I know what I want.. I want love. That sort of happy love where you act like kids and hold hands. Yeah that is what I want now, defiantly. Maybe I need time to let go off B before I could decide that. Because doing so meant that I wanted something away from him, as he wouldn't give that to me. Now I just want some one to come along and for us to be together and be happy. Nothing serious as engagement, just to love each other. Especially in the summer. That Wouk be glorious.


A girl can wish though.

Another new week. Hopefully going to be a good week. I'm pretty busy most of the week: going out for dinner twice. Once with my family and another with C, L & A. So it's going to be fun.

With regards to the depression I defiantly feel that that dark cloud has lifted. Completely this time. I think now it's just a case of hoping that a job comes my way. I don't feel I have anything massively to stress about now. I'm on JSA now, I don't feel so miserable.

A really important thing is that I'm not having to deal with the whole thing about B. It makes me feel sad and it make same want to cry a bit still, but I don't have that ache anymore, I don't have that loneliness anymore. I feel that i've moved on with it all. Ready to move on with it all, find someone else or not. Because that's ok too. I feel that it's going to get better and I'm ok being on my own. I want to be ok on my own now.  The only thing I need to do now is get over my craving for fast & fatty food and I'm sorted.

A couple of days off my routine and I'm starting to feel crap. I'm really starting to miss B. I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday when he randomly appeared outside my house. I'm trying not to cave into texting him because no doubt if he doesn't reply I'll be getting stroppy about it and then I'll just be back to the beginning. At least with this I can only forget things and move forward. The other guy that I liked S, well I think that's a no go. This is the 3rd time he hasn't replied to my message so, unless I get very drunk on Saturday and text him then I don't think I will be hearing from him again. I think I just give up on men. I just give up and I think that this is the best way to be. Not caring about having someone means that I can be ok on my own. Being single. The only downside to being single is the fact that I get a bit lonely. Ok, right now, a lot lonely. I've felt lonely all day today when I've stopped. I think, that this is because of the fact it's a week tomorrow since I spoke to him. But it's time to nip this addiction in the bud. I don't feel control, I don't feel that I have my self control when I feel as pants at this.

I know that in time this feeling will go because I will forget about him. Right now I'm concentrating on me and my life and making my career possible. Daddio's sending of my application form to volunteer at the women's refugee and I've made contact with another place. Hopefully these will all better my CV to be a midwife. My dream job. & pay. Just everything about it makes me feel excited. There is no better job for me than to be a midwife. I really pray with every being that I will get accepted into the course this year. Then I will literally have the count down to my start date which will be September '2013. Which if I can convince myself enough, is not that far away. Nope, not at all. Only a month and half. But who's counting?

I just hope that doing this volunteering will mean that I get the experience of dealing with parents/children that others won't. Plus I can always do some more at the hospital if need be. I'm just trying to keep my head away from thinking about B. Because then, then maybe it won't be so bad. Not that it's as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago - no not at all. I feel like those weeks where months ago. I feel like that horrible cloud has lifted now. But my anxiety is worse for it. I'm trying really hard not to break the roles and even something as small as that makes me worry.

As much as I want a job I really want to volunteer to get that experience under my belt. Hopefully I can do some on a Saturday or an evening if I do. I just guess I have to see how everything goes. As per.