I'm pregnant. 

I'm actually pregnant. I took my pregnancy test Saturday morning around 6:30am and it's now sunday 8pm. Jay knows and he's been amazing. I'm booking in with the doctor asap and then going to booked in at the clinic. I don't know if it's the sort of situation where it's the same day or not. I don't even know. But I'm having an abortion. Jesus I've not even said that. It took me over 12 hours to even say that I was pregnant let alone going to have a termination. My hormones are all up the creek to be honest so I can't really honestly say how I feel cause I don't really know. 

But I think, I think I love being pregnant. I know I've only known less than two days but. yeah I think I really do. I saw Jay today and we both agreed that we wouldn't be able to provide the best situation for it all. So yeah here I am. Agreeing for a termination. At the time it's the right thing and I know I will go through with it. It's probably going to kill me a bit inside but yeah. I'm going to do it. And. I don't know. I'm just emotional and shit. I'm bawling my eyes out and I feel like shit and I can't take anything. 

I just don't even know what I'm meant to say or feel. I just hope I'm strong enough to keep it together. 

Sometimes I wonder if the depression is coming back or if it's simply because I'm back on contraception. The worst thing is about being back on contraception & I know it's taken effect is the fact that I am pretty much constantly hungry. Which sucks arse if you're trying to lose weight like me. It's then going to be typical that all I want to do is eat. Fabulous. So now I've got to try and ignore all of that. But back to topic..

I feel like.. people don't give a shit. Well, no. Not true as such. But.. I don't know. I feel that two of my closest friends are no longer closest friends anymore. I don't feel like they're interested in me or what I've got to say. They were interested in me lately in so far as they want to know about things with Jay - but then they know him too. So of course they're going to want to know that sort of information. But it just felt so awkward when we all met up the other day like.. It just did. Another example is JB. Went to the gym & as soon as she saw someone she knew she was off with them.. Its like the tiniest silliest detail & yet here I am worrying over it because it proves to me how much must think I am this that & the other. I think it's just insecurities bubbling. I'm getting nervous because my first day at my new job starts tomorrow and I'm worried about it. Normal behaviour yes.

To my last post about pregnancy.. That's not the case at all. It turned out I had a case of bowel craps. Unpleasant, painful & a tad embarrasing. But there we are. NOT pregnancy. THANK FUCK. But yeah. I'm not sure what's occurring with Jay. I really don't. We talk every day, he stayed over mine on Saturday & had dinner&breakfast with my parents. It almost feels like it's stepped up a gear and I'm not sure if that's what I want.. Well.. Idk. I got a look in on his past from when he was 16 & it was so.. dark. I can't even explain it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do. But I basically got told that he got mixed up into things.. Which is weird. It's not something I'm used to and it's not something I've ever been involved in. He also told me that he had some weed on Saturday. Not a big deal, no. But I don't really find it attractive & let's just say it affects other things that goes on. Jeez. I'm not really sure what he wants from this & I do get the impression that there is NOONE else going on either. So yeah, I'm now not worried about that. He's also a very private person, he keeps his cards very close to his chest so I know I should feel privileged that I know some of the information but it still.. I think it terrified me a little to be honest. Some of the people I know are very much going: THERE'S LOVE IN THE AIR. & I'm like WOAH. WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHH. I'm not sure I'm ready for that sort of thing right now. I do not want another heavy relationship at all. I just want to feel free about things. Already I don't. Not by him, but because he's friends with my friends. I don't want things to affect my relationship with anyone else. I know it's incredibly early days & I'm not even sure I should already be having these thoughts? But I am. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with the information and I hadn't prepared myself for things. The whole... meeting my family thing is quite a big step in some cases. If you talk to some people.

Right now I think I'm just uptight about my new job. Money. The future. If I'm going to re-apply to be a midwife. When I can re-apply. There's just so much I'm thinking about at the moment. I think in a week or two, once I've settled into my new job. I will feel better. But until then, I think I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous. Ok. A LOT.

Having sex unprotected & not telling a soul.. Including the person who I had sex with.. Then becoming paranoid that you're pregnant... That's me right now. Oh my god. My lower tummy feels weird today. I had a really bad wind earlier so I'm going to it down to that. I think, no wait I know how paranoid I get because I've had it before. FML. Why can't I just be pregnant-able only when I want to be. Why can't I be in control.. I'm back on my pill since last Saturday because I think we're going to be bumping the uglies again.. Plus, I think this might be going somewhere too, so because it's going to become a regular thing back on the contraception I go. But I had no idea, NO idea that we would be having sex last Saturday. I don't know why I didn't say anything, I really don't. But I think I was embarrassed to say no when I REALLY REALLY wanted to. IT's a big thing for me to have sex so yeah. I'm just going to have to wait another week and a bit to discover whether I am. I think I would actually cry if I was. Like omg. cry.  I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to have to go and take the morning after pill when it fucked me up so bad last time. Yes, last time. You think I would have learnt by now.

Oh oh. Here we go, I can feel the licks of panic starting in my stomach and working they're way up. I can't get pregnant, it would be the end of my life. Well not literally. But, no. I want to do it when it's right and when I'm married and with someone I love. Jeez, me and Jay have literally been seeing each other a matter of months. But this feels weird. WEIRD. I think I'm going to have confess to J because she's been pregnant, she knows what it's like. If I feel the same as her I will burst into tears. It's too late to take the morning after pill, so if I was pregnant.. Well I don't know what I would do. I don't want to be a mum right now, I really don't. I'm not ready.

WELL, I just had a thought. I started taking my pill. YES. That's totally the reason for my lower tummy to feel weird. Because it's adjusting to that. YES. That is how I'm going to see it. I'm still going to ask my best what it was like and then go from there. If my period doesn't come through in the next 16 days then I may cry.. Wait I'll leave it to 20 days and go from there. YES BINGO. We will do that. The thing is, when I said to my mum about the pains I was getting she asked me I was on my period. Like no? So then she was like, it's just really bad wind. But it doesn't last this long does it. I don't even like this feeling. It's like it's all tightening up and weird. WEIRD. Fml.

Please don't let me be pregnant.

Can't believe.. just wow. Okokokokok, so back up a bit. Basically, Jay came round last night and well let's just say we bumped some uglies. Three times & it was good. Oh my jeebus. He's the third person I've ever had sex with and within the quickest time frame.. All though I say this I can't even remember how quick it was before I had sex with L. I know with B it was 4 months. With Jay it's been 2 months and technically our 3rd date. It trips me out a bit. I sit here and I giggle to myself because I can't quite believe it. I'm not really sure if it will happen again, I think I will. Oh my days, it was just lovely.

We cuddled for hours and if he hadn't of had work he would have stayed over. So I drove him home at half 1 in the morning, so today I am exhausted. Im not really sure where this going to lead, but I hope some where good.

I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have anxieties. Which I really do put down a lot to why I got depression to the extent that I did. Not going to lie, there were several moments when I just wanted to end it all. I didn't feel good enough and I felt that what I did have to offer in general was pretty shitty; so I felt like there wasn't any point in me trying to fix it. However, that has passed some what. I now have a brand new job and also 2 interviews for other jobs on Monday. I think I'm going to cancel one of them, but I would really like to get the hospital job, seeing as I want to be a midwife an all.

Anywayyyyy. Have totally rejoined the gym yesterday. After relaxing in the jacuzzi for about 30 minutes yesterday, today I actually intend to use the gym equipment. & book into a million classes. I really want to lose a stone by the summer. & than 2 by the time I go away in October! YES.

Insecurities.

I've always been a girl to have a low-self esteem & low body confidence; leading to me having a high number of insecurities. Of course a lot of these is because I know i'm not the skinniest girl about, although I'm not the biggest, I am the biggest out of my circle of friends. In 2008 I managed to lose over a stone in weight and completely change my body shape: I really felt the most happiest because I was finally dealing with my body hang ups. Nearly 4 years down the line, I've managed to somehow keep that body shape and only put on half a stone since. Not the best, but not the worst either. Of course when it comes to boys my body issues have always been a problem; getting attention, keeping attention and having the attention. I've always put a lot of my problems down to my weight, whether that be the case or not.

Over the last 4/5 weeks I've been taking Jay. I've actually met up with him twice; the last time being on Monday when we went to the beach. I swear I think he might have kissed me, but I quickly went in for a hug.. So maybe, I don't know. But the hug did defiantly seem a lot longer than the previous two we've had. A hug.. That's as far as any sort of physical sense has happened. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how this boy sees me at all. My insecurities before got to me so much that in the end I text him asking him if he wanted to see me again or not. In short his answer was yes, but he wasn't looking for any relationship because he had been burnt before. He then went on to tell me that his head is so busy thinking about his job / career and moving out etc that he doesn't really have the time for a girlfriend. He then went on to arrange to meet up with me on the following Sunday. Sunday came, no defiant arrangements made. I text, it was moved to Monday where we went to the beach. Ended up talking about sex in the car, which was in someways excitingly embarrassing if that even makes sense.

I don't know what's really going on. I'm sure that the number of messages I'm getting from him are fewer and farther between and it makes me feel that he's not really into me. I don't know if that's because of who he is.. Well actually I do know this. He even admitted to me that he sucks at texting, so I shouldn't take it to heart. I spent my day today with a friend, within the space of a week she's put her slutty (not nicer way to say it..) on the shelf for a boy who she sees as 'perfect' for her. Within a week, they've had sex and seen each other every day and text all the time. Compared to my thing with Jay, there's really nothing to it. I don't even know if the guy fancies me.. People say that we've been on two dates but how do you know if they are dates? I don't know if me and him are on the same page at all. By saying he wants to see me again doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing me as more than friend.. Well.. Actually know that I think about it, he was the one that mentioned romance.. so.. well, yes, I guess that does indicate that he has been seeing me as more than a friend I guess. So well yeah. So the guy doesn't text me that much because he's at work and is busy.. doesn't mean he's not interested. Plus he's admitted that he doesn't text that often because he doesn't like using a touch screen.. So. Yeah.

I think my problem is; I compare. I compare too much. Watching my friend be the way she is with her potential boyfriend - which is a shock in itself ... Sort off.. makes it seem that what I have is nothing. Talking to my friend L though she's just said that you can't compare friendships or relationships and she's right. I know she's right. But sometimes it hard. Especially when you have so many hang ups over your body/mind/attractiveness. Thankfully I have a job which starts in early May. Hopefully this will give me something else to concentrate on. Rather then wondering what he's thinking. Because I won't know. Unless I ask. Maybe.