pounds and be happy with my weight. I really do and I really hope that this time I can manage it.

Returning?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm fully over my depression completely or if it's just come back to wave it's ugly head at me. Having an abortion has been a difficult thing for me to accept. I do not regret what I did because I know that ultimately the mature decision was made. Having a child in my situation would not have been a fair thing, however I sometimes find that I'm having to convince myself of this. I'm a vegetarian and have been my whole life. Mainly because I feel that just because I'm a human doesn't mean I have the right to take another thing's life. I have sometimes wondered that perhaps my strong vegetarian beliefs have made this process a whole lot harder for me. Although I feel that my life is just starting for me with my new job/career tomorrow, I feel like in someways I'm kind of stuck. I keep feeling guilt that is cutting away at me. A part of me feels like I've gone against my vegetarian believes because the abortion has taken away a life. Something that I have been so against for so long. Although I do not regret my decision and I do not wish to go back and to change the outcome, I find the whole thing saddening and ever so slightly shameful. It was by an idiotic decision that led to an extreme outcome which will leave me emotional scared for the rest of my life.

Fact.

It is something that I guess I will just take time to get over. I feel like this cut was a really deep and subtle cut that I've done myself, really. A part of me feels that I was never able to have a choice in my decision and that's what I've found even harder to get my head around. Circumstance affected my decision. Money affected my decision. Because in reality just loving a child will not provide all that is needed. It makes me feel so.. empty that things that like affect my life so greatly that it prevented me from becoming a mother. In some ways I'm sure that even if I could have afforded it I'm not sure what I would have done. The idea of being a single mum and doing it without the love/help of the father may have been enough for me to make the decision I made. I think I have found it hard to find the morality in what I have done. I try really hard to make the decisions that I believe are morally right. Sometimes I may toe that line in some sneaky way but ultimately I act in a way where I try not to hurt others, putting myself before them. In some ways I feel like in this situation I have done the most self-ish of acts. Although I could always argue the other point of it too.

I kind of feel like I did before. I don't have that get - up - go like I did just when I was starting to get better after the depression. I don't really feel happy or excited. I feel unstable and tired and not really bothered. I got my gran's tattoo finished on my shoulder and decided to go through the things my grandad had left me. I literally sobbed my heart out at the letter he left me, even though I had read it before. It was the "one day you will have a daughter to pass this on to" and "take care my dear girl" and my heart just broke. I just miss him and the way life should be. I feel like I've lost out on the opportunity to be a mum and yes, I know it wasn't my only chance and the time I do do it, it will be the right time. But I don't know. I just felt so ashamed at myself and wondered what my grand parents must be thinking of me.

I feel like the whole thing has a left a bad taste in my mouth and it's rocked my self esteem/confidence so badly. I'm half terrified that Jamie is going to run off because he can't deal with the emotional commitment that I could ask of him. I don't want to be miserable, I want to be a fun and happy person that makes other people laugh. But I don't know.. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's going on my head or how I feel. I just feel like there's this great big weight over my heart and it's probably just all the emotional baggage that has come with the abortion. I feel guilty and selfish and miserable.

I just want to be happy. I just want to feel secure. I just want to like being in my skin and right now I don't. I just feel horrible. I feel a little better for getting it out of my system. But I just feel raw. It's been 2/3 weeks since my surgery and I just want to move on and start again. I want to make plans with people and do crazy shit so that at least it was all worth it. I'm hoping that from this months pay packet life will pick up again. Right now I'm constricted to what I can (not a lot) and can't do. I just want to be happy and I kind of want to be happy with Jamie too.

I'm finding it difficult to trust him emotionally. I'm scared that if I open up to him, he'll just think I'm being really clingy and over the top and too much and run away. In some ways if he does that then he wasn't the person I thought he was. But it just seems too soon to be doing this to him. He might just go 'this wasn't what I signed up for' and fuck off. We're not even official yet. We're.. like.. exclusive but not a couple. Whatever the differences in that is. I think it will take us time to get to that point.  I think I will be a lot happier when I am. I just..I want it to be sunny and to wear sunglasses and go to the beach and just feel nice. I want to be going to the gym and feeling fit and healthy. Why can't I get to this point?! Why can't things be a little easier for me than a constant struggle?!

I hope that things will start to pick up with my new job that starts tomorrow. I just.. I need it.

Sometimes I wonder if the depression is coming back or if it's simply because I'm back on contraception. The worst thing is about being back on contraception & I know it's taken effect is the fact that I am pretty much constantly hungry. Which sucks arse if you're trying to lose weight like me. It's then going to be typical that all I want to do is eat. Fabulous. So now I've got to try and ignore all of that. But back to topic..

I feel like.. people don't give a shit. Well, no. Not true as such. But.. I don't know. I feel that two of my closest friends are no longer closest friends anymore. I don't feel like they're interested in me or what I've got to say. They were interested in me lately in so far as they want to know about things with Jay - but then they know him too. So of course they're going to want to know that sort of information. But it just felt so awkward when we all met up the other day like.. It just did. Another example is JB. Went to the gym & as soon as she saw someone she knew she was off with them.. Its like the tiniest silliest detail & yet here I am worrying over it because it proves to me how much must think I am this that & the other. I think it's just insecurities bubbling. I'm getting nervous because my first day at my new job starts tomorrow and I'm worried about it. Normal behaviour yes.

To my last post about pregnancy.. That's not the case at all. It turned out I had a case of bowel craps. Unpleasant, painful & a tad embarrasing. But there we are. NOT pregnancy. THANK FUCK. But yeah. I'm not sure what's occurring with Jay. I really don't. We talk every day, he stayed over mine on Saturday & had dinner&breakfast with my parents. It almost feels like it's stepped up a gear and I'm not sure if that's what I want.. Well.. Idk. I got a look in on his past from when he was 16 & it was so.. dark. I can't even explain it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do. But I basically got told that he got mixed up into things.. Which is weird. It's not something I'm used to and it's not something I've ever been involved in. He also told me that he had some weed on Saturday. Not a big deal, no. But I don't really find it attractive & let's just say it affects other things that goes on. Jeez. I'm not really sure what he wants from this & I do get the impression that there is NOONE else going on either. So yeah, I'm now not worried about that. He's also a very private person, he keeps his cards very close to his chest so I know I should feel privileged that I know some of the information but it still.. I think it terrified me a little to be honest. Some of the people I know are very much going: THERE'S LOVE IN THE AIR. & I'm like WOAH. WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHH. I'm not sure I'm ready for that sort of thing right now. I do not want another heavy relationship at all. I just want to feel free about things. Already I don't. Not by him, but because he's friends with my friends. I don't want things to affect my relationship with anyone else. I know it's incredibly early days & I'm not even sure I should already be having these thoughts? But I am. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with the information and I hadn't prepared myself for things. The whole... meeting my family thing is quite a big step in some cases. If you talk to some people.

Right now I think I'm just uptight about my new job. Money. The future. If I'm going to re-apply to be a midwife. When I can re-apply. There's just so much I'm thinking about at the moment. I think in a week or two, once I've settled into my new job. I will feel better. But until then, I think I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous. Ok. A LOT.

I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

I am exhausted. I really feel emotionally and physically drained. I feel like today I have crashed landed out of whatever happiness I was in. I have officially been given the all clear from the depression, but now I've just got to deal with the anxiety. A job would seriously help with that.

A job would do wonders for me not just financially, but also in giving me a sense of fulfilment and purpose. I would have something to get up for and get something in return. I'm doing some volunteering back at the hospital in Admin in hope that it will better my chances. It's only one morning a week but it's a start and hopefully, if it goes well I can pick up another day. Anything so that I'm not stuck with the constant boredom of home life. It's not fun sitting on a Monday afternoon in the job centre waiting to just sign a bit of paper to say that I've looked for work, it's demeaning and belittling. At least for me anyway. I hate the idea that I have to ask for help, especially fiancially. I have never really asked for anything in life.. Not out right anyway. But now that I've had to, although it's a massive weight off my shoulders it just does not sit well with me. It's defiantly a struggle every day to make sure that I keep the balance of money and money going out. I need to make sure that I keep enough money in so that I'm good for October & enough to socialise with. I'm lucky in the sense that I only have to pay £45 a month in bills.. But I'm meant to pay at least £250 to my parents alone, plus my phone bill, petrol & if I could, gym membership. It's a nightmare. But that's the situation as it stands and I've sort of accepted it. In some ways in the last 2 weeks I've enjoyed my free time. Going out to the beach when I can because I love the beach, it is by far my most favourite place in the whole world. The sun has been shining, it's just lovely.

The biggest impact in my life the last couple of weeks would be the introduction of a new potential guy in my life. Jay (not his actual name.) He is the loveliest guy I have ever come across, he's sweet, caring, funny, flirty and I think, pretty gorgeous too. He's a friend of a friend.. The situation that I wanted to be. We've been texting every day for the last.. 10 days. Not a long time, but enough for some one to make an inpact. We meet on a night out and we've planned to meet up again on Friday. I really do not try and think about it, because I'm pretty terrified about it all. It's the insecurity of the whole thing, because although we get on really well.. It's still got to count of a physical level too. Something I am not comfortable at all - but that is the situation. I can count 3 negatives about the whole thing:
1 - He lives in the town my ex does. A place where every one knows every one. & in fact Jay does know B. Frickin A.
2 - He smokes. I hate smoking, so I don't know if I can deal kissing an ash tray. But I'm not going to let that put me off because it's a tiny thing amongst many good points.
3 - he doesn't drive. HELLA situation. Because that means because I drive I'm going to have to make most of the trips, been there. Done that. Not an easy situation, because I get the pressure. But if he's as lovely as he seems I think he would be worth it.

I'm just going to see by Friday what the situation is, I've already told him about B in so far as he knows him. When we dated and so on. But not what happened, how it happened, the shit, the "friends with benefits". Just god no. I'm also concerned with telling him that for the last 3 months I've had depression, but you know, it's cool cause I don't have it anymore. Fun convo to have. But that's that. I don't have to cross that bridge for a long time now - might not even have to do it. But he's lovely and he makes me giggle. I got butterflies when he text me yesterday - then I know he's thinking about me.

I think I just feel really deflated because my cycle is been going crap. Coming off the mini-pill might not have been the brightest idea but I felt that I needed to.. As soon as that sorts itself out hopefully I'll go back to feeling more myself & happy :)

Another new week. Hopefully going to be a good week. I'm pretty busy most of the week: going out for dinner twice. Once with my family and another with C, L & A. So it's going to be fun.

With regards to the depression I defiantly feel that that dark cloud has lifted. Completely this time. I think now it's just a case of hoping that a job comes my way. I don't feel I have anything massively to stress about now. I'm on JSA now, I don't feel so miserable.

A really important thing is that I'm not having to deal with the whole thing about B. It makes me feel sad and it make same want to cry a bit still, but I don't have that ache anymore, I don't have that loneliness anymore. I feel that i've moved on with it all. Ready to move on with it all, find someone else or not. Because that's ok too. I feel that it's going to get better and I'm ok being on my own. I want to be ok on my own now.  The only thing I need to do now is get over my craving for fast & fatty food and I'm sorted.

Feeling low today. I keep getting dreams about B - as in me and him together in certain circumstances. I also dreamt the other day about K as well as B & his best mate. It was so weird because that was the situation a year ago. Well actually, longer than that. Seeing as K & J split up around this time last year. Wow. I feel in someways my head is stuck in the past, even though I feel a lot more logically about the whole thing than before.

I was meant to be going on a road trip with B & his mate but I've not heard anything from him since the other day - saturday I think. Which is good, I don't want to hear from him. But still. I feel I don't know. I dreamt last night we were together & then this morning I woke up to Adele being stuck in my head: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". This is not the sort of thing I want to think about at all. I don't want to think about it him at all. I know he's up already today, because I went on the dating website & he was there. It stings a little bit, seeing him on there. It really does. I don't want to care about it all. In some ways I think I'm making steps forward to not caring. but I don't know if I can trust that, I don't seem to really know how I feel about anything until some sort of explosion. I just checked my phone to see if he's text me: no. Although arguably I could text him - but that's not the point is it. I'm trying to let him go & move on. So not talking is the way forward.

I kind of feel stronger lately. I feel more in control of my life, I may have a potential job interview in a doctors surgery which would be fantastic. For many reasons. Just got to see if I get an interview as I got an email with the details of the job. I still feel, like, numb a lot of the time. I still feel miserable, I don't get much enjoyment out of things, but I think I'm getting better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or felt unstable. I've had a couple of nights crying, but talking to C about it has made me feel stronger. Her faith in me that I will get over things and get better makes me feel stronger. I don't feel like, I shouldn't be here anymore. Or what's the point. I defiantly still do not look to the future, I just think about the day and how I'm going to get through that. If anything I think about as far as the following two days or so. Time is going so quickly, I can't keep up. I don't know what is up or what is down these days. I had to ask J 3 times what day we were on. I just have no concept of the days.

Rethink have given me this diary thing. I think that's helped, I feel a lot more in control and structured. Whereas before I just felt lost and that I was sinking. Now I've got a good idea of what my day to day plan is, but I still feel like : 'I can't be fucked to do this'. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or because I do not have the motivation to do it. I started reading my midwifery book the other day and only got maybe 1/3 of the way through the first chapter. My attention span is shot to hell. But I had a moment of really wanting to do it - so I did. but otherwise.. for example.. right now. There's nothing I really want to do. I just want something to distract my mind away from today. If I can just get through today I will feel better. Oddly, I accidentally opened up an app on my ipod for the christmas countdown & the christmas music started playing - it was 301 days until Christmas. & that makes me sad. It makes me sad right now actually. That I'm going to be alone & single for christmas - I say alone. But only in the single sense. I will have my mum & dad etc.

God I found christmas SO hard to deal with this time round. I honestly think thats when my real depression hit. Because it would physically hurt. The reason, I think I had stayed at B's for one night and spent the day there. Yeah, and I came home for dinner. It might have been christmas Eve, or the day before, winter wipeout was on. I had the radio on and it was playing christmas songs & the loneliness I felt when I drove home. I don't know why, I don't know why I felt it. I had no problem any time before hand.. Actually, I think. I think I realised how fake the whole thing with B was, because I could pretend that I was dealing. But christmas is the time your meant to spend with your loved ones & I wasn't spending it with him. I think I've been in denial about him for a long time. I keep, I keep getting flashbacks of Ireland with him. The trip literally days before we broke up. That'll have been a year next month. Oh god, what if I can't cope through March?! It's B's birthday & a whole year since we broke up & Ireland. What if it hurts so bad? I've got a twinge now for christ sake. Fuck fuck fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Forget it, I'm just going to have to forget it. I won't care about it all by then. I have a month. Ish.

Please, let me get this job & let me move on from this.

I had the loveliest conversation last night with my Joey. If I were to have a best friend ever, she would be it. We just bounce of each other all the time. She's there throughout. She's just amazing. It was so weird ti hear her voice as I haven't heard from her  in a long time. But it was really nice. :) I'm hoping to see her in October to go to the twilight convention. We shall see cus I'm not sure how money/job is going to be then I'm really hoping that I can just say I want it as holiday or something. Idk. I still haven't heard back from the job interview I had nearly a week ago.. I'm going to go that that was a no. Shame, but never mind. I've just got to start again.

I had a warning on my blog because I was a bit concerned about how I was feeling, but think I might take that off as I don't feel so dark/gloomy/suicidal that I was. I've never ever felt so low in my life and I'm not completely out of the woods yet. I still struggled to get out of bed this morning, I still don't have the motivation to do anything. But I'm not thinking of off-ing myself at the moment like I was. I have yet to trust that this isn't going to come back. I just can't predict how I'm going to be. But for right now I feel ok.

In other news I'm cooking dinner for my family. So far I have made 2 very successful meals. Tonight I'm cooking enchiladas, which is probably going to be the most complicated of the lot. But that was really the point. I wanted something somewhat difficult so I can practice my cooking. Get used to using ingredients and hopefully, then I might take over the cooking from my mum permantently. I really really enjoy cooking. It gives me something to do and I help round the house by doing it. I think I'm actually an ok cook. It's just remembering to get this done in time. I'm hoping it'll make me more time aware and organised etc. Only a positive outcome really.

Probably going to have start job searching again at some point. But I just don't really want to. No motivation to do it at all. Right now I can't even be bothered to take the dog out.. I just feel so tired. I don't know if that's cause I fell back to sleep or because of the depression. I do feel more with-it that's for sure.

I just take a day at a time now. No real forward thinking otherwise I think I start to worry about 'what-ifs' and 'no money' / 'no job'. Which leads to more depressing thoughts such as ' i won't be able to see my friends / go out'. Or 'won't be able to give my family any money'. It's just hideously depressing. So I'm going to cut that thought of there.. anddddd.. go find something to do. Like play the sims3 until lunch. My life is so exciting.

Not really sure what to say about things right not to be honest. I went for a job interview yesterday and I think it went well about.. 60%. I'm not sure if I have done enough for the job but I guess I will just have to wait and see. Just got back from a run with the dog. Only 20 minutes and it wasn't all running, I'd say about 50% running and 50% walking but I really feel exhausted just by that. I've got so unfit and it makes me miserable. Hopefully I can push myself to do this every day so that it becomes easier. In turn I'll feel fitter and hopefully, I'll lose some weight by it as well.

On the up date with B, nothing much to say really. I've had one text from him since I last saw him. But I haven't text him since that and I don't know if I'm going to. I feel like I'm moving away from that situation. Something that I'm half happy about and half unsure about. I want to go to him for sexy time.. because I haven't had that in a while.. But I know that this will fade after I haven't had sex in a while. My period was apparently meant to come through today and it hasn't. So here come all the thoughts about being pregnant. I think if I'm really honest, I'd LOVE to be pregnant. But I don't think it'd be for the right reasons. I know that getting pregnant and not being with the Dad will be a regret. I want to do things the right way, I don't want to be the same as many of the other girls in my area. Pregnant but single. That's not how I want it to be. Plus, I want to go back into studying and doing that with a baby with probably no true support system would be near impossible. I know that my parents wouldn't want to babysit and I don't want them to have to do it. I think the reasons why is because it would give me a purpose and direction. For some they need that, but I don't want it to be that way. I want to be pregnant because I'm married and thats the next step in the relationship. Sighh. That doesn't stop my head from springing pregnancy thoughts.

Still not talking to Jay. Me and her have had a really big falling out, because I feel that she's just had a constant go at me for doing.. well.. nothing. I'm not even sure we will sort things out. Just have to see, but for right now.. I don't think I want to be friends with someone who's not going to support me when I need it. That's not really a friend at all.

My Mother made a comment the other day about me turning into more of a control freak.. Now when I really think about it, then maybe she does have a point. But I think I'm going that because I can't control me or my own life. so I try and control other things so that I feel that I do have some actual control. That doesn't make it right or an excuse.. It's lead me to think that maybe I should be going on anti-depressions.  Maybe they will help me, I don't really feel any different to what I did last week or the week before. I don't really feel anything. But I don't know if that's because of the depression or if that's because I just don't have anything to have any emotion over. I'm meant to be going out Saturday for a friend-of-a-friend's birthday and I  think every body is going to get drunk. I want to. But I'm worried that if I do, I will just lose control. Alcohol is a natural depressant so why do that when I'm already like that. Or I'm going to text B something stupid and regret it.. Maybe. I guess it's another subject where I'm going to have to see what happens. Siiiiiiiiigh.

The Start. Diagnose.

22:18pm.
Today has been a day that I might remember for a little while. Not a day for the date, but because today I'm pretty much sure I got diagnosed with depression. Not something massive or life changing... It's not a shock to me to be pretty honest. I think I've been dancing the depression line for a long time now. Or maybe I crossed it a while back but only now realising the fall except of my trip down the dancing road.

Whatever.

My point is that today I got some explanation for how I've been feeling. So Today a new blog. But it'll be completely closed on who I am. I want to be able to confess everything. Everything. Even those things that I'm ashamed to say. Why? Because I need to get it out of my system somewhere. But I want someone to be able to read it.. Because, then some-one can or can't let me know if I'm normal & if they, maybe, feel the same way that I do.

Whilst at the Doctors they ask you all these questions about how you're feeling. I said that a while ago I said to my mum : "If I got hit by a bus and died.. I wouldn't feel bothered. I wouldn't feel robbed". I feel nothing at a statement so.. inflamatory. Not that I want to kill myself, I just can't be bothered with life & it's.. crap. I'm finding it hard to keep myself going because I've got nothing going for me. I wake up, I do stuff.. I don't even know what I do to be honest.. and then I go to bed.... It's an endless cycle of sheer boredom and things that I loved to do, no longer hold much enjoyment because I've over done them.

I'm not quite sure how long I will keep this blog open for or how long I will manage to keep it up. But I think it's time I got some of this stuff off my chest & maybe help me to let it all go.

These are my confessions.
These are my memories.
These are my hopes & dreams.
& my disappointments & heartache.