Sometimes I wonder if the depression is coming back or if it's simply because I'm back on contraception. The worst thing is about being back on contraception & I know it's taken effect is the fact that I am pretty much constantly hungry. Which sucks arse if you're trying to lose weight like me. It's then going to be typical that all I want to do is eat. Fabulous. So now I've got to try and ignore all of that. But back to topic..

I feel like.. people don't give a shit. Well, no. Not true as such. But.. I don't know. I feel that two of my closest friends are no longer closest friends anymore. I don't feel like they're interested in me or what I've got to say. They were interested in me lately in so far as they want to know about things with Jay - but then they know him too. So of course they're going to want to know that sort of information. But it just felt so awkward when we all met up the other day like.. It just did. Another example is JB. Went to the gym & as soon as she saw someone she knew she was off with them.. Its like the tiniest silliest detail & yet here I am worrying over it because it proves to me how much must think I am this that & the other. I think it's just insecurities bubbling. I'm getting nervous because my first day at my new job starts tomorrow and I'm worried about it. Normal behaviour yes.

To my last post about pregnancy.. That's not the case at all. It turned out I had a case of bowel craps. Unpleasant, painful & a tad embarrasing. But there we are. NOT pregnancy. THANK FUCK. But yeah. I'm not sure what's occurring with Jay. I really don't. We talk every day, he stayed over mine on Saturday & had dinner&breakfast with my parents. It almost feels like it's stepped up a gear and I'm not sure if that's what I want.. Well.. Idk. I got a look in on his past from when he was 16 & it was so.. dark. I can't even explain it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do. But I basically got told that he got mixed up into things.. Which is weird. It's not something I'm used to and it's not something I've ever been involved in. He also told me that he had some weed on Saturday. Not a big deal, no. But I don't really find it attractive & let's just say it affects other things that goes on. Jeez. I'm not really sure what he wants from this & I do get the impression that there is NOONE else going on either. So yeah, I'm now not worried about that. He's also a very private person, he keeps his cards very close to his chest so I know I should feel privileged that I know some of the information but it still.. I think it terrified me a little to be honest. Some of the people I know are very much going: THERE'S LOVE IN THE AIR. & I'm like WOAH. WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHH. I'm not sure I'm ready for that sort of thing right now. I do not want another heavy relationship at all. I just want to feel free about things. Already I don't. Not by him, but because he's friends with my friends. I don't want things to affect my relationship with anyone else. I know it's incredibly early days & I'm not even sure I should already be having these thoughts? But I am. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with the information and I hadn't prepared myself for things. The whole... meeting my family thing is quite a big step in some cases. If you talk to some people.

Right now I think I'm just uptight about my new job. Money. The future. If I'm going to re-apply to be a midwife. When I can re-apply. There's just so much I'm thinking about at the moment. I think in a week or two, once I've settled into my new job. I will feel better. But until then, I think I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous. Ok. A LOT.

Insecurities.

I've always been a girl to have a low-self esteem & low body confidence; leading to me having a high number of insecurities. Of course a lot of these is because I know i'm not the skinniest girl about, although I'm not the biggest, I am the biggest out of my circle of friends. In 2008 I managed to lose over a stone in weight and completely change my body shape: I really felt the most happiest because I was finally dealing with my body hang ups. Nearly 4 years down the line, I've managed to somehow keep that body shape and only put on half a stone since. Not the best, but not the worst either. Of course when it comes to boys my body issues have always been a problem; getting attention, keeping attention and having the attention. I've always put a lot of my problems down to my weight, whether that be the case or not.

Over the last 4/5 weeks I've been taking Jay. I've actually met up with him twice; the last time being on Monday when we went to the beach. I swear I think he might have kissed me, but I quickly went in for a hug.. So maybe, I don't know. But the hug did defiantly seem a lot longer than the previous two we've had. A hug.. That's as far as any sort of physical sense has happened. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how this boy sees me at all. My insecurities before got to me so much that in the end I text him asking him if he wanted to see me again or not. In short his answer was yes, but he wasn't looking for any relationship because he had been burnt before. He then went on to tell me that his head is so busy thinking about his job / career and moving out etc that he doesn't really have the time for a girlfriend. He then went on to arrange to meet up with me on the following Sunday. Sunday came, no defiant arrangements made. I text, it was moved to Monday where we went to the beach. Ended up talking about sex in the car, which was in someways excitingly embarrassing if that even makes sense.

I don't know what's really going on. I'm sure that the number of messages I'm getting from him are fewer and farther between and it makes me feel that he's not really into me. I don't know if that's because of who he is.. Well actually I do know this. He even admitted to me that he sucks at texting, so I shouldn't take it to heart. I spent my day today with a friend, within the space of a week she's put her slutty (not nicer way to say it..) on the shelf for a boy who she sees as 'perfect' for her. Within a week, they've had sex and seen each other every day and text all the time. Compared to my thing with Jay, there's really nothing to it. I don't even know if the guy fancies me.. People say that we've been on two dates but how do you know if they are dates? I don't know if me and him are on the same page at all. By saying he wants to see me again doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing me as more than friend.. Well.. Actually know that I think about it, he was the one that mentioned romance.. so.. well, yes, I guess that does indicate that he has been seeing me as more than a friend I guess. So well yeah. So the guy doesn't text me that much because he's at work and is busy.. doesn't mean he's not interested. Plus he's admitted that he doesn't text that often because he doesn't like using a touch screen.. So. Yeah.

I think my problem is; I compare. I compare too much. Watching my friend be the way she is with her potential boyfriend - which is a shock in itself ... Sort off.. makes it seem that what I have is nothing. Talking to my friend L though she's just said that you can't compare friendships or relationships and she's right. I know she's right. But sometimes it hard. Especially when you have so many hang ups over your body/mind/attractiveness. Thankfully I have a job which starts in early May. Hopefully this will give me something else to concentrate on. Rather then wondering what he's thinking. Because I won't know. Unless I ask. Maybe.