Insecurities.

I've always been a girl to have a low-self esteem & low body confidence; leading to me having a high number of insecurities. Of course a lot of these is because I know i'm not the skinniest girl about, although I'm not the biggest, I am the biggest out of my circle of friends. In 2008 I managed to lose over a stone in weight and completely change my body shape: I really felt the most happiest because I was finally dealing with my body hang ups. Nearly 4 years down the line, I've managed to somehow keep that body shape and only put on half a stone since. Not the best, but not the worst either. Of course when it comes to boys my body issues have always been a problem; getting attention, keeping attention and having the attention. I've always put a lot of my problems down to my weight, whether that be the case or not.

Over the last 4/5 weeks I've been taking Jay. I've actually met up with him twice; the last time being on Monday when we went to the beach. I swear I think he might have kissed me, but I quickly went in for a hug.. So maybe, I don't know. But the hug did defiantly seem a lot longer than the previous two we've had. A hug.. That's as far as any sort of physical sense has happened. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how this boy sees me at all. My insecurities before got to me so much that in the end I text him asking him if he wanted to see me again or not. In short his answer was yes, but he wasn't looking for any relationship because he had been burnt before. He then went on to tell me that his head is so busy thinking about his job / career and moving out etc that he doesn't really have the time for a girlfriend. He then went on to arrange to meet up with me on the following Sunday. Sunday came, no defiant arrangements made. I text, it was moved to Monday where we went to the beach. Ended up talking about sex in the car, which was in someways excitingly embarrassing if that even makes sense.

I don't know what's really going on. I'm sure that the number of messages I'm getting from him are fewer and farther between and it makes me feel that he's not really into me. I don't know if that's because of who he is.. Well actually I do know this. He even admitted to me that he sucks at texting, so I shouldn't take it to heart. I spent my day today with a friend, within the space of a week she's put her slutty (not nicer way to say it..) on the shelf for a boy who she sees as 'perfect' for her. Within a week, they've had sex and seen each other every day and text all the time. Compared to my thing with Jay, there's really nothing to it. I don't even know if the guy fancies me.. People say that we've been on two dates but how do you know if they are dates? I don't know if me and him are on the same page at all. By saying he wants to see me again doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing me as more than friend.. Well.. Actually know that I think about it, he was the one that mentioned romance.. so.. well, yes, I guess that does indicate that he has been seeing me as more than a friend I guess. So well yeah. So the guy doesn't text me that much because he's at work and is busy.. doesn't mean he's not interested. Plus he's admitted that he doesn't text that often because he doesn't like using a touch screen.. So. Yeah.

I think my problem is; I compare. I compare too much. Watching my friend be the way she is with her potential boyfriend - which is a shock in itself ... Sort off.. makes it seem that what I have is nothing. Talking to my friend L though she's just said that you can't compare friendships or relationships and she's right. I know she's right. But sometimes it hard. Especially when you have so many hang ups over your body/mind/attractiveness. Thankfully I have a job which starts in early May. Hopefully this will give me something else to concentrate on. Rather then wondering what he's thinking. Because I won't know. Unless I ask. Maybe.

Better?

I am defiantly starting to feel more myself today. I don't feel any unhappiness, just feel a lot more content. Maybe it's because things are starting to sort themselves out? I don't know. Hopefully though this is a good sign. I was feeling really angry when I first woke up & had a bit of a shouting/argument with my parents about something completely irrelevant. But after having a shower and knowing that I'm seeing L tonight makes things a little bit more easier.

I think also it helps that I haven't really thought about B that much. Instead I'm thinking more about.. S. haha. This massively makes me think of J.R Ward's lessers right now. But that's neither here nor there. I've started to enjoy reading again, but I'm just wary because I'm not sure how long this will last for. If I start thinking about B to much I start feeling a sadness which I know I shouldn't. I'm hoping that forgetting about it him is going to be the way forward. I do still want him in my life as my friend, but I want to be able to do that without feeling shit/jealous if he finds a new girlfriend. Which no doubt he will. It's weird I can go days without talking to him but I'm sure if I see him on MSN I'll feel a pang of whatever it is I feel. I think I'm over the worst that I'm going to feel with regards to him.

I've also lost 1 pound. Not a massive deal since I last weighed myself, but I'd had breakfast and I've lost something. Especially with the amount of rubbish food I have been eating. Hopefully I can nip that in the bud and keep on doing my fast pace walking & shift some weight. I REALLY want to lost a stone by May... Simply because that was when I was meant to go with B to a wedding. Not sure if that will be happening, but I want to look beautiful & wonderful for that party. So, losing weight is going to be something that makes me feel happier and healthier than I really want to do it. For me. & Only for me. Because B never said once about me being too fat or too thin, or having bumps in all the wrong places. But either way I now weight 12 stone 8. so I want to be at least 11 stone by May. Even if it's 11 stone 13/14 I don't care. Just want it to go!

But regardless, I want to lose the weight, go on a few dates. Feel good again. Yes, that's what I want to do.