Conflicting thoughts of the heart and mind.

I have never ever been in a position where I was as confused emotionally as I am now. Maybe I thought that the situation with B was confusing and in some ways it was. In other it was now. I chose to ignore the very details that would have ultimately have made my decision to stop talking to him earlier than it had been. But right now, I'm conflicted. Sort of.

I'm pregnant. Only 4 weeks gone on Saturday. Making me 4 weeks and half tomorrow. If you want to be specific about it. Pregnancy is defiantly a time where emotions should be joyful as it makes up for the simple fact that the first trimester of pregnancy is utterly pants. I'm spin from being insanely hungry or feeling sick. When I eat I feel uncomfortable pressure on my tummy and it makes me feel that I'm going to throw up. So far, I've only thrown up once. Last night. Not shocking as after a couple of mouthfuls of food I couldn't eat it anymore. A desert I've had no problem eating before. It's an odd feeling. It has been the only time so far that I have actually felt pregnant. A part of me believes that the sheer discomfort in my tummy is just a side affect of the emotional turmoil I am currently involved in. My emotions peek and drop all the time. A constant roller-coaster ride that I have no control over nor can step off. I feel robed of the fact that my first time of pregnancy should be a joy-ful occasion and yet it is not. In fact is has been anything BUT joyful. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life as I have done over the last week and a half. It has ultimately left me feeling rather.. emotionless for the time-being. My body and my heart would love for me to go through with this pregnancy and become a mum for the first time. I'm 22, I'm old enough, I can do this. I'd be a brilliant mum and I would love my child without question. I would do anything for it. But really I'm having to ignore all theses basic female emotions because in my head I know it wouldn't be the best thing to do.

I live at home with my parents. I've just started full time work with a contract of only 6 months. The guy I slept with (Jay) I've been talking/seeing for only two months and we're not even together - a can off worms I can not open right now. Something I need to write about as soon as I've finished reviewing how I feel.  People keep telling me that yes, it's your decision. No one can ultimately make it for you. But I find that that line is quite frankly, a fucking load of horse shit. I know that if I were to go through with it I'd probably break my Dad's heart even if he were to come round to the idea in the end.. and disappoint my mum. Those are two things I just couldn't bare to do. I love my parents more than anything and to have them have those feelings is not something I would volunteer for. However, on the flip side I know that they would always come round to the idea and would fall in love with becoming grandparents. My friends, well I pretty much have 4/5 friends telling my completely different things. In hindsight it would have probably been best not to have told any of them but I'm not programmed to be like that. To not talk about it. It just does not happen. Two of them would LOVE me to keep this baby. Telling me how they would help look after baby if I went through with it. That I could continue being a midwife and they would give me all the help in the world. Another things I shouldn't go through with it at all, that she herself, could never do it. But the fourth has been a perfect friend; non-judgemental, no pressure & keeping as objective whilst supportive as she can be. I really do have to forget that whilst yes, I am pregnant, Baby is not viable until 20+ weeks. A progress I will never get to in this pregnancy.  However one of them, I feel is almost guilting me into keeping it.

I know she doesn't mean to and I honestly do not think she realises what she's actually doing when she said the things she does. I've told her I won't drink with her, because I don't want to disrespect my baby or my body. However she finds this is odd seeing as I don't want to go through with and will get rid of it. Even though by "next week it will have a brain and a heart"... Facts that I truly want to know. NOT. I do not need to know where the process of developing my baby is. In fact I try not to see it as "my baby". Doing so means I'm recognising it for what it is and in doing so, will make it 10xs harder to go through with the abortion. I hope that no-one is getting the impression that this is something I want  to do. Because I don't. I would love to keep it, but I can't. I can't look after it alone and I can't support me or baby either. I want to be a midwife and I want to be able to provide for my child. Some would argue that I'm putting myself before this child. Putting my career before my child. But I'm not. I believe that to be a good parent you need to be happy too. In being happy yourself you can pass this onto your child. I want my child to be happy. This isn't just my choice. Because this choice has a rippling affect to me, my parents, my friends, my life, the dad's life & his family. That would be a consequence of my choice. So does that really mean that it is my choice? I don't think it does at all. I think in situations like this you have to be mature enough to recognise that choice's have consequences and you have to consider how people react to those consequences.

Jay. Well. Jay doesn't want this baby. He will be relieved (as will I to be fair) when this is all over. It has never been discussed what would happen if I changed my mind. I've never even admitted to him that I have doubts about the abortion. That a part of me wants to go through with it and have a baby at the end. So I don't even know what he would say. To be honest, he pretty much ignores the situation unless he wants to talk about the abortion. Not that that has been talked about much either. In some ways I feel like I've been alone in this situation with everyone else talking AT me. Minus one. I just feel nothing right now to be honest. With makes me a numbed out person really. Every now and then anger with break through. I get angry a lot at Jay because he's got it easy. He hasn't had to deal with the emotions, the minor body changes, the upset to my digestion, feeling & being sick, the uncontrollable mood swings & on top of that not being able to talk about it openly with it. Two of my close friends don't know. & one of the people I have told I wasn't meant to. I feel like it's all getting on top of me and I just don't know what I feel anymore. I've never felt so raw in my life. I do worry that the guilt I feel afterwards might trigger my depression. But I try and dismiss this thought as quickly as it comes.

In truth the situation is insanely hard and it angers me that people thinking that having an abortion is the easy way out. Because it's not an easy decision and in some ways having a child is the easier option for some. I hoped that by writing this I would know how I feel a bit more. But I really don't. Maybe because I've tried to disconnect myself so much now that I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be reminded and I don't want to feel. If I feel connected to this thing inside of me then that makes it all even harder. It's a situation I wouldn't put on anyone. A situation I thought would be a lot easier. I got pregnant because I took a chance. A chance on the fact that I had sex with some-one twice in one night and thought the chances wold be against pregnancy. Something that I was clearly wrong about.

I have learnt that decisions isn't about what's all rosey & lovey-dovey. Sometimes you really do have to look at the hard facts in life and as much I wish my life was not dictated by other people and money/finances the simple truth is: it is. It's this that ultimately has made my decision. I don't have a choice really, not right now. But it does mean that when I become pregnant again, that will be my choice.

I'm pregnant. 

I'm actually pregnant. I took my pregnancy test Saturday morning around 6:30am and it's now sunday 8pm. Jay knows and he's been amazing. I'm booking in with the doctor asap and then going to booked in at the clinic. I don't know if it's the sort of situation where it's the same day or not. I don't even know. But I'm having an abortion. Jesus I've not even said that. It took me over 12 hours to even say that I was pregnant let alone going to have a termination. My hormones are all up the creek to be honest so I can't really honestly say how I feel cause I don't really know. 

But I think, I think I love being pregnant. I know I've only known less than two days but. yeah I think I really do. I saw Jay today and we both agreed that we wouldn't be able to provide the best situation for it all. So yeah here I am. Agreeing for a termination. At the time it's the right thing and I know I will go through with it. It's probably going to kill me a bit inside but yeah. I'm going to do it. And. I don't know. I'm just emotional and shit. I'm bawling my eyes out and I feel like shit and I can't take anything. 

I just don't even know what I'm meant to say or feel. I just hope I'm strong enough to keep it together. 

Sometimes I wonder if the depression is coming back or if it's simply because I'm back on contraception. The worst thing is about being back on contraception & I know it's taken effect is the fact that I am pretty much constantly hungry. Which sucks arse if you're trying to lose weight like me. It's then going to be typical that all I want to do is eat. Fabulous. So now I've got to try and ignore all of that. But back to topic..

I feel like.. people don't give a shit. Well, no. Not true as such. But.. I don't know. I feel that two of my closest friends are no longer closest friends anymore. I don't feel like they're interested in me or what I've got to say. They were interested in me lately in so far as they want to know about things with Jay - but then they know him too. So of course they're going to want to know that sort of information. But it just felt so awkward when we all met up the other day like.. It just did. Another example is JB. Went to the gym & as soon as she saw someone she knew she was off with them.. Its like the tiniest silliest detail & yet here I am worrying over it because it proves to me how much must think I am this that & the other. I think it's just insecurities bubbling. I'm getting nervous because my first day at my new job starts tomorrow and I'm worried about it. Normal behaviour yes.

To my last post about pregnancy.. That's not the case at all. It turned out I had a case of bowel craps. Unpleasant, painful & a tad embarrasing. But there we are. NOT pregnancy. THANK FUCK. But yeah. I'm not sure what's occurring with Jay. I really don't. We talk every day, he stayed over mine on Saturday & had dinner&breakfast with my parents. It almost feels like it's stepped up a gear and I'm not sure if that's what I want.. Well.. Idk. I got a look in on his past from when he was 16 & it was so.. dark. I can't even explain it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do. But I basically got told that he got mixed up into things.. Which is weird. It's not something I'm used to and it's not something I've ever been involved in. He also told me that he had some weed on Saturday. Not a big deal, no. But I don't really find it attractive & let's just say it affects other things that goes on. Jeez. I'm not really sure what he wants from this & I do get the impression that there is NOONE else going on either. So yeah, I'm now not worried about that. He's also a very private person, he keeps his cards very close to his chest so I know I should feel privileged that I know some of the information but it still.. I think it terrified me a little to be honest. Some of the people I know are very much going: THERE'S LOVE IN THE AIR. & I'm like WOAH. WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHH. I'm not sure I'm ready for that sort of thing right now. I do not want another heavy relationship at all. I just want to feel free about things. Already I don't. Not by him, but because he's friends with my friends. I don't want things to affect my relationship with anyone else. I know it's incredibly early days & I'm not even sure I should already be having these thoughts? But I am. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with the information and I hadn't prepared myself for things. The whole... meeting my family thing is quite a big step in some cases. If you talk to some people.

Right now I think I'm just uptight about my new job. Money. The future. If I'm going to re-apply to be a midwife. When I can re-apply. There's just so much I'm thinking about at the moment. I think in a week or two, once I've settled into my new job. I will feel better. But until then, I think I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous. Ok. A LOT.

Having sex unprotected & not telling a soul.. Including the person who I had sex with.. Then becoming paranoid that you're pregnant... That's me right now. Oh my god. My lower tummy feels weird today. I had a really bad wind earlier so I'm going to it down to that. I think, no wait I know how paranoid I get because I've had it before. FML. Why can't I just be pregnant-able only when I want to be. Why can't I be in control.. I'm back on my pill since last Saturday because I think we're going to be bumping the uglies again.. Plus, I think this might be going somewhere too, so because it's going to become a regular thing back on the contraception I go. But I had no idea, NO idea that we would be having sex last Saturday. I don't know why I didn't say anything, I really don't. But I think I was embarrassed to say no when I REALLY REALLY wanted to. IT's a big thing for me to have sex so yeah. I'm just going to have to wait another week and a bit to discover whether I am. I think I would actually cry if I was. Like omg. cry.  I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to have to go and take the morning after pill when it fucked me up so bad last time. Yes, last time. You think I would have learnt by now.

Oh oh. Here we go, I can feel the licks of panic starting in my stomach and working they're way up. I can't get pregnant, it would be the end of my life. Well not literally. But, no. I want to do it when it's right and when I'm married and with someone I love. Jeez, me and Jay have literally been seeing each other a matter of months. But this feels weird. WEIRD. I think I'm going to have confess to J because she's been pregnant, she knows what it's like. If I feel the same as her I will burst into tears. It's too late to take the morning after pill, so if I was pregnant.. Well I don't know what I would do. I don't want to be a mum right now, I really don't. I'm not ready.

WELL, I just had a thought. I started taking my pill. YES. That's totally the reason for my lower tummy to feel weird. Because it's adjusting to that. YES. That is how I'm going to see it. I'm still going to ask my best what it was like and then go from there. If my period doesn't come through in the next 16 days then I may cry.. Wait I'll leave it to 20 days and go from there. YES BINGO. We will do that. The thing is, when I said to my mum about the pains I was getting she asked me I was on my period. Like no? So then she was like, it's just really bad wind. But it doesn't last this long does it. I don't even like this feeling. It's like it's all tightening up and weird. WEIRD. Fml.

Please don't let me be pregnant.

Can't believe.. just wow. Okokokokok, so back up a bit. Basically, Jay came round last night and well let's just say we bumped some uglies. Three times & it was good. Oh my jeebus. He's the third person I've ever had sex with and within the quickest time frame.. All though I say this I can't even remember how quick it was before I had sex with L. I know with B it was 4 months. With Jay it's been 2 months and technically our 3rd date. It trips me out a bit. I sit here and I giggle to myself because I can't quite believe it. I'm not really sure if it will happen again, I think I will. Oh my days, it was just lovely.

We cuddled for hours and if he hadn't of had work he would have stayed over. So I drove him home at half 1 in the morning, so today I am exhausted. Im not really sure where this going to lead, but I hope some where good.

I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have anxieties. Which I really do put down a lot to why I got depression to the extent that I did. Not going to lie, there were several moments when I just wanted to end it all. I didn't feel good enough and I felt that what I did have to offer in general was pretty shitty; so I felt like there wasn't any point in me trying to fix it. However, that has passed some what. I now have a brand new job and also 2 interviews for other jobs on Monday. I think I'm going to cancel one of them, but I would really like to get the hospital job, seeing as I want to be a midwife an all.

Anywayyyyy. Have totally rejoined the gym yesterday. After relaxing in the jacuzzi for about 30 minutes yesterday, today I actually intend to use the gym equipment. & book into a million classes. I really want to lose a stone by the summer. & than 2 by the time I go away in October! YES.