Saturday, 28 April 2012

I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have anxieties. Which I really do put down a lot to why I got depression to the extent that I did. Not going to lie, there were several moments when I just wanted to end it all. I didn't feel good enough and I felt that what I did have to offer in general was pretty shitty; so I felt like there wasn't any point in me trying to fix it. However, that has passed some what. I now have a brand new job and also 2 interviews for other jobs on Monday. I think I'm going to cancel one of them, but I would really like to get the hospital job, seeing as I want to be a midwife an all.

Anywayyyyy. Have totally rejoined the gym yesterday. After relaxing in the jacuzzi for about 30 minutes yesterday, today I actually intend to use the gym equipment. & book into a million classes. I really want to lose a stone by the summer. & than 2 by the time I go away in October! YES.

Friday, 20 April 2012


I've always been a girl to have a low-self esteem & low body confidence; leading to me having a high number of insecurities. Of course a lot of these is because I know i'm not the skinniest girl about, although I'm not the biggest, I am the biggest out of my circle of friends. In 2008 I managed to lose over a stone in weight and completely change my body shape: I really felt the most happiest because I was finally dealing with my body hang ups. Nearly 4 years down the line, I've managed to somehow keep that body shape and only put on half a stone since. Not the best, but not the worst either. Of course when it comes to boys my body issues have always been a problem; getting attention, keeping attention and having the attention. I've always put a lot of my problems down to my weight, whether that be the case or not.

Over the last 4/5 weeks I've been taking Jay. I've actually met up with him twice; the last time being on Monday when we went to the beach. I swear I think he might have kissed me, but I quickly went in for a hug.. So maybe, I don't know. But the hug did defiantly seem a lot longer than the previous two we've had. A hug.. That's as far as any sort of physical sense has happened. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how this boy sees me at all. My insecurities before got to me so much that in the end I text him asking him if he wanted to see me again or not. In short his answer was yes, but he wasn't looking for any relationship because he had been burnt before. He then went on to tell me that his head is so busy thinking about his job / career and moving out etc that he doesn't really have the time for a girlfriend. He then went on to arrange to meet up with me on the following Sunday. Sunday came, no defiant arrangements made. I text, it was moved to Monday where we went to the beach. Ended up talking about sex in the car, which was in someways excitingly embarrassing if that even makes sense.

I don't know what's really going on. I'm sure that the number of messages I'm getting from him are fewer and farther between and it makes me feel that he's not really into me. I don't know if that's because of who he is.. Well actually I do know this. He even admitted to me that he sucks at texting, so I shouldn't take it to heart. I spent my day today with a friend, within the space of a week she's put her slutty (not nicer way to say it..) on the shelf for a boy who she sees as 'perfect' for her. Within a week, they've had sex and seen each other every day and text all the time. Compared to my thing with Jay, there's really nothing to it. I don't even know if the guy fancies me.. People say that we've been on two dates but how do you know if they are dates? I don't know if me and him are on the same page at all. By saying he wants to see me again doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing me as more than friend.. Well.. Actually know that I think about it, he was the one that mentioned romance.. so.. well, yes, I guess that does indicate that he has been seeing me as more than a friend I guess. So well yeah. So the guy doesn't text me that much because he's at work and is busy.. doesn't mean he's not interested. Plus he's admitted that he doesn't text that often because he doesn't like using a touch screen.. So. Yeah.

I think my problem is; I compare. I compare too much. Watching my friend be the way she is with her potential boyfriend - which is a shock in itself ... Sort off.. makes it seem that what I have is nothing. Talking to my friend L though she's just said that you can't compare friendships or relationships and she's right. I know she's right. But sometimes it hard. Especially when you have so many hang ups over your body/mind/attractiveness. Thankfully I have a job which starts in early May. Hopefully this will give me something else to concentrate on. Rather then wondering what he's thinking. Because I won't know. Unless I ask. Maybe.