Clearing out my old clothes, pjs and underwear. Anything with a reference to a previous life pretty much needs to go. I need a new start and I kind of feeling I'm shredding my old skin, metaphorically speaking.

I literally could snap right now though. I'm due on my period and my emotional state is fragile to say the least. I literally can not stand ANYTHING. I half want to be left alone and half want to be chased after. I'm stupid and clumsy and I just can't do anything right. At work I just feel like such a loser and my anger is so easy to spring upon it's insane. I'm arguing with my friends, I just.. I can't even explain it. Maybe that's my problem, maybe that's the issue here. I'm trying to make sense of something that's completely irrational. I just feel like such a horrible person. I've turned into this spiteful jealous person. I see people and think "you don't deserve that". Or someone tells me something and I think: "you're just telling me that to spite me - SO KINDLY FUCK OFF". I'm just so irritated at everything.

I think I feel a bit stressed and overwhelmed with everything, but really the only thing that's getting on top of me is myself. I'm stressing myself out by putting too much pressure upon myself. It's not healthy or good. I feel like a failure at this moment in time because I didn't go to the gym today, but my leg is hurting from the chiro. I don't want to go to the gym. I just want to sleep. Forever. Never wake up. I'm probably going to get into my pjs after I finish writing this with my book and hope that I go to sleep just before 10pm. I need sleep and I need to feel calmer. With a clearer head. Seriously. It needs to be for my job.. I just don't understand myself that much.  I don't know why I do it.. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and even if I do it makes me vulnerable because some one then has the chance to knock me down.

Shit with friends going down... I just can't be arsed to deal with it. At all. I just. I don't even know. It's shit because I don't really know what to say and yet I feel like I've got so much to say and do that I don't know where to begin and yet, I sit down and think right, what have I got to do and I don't have anything. Apart from the gym and starting my midwifery application - maybe. I just think I need to relaxxx and calm and just switch off from everything. I just need a cuddle from my boy and some laughter.

I really do.

Sometimes I wonder if the depression is coming back or if it's simply because I'm back on contraception. The worst thing is about being back on contraception & I know it's taken effect is the fact that I am pretty much constantly hungry. Which sucks arse if you're trying to lose weight like me. It's then going to be typical that all I want to do is eat. Fabulous. So now I've got to try and ignore all of that. But back to topic..

I feel like.. people don't give a shit. Well, no. Not true as such. But.. I don't know. I feel that two of my closest friends are no longer closest friends anymore. I don't feel like they're interested in me or what I've got to say. They were interested in me lately in so far as they want to know about things with Jay - but then they know him too. So of course they're going to want to know that sort of information. But it just felt so awkward when we all met up the other day like.. It just did. Another example is JB. Went to the gym & as soon as she saw someone she knew she was off with them.. Its like the tiniest silliest detail & yet here I am worrying over it because it proves to me how much must think I am this that & the other. I think it's just insecurities bubbling. I'm getting nervous because my first day at my new job starts tomorrow and I'm worried about it. Normal behaviour yes.

To my last post about pregnancy.. That's not the case at all. It turned out I had a case of bowel craps. Unpleasant, painful & a tad embarrasing. But there we are. NOT pregnancy. THANK FUCK. But yeah. I'm not sure what's occurring with Jay. I really don't. We talk every day, he stayed over mine on Saturday & had dinner&breakfast with my parents. It almost feels like it's stepped up a gear and I'm not sure if that's what I want.. Well.. Idk. I got a look in on his past from when he was 16 & it was so.. dark. I can't even explain it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do. But I basically got told that he got mixed up into things.. Which is weird. It's not something I'm used to and it's not something I've ever been involved in. He also told me that he had some weed on Saturday. Not a big deal, no. But I don't really find it attractive & let's just say it affects other things that goes on. Jeez. I'm not really sure what he wants from this & I do get the impression that there is NOONE else going on either. So yeah, I'm now not worried about that. He's also a very private person, he keeps his cards very close to his chest so I know I should feel privileged that I know some of the information but it still.. I think it terrified me a little to be honest. Some of the people I know are very much going: THERE'S LOVE IN THE AIR. & I'm like WOAH. WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHH. I'm not sure I'm ready for that sort of thing right now. I do not want another heavy relationship at all. I just want to feel free about things. Already I don't. Not by him, but because he's friends with my friends. I don't want things to affect my relationship with anyone else. I know it's incredibly early days & I'm not even sure I should already be having these thoughts? But I am. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with the information and I hadn't prepared myself for things. The whole... meeting my family thing is quite a big step in some cases. If you talk to some people.

Right now I think I'm just uptight about my new job. Money. The future. If I'm going to re-apply to be a midwife. When I can re-apply. There's just so much I'm thinking about at the moment. I think in a week or two, once I've settled into my new job. I will feel better. But until then, I think I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous. Ok. A LOT.