Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Had sort of a good day. Got some queries out of the way and now know where I stand. I've got this lovely lady helping me look for work so that's good. I was really anxious about going to met her though, not sure if I would've gone if my mum hadn't of been there.

Not surely how I'm feeling right now. A bit low I feel. I saw b yesterday, not planned. He just turned up and we had a quick trip to tesco before I went to my dance class.. I tried hard to be casual around him, not hold his hand or anything like that. He gave me a big and a complement about my bum which I just laughed off. Haven't spoken to him since, although I've text him about going to this festival. Not sure if I regret it now. Just do know if I can be bothered to deal with the hassle of getting there. Hmm. We shall see what he says, but if I hadn't of text him about that then I wouldn't have text him today.

In other news I have a potential date. Its a guy I've been interested in for a while. So I just wrote him a quick email and than ran away. He says he wants to meet up too :). Im doing it to see if j want a relationship or anything like that. Plus it can't hurt to see, also help me with the situation with b. cus if he's meeting people well then, so am I. I just wan to be friends with him and be cool with him being with someone else. I'm fed up of the same things and feelings.

Maybe now this will help, who knows.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

I really do wonder if he went on that road trip today or not. I don't know why I'm so interested. I'm probably never going to hear from him again or go to his flat again. My heart aches at that, but it's going to have to man-up and catch up with the logical side now. Enough is enough. I can't go on like this with him. Just because it sort of hurts me now doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

Just go off the phone with a very nice lady about some practical support. She's given me this number to see where I stand legally and I've been booked into see a guy about my CV / volunteering / career help. So this should help and if nothing else it may help be get some information under my belt about what's going to make me more likely to apply/get in to be a midwife. Maybe.

Was just talking to Mum also about everything. I said to her that I wondered if B had gone on the trip. I told her that I don't really know what I want or even don't want when it comes to him, a relationship, causal things; not just with B but with other people. I just do not know. I don't think having another relationship casual or serious is going to help the situation because I don't really know how that's going to help.

So yeah, at least I'm getting some extra help now.
Feeling low today. I keep getting dreams about B - as in me and him together in certain circumstances. I also dreamt the other day about K as well as B & his best mate. It was so weird because that was the situation a year ago. Well actually, longer than that. Seeing as K & J split up around this time last year. Wow. I feel in someways my head is stuck in the past, even though I feel a lot more logically about the whole thing than before.

I was meant to be going on a road trip with B & his mate but I've not heard anything from him since the other day - saturday I think. Which is good, I don't want to hear from him. But still. I feel I don't know. I dreamt last night we were together & then this morning I woke up to Adele being stuck in my head: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". This is not the sort of thing I want to think about at all. I don't want to think about it him at all. I know he's up already today, because I went on the dating website & he was there. It stings a little bit, seeing him on there. It really does. I don't want to care about it all. In some ways I think I'm making steps forward to not caring. but I don't know if I can trust that, I don't seem to really know how I feel about anything until some sort of explosion. I just checked my phone to see if he's text me: no. Although arguably I could text him - but that's not the point is it. I'm trying to let him go & move on. So not talking is the way forward.

I kind of feel stronger lately. I feel more in control of my life, I may have a potential job interview in a doctors surgery which would be fantastic. For many reasons. Just got to see if I get an interview as I got an email with the details of the job. I still feel, like, numb a lot of the time. I still feel miserable, I don't get much enjoyment out of things, but I think I'm getting better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or felt unstable. I've had a couple of nights crying, but talking to C about it has made me feel stronger. Her faith in me that I will get over things and get better makes me feel stronger. I don't feel like, I shouldn't be here anymore. Or what's the point. I defiantly still do not look to the future, I just think about the day and how I'm going to get through that. If anything I think about as far as the following two days or so. Time is going so quickly, I can't keep up. I don't know what is up or what is down these days. I had to ask J 3 times what day we were on. I just have no concept of the days.

Rethink have given me this diary thing. I think that's helped, I feel a lot more in control and structured. Whereas before I just felt lost and that I was sinking. Now I've got a good idea of what my day to day plan is, but I still feel like : 'I can't be fucked to do this'. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or because I do not have the motivation to do it. I started reading my midwifery book the other day and only got maybe 1/3 of the way through the first chapter. My attention span is shot to hell. But I had a moment of really wanting to do it - so I did. but otherwise.. for example.. right now. There's nothing I really want to do. I just want something to distract my mind away from today. If I can just get through today I will feel better. Oddly, I accidentally opened up an app on my ipod for the christmas countdown & the christmas music started playing - it was 301 days until Christmas. & that makes me sad. It makes me sad right now actually. That I'm going to be alone & single for christmas - I say alone. But only in the single sense. I will have my mum & dad etc.

God I found christmas SO hard to deal with this time round. I honestly think thats when my real depression hit. Because it would physically hurt. The reason, I think I had stayed at B's for one night and spent the day there. Yeah, and I came home for dinner. It might have been christmas Eve, or the day before, winter wipeout was on. I had the radio on and it was playing christmas songs & the loneliness I felt when I drove home. I don't know why, I don't know why I felt it. I had no problem any time before hand.. Actually, I think. I think I realised how fake the whole thing with B was, because I could pretend that I was dealing. But christmas is the time your meant to spend with your loved ones & I wasn't spending it with him. I think I've been in denial about him for a long time. I keep, I keep getting flashbacks of Ireland with him. The trip literally days before we broke up. That'll have been a year next month. Oh god, what if I can't cope through March?! It's B's birthday & a whole year since we broke up & Ireland. What if it hurts so bad? I've got a twinge now for christ sake. Fuck fuck fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Forget it, I'm just going to have to forget it. I won't care about it all by then. I have a month. Ish.

Please, let me get this job & let me move on from this.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

I find it really hard to be in my bedroom right now. It's like I've gone through a break up right now. Every time I go into my bedroom it's like I'm hit with loneliness and lays itself across my chest with a grip hold. My brain keeps popping up images of me and b together. Just no reason at all. I think I've accepted that a part of me still love him and the thought of us.

But, I just miss being held. It was a mistake having him stay at mine if this is how I feel now. I don't really know what to do about it or how to make it go away. Because every time I walk into my room I feel him holding me. I do think that a part of this is because I miss being held rather than him. this is not how I'm meant to be right now. Why do I always feel this way!? I don't even understand this heartache.

I don't need it or want it. Just want it to go.
I don't really know what to say anymore. I think I'm doing better and then BOOM. I fall to pieces. I had another episode last night and I don't really know what about or whom. I just felt so shit about being lonely and not having anyone. But I feel like, I don't know. I feel like right now I need to be 'happy' single. Whatever happy is. I just don't want to care about B having another girlfriend or even seeing another girl. Just, I know one day it will happen for me.

Started doing a bit of studying for my midwifery. Just started on the first chapter, but it's a start.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

As soon as I think I'm starting to make progress then I start to fall back. I just feel utter shit. Why? I think it's mainly because I saw B. Christ, he's just so bad for me clearly. If I keep feeling this way afterwards. He took me for a drive - in a car he's had 3 days. His first car too Then he stayed over mine because he was so tired. So I went to bed as well and he cuddled up to me all night. We basically had sexy time without the sex but still. He woke me up to do it as well. Then in the morning we had a shower together. It was all nicey nice. Made plans to see him on Tuesday with his friend to go for a road trip. But then after he text me asking me if I had met anyone from the dating website. Where he then tells me that he's on there too. I then click as I had a text from his mate asking if I had met someone yet. I was like whaaat?! I asked him and he said he didn't know at the time. I don't know. He said he knew a couple of weeks later, but I don't believe him now.

I just feel heartache. I just, I really don't know why I feel so heavy hearted. Really lonely. I obviously want him and he obviously doesn't want me. He doesn't want to commit to me anyway. But I don't really know. I don't want to know, I don't want to want him anymore. It just makes me feel so ick, shitty, emotional, depressed. Because this is probably not good for me in the condition that I'm in. SIGH. I'm hoping that this will pass and I can let it go. For good. maybe. Because I don't really want to.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Additionally... I'm always hungry. I really do not understand why? Is it because I'm trying to restrict what I eat and lose weight that my body has decided that it's craving food ALL the time. My stomach is now rumbling?! I've eaten lunch today and a bit of a snack. Why can't that be enough?! it's going to have to wait an hour and half before I eat and deal with it. I need some tips.
Not sure how I'm feeling today. Not looking forward to the fact that I'm going over to see J this evening. I think it's because I'm concerned that we're going to have an argument about all of it. I really do not want to talk about it, but I'm going to guess and say she will  but I don't really know. Just have to see how it goes. I think another thing affecting my mood is that I thought I would hear from B about what we're doing tomorrow, but he might leave that till this evening when he comes back from work. Or in the morning. He might have even meant the week after. But whatever. I'm trying not to let it bother me.

I just feel exhausted today. Just, want to go back into bed and forget everything. I think its because I had a really horrible dream that my mum died. It was so RAW and painful. I don't even know why I dreamt that.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

I think things are starting to look up. I've been booked in for another help services next Tuesday to help with the practical side of things. Volunteering / working / benefits etc. I've got my therapy phone call in 45 minutes. I've booked into go to a midwifery workshop in March. So hopefully these are all good signs. I just wish I could get a job. I'm so utterly bored with my life and there are so many things I want to buy.

But hopefully within the next month or so things will start to look up even more.

Monday, 20 February 2012

HIYA YUMMY DINNER. Managed to cook yet another successful dinner & actually remembered to take a picture of my success. BBC good food have such good recipes for vegetarian main meals and this was just yummy. Spicy, filling. Just needed more yoghurt in my opinion. Going to be making pancakes in half an hour! YAY.
I had the loveliest conversation last night with my Joey. If I were to have a best friend ever, she would be it. We just bounce of each other all the time. She's there throughout. She's just amazing. It was so weird ti hear her voice as I haven't heard from her  in a long time. But it was really nice. :) I'm hoping to see her in October to go to the twilight convention. We shall see cus I'm not sure how money/job is going to be then I'm really hoping that I can just say I want it as holiday or something. Idk. I still haven't heard back from the job interview I had nearly a week ago.. I'm going to go that that was a no. Shame, but never mind. I've just got to start again.

I had a warning on my blog because I was a bit concerned about how I was feeling, but think I might take that off as I don't feel so dark/gloomy/suicidal that I was. I've never ever felt so low in my life and I'm not completely out of the woods yet. I still struggled to get out of bed this morning, I still don't have the motivation to do anything. But I'm not thinking of off-ing myself at the moment like I was. I have yet to trust that this isn't going to come back. I just can't predict how I'm going to be. But for right now I feel ok.

In other news I'm cooking dinner for my family. So far I have made 2 very successful meals. Tonight I'm cooking enchiladas, which is probably going to be the most complicated of the lot. But that was really the point. I wanted something somewhat difficult so I can practice my cooking. Get used to using ingredients and hopefully, then I might take over the cooking from my mum permantently. I really really enjoy cooking. It gives me something to do and I help round the house by doing it. I think I'm actually an ok cook. It's just remembering to get this done in time. I'm hoping it'll make me more time aware and organised etc. Only a positive outcome really.

Probably going to have start job searching again at some point. But I just don't really want to. No motivation to do it at all. Right now I can't even be bothered to take the dog out.. I just feel so tired. I don't know if that's cause I fell back to sleep or because of the depression. I do feel more with-it that's for sure.

I just take a day at a time now. No real forward thinking otherwise I think I start to worry about 'what-ifs' and 'no money' / 'no job'. Which leads to more depressing thoughts such as ' i won't be able to see my friends / go out'. Or 'won't be able to give my family any money'. It's just hideously depressing. So I'm going to cut that thought of there.. anddddd.. go find something to do. Like play the sims3 until lunch. My life is so exciting.

Sunday, 19 February 2012


Oh my.. I don't know what's going on.. But I feel. almost happy?! I say this with a smile on my face?! I don't know what's going on. But yes. I went out last night with L & had one of the BEST NIGHTS ever. We drank so much, but not enough to feel poorly. We got it just right. We boogied the night way.. until 1:30am when we lagged. Start early - finish early. BOO. But that was super with me.

I drove home listening to Reel Big Fish & with the sun shining, I just feel SO good right now. I feel happy. I feel a bit nervy about it because I'm not sure how long this is going to last for. But I'm going to grab on to this feeling with both hands. Maybe I'm still a bit drunk ?! Who knows. But I'm having a little bit of a dance right now to RBF.

I'm hoping that I will stay this way, I've just got keep this feeling and then move on with it. & the best bit? This has nothing to do with B. He's not made me feel this way at all! BEST THING. AH. I love life right now. Let's hope this feeling stays :)

Saturday, 18 February 2012


I am defiantly starting to feel more myself today. I don't feel any unhappiness, just feel a lot more content. Maybe it's because things are starting to sort themselves out? I don't know. Hopefully though this is a good sign. I was feeling really angry when I first woke up & had a bit of a shouting/argument with my parents about something completely irrelevant. But after having a shower and knowing that I'm seeing L tonight makes things a little bit more easier.

I think also it helps that I haven't really thought about B that much. Instead I'm thinking more about.. S. haha. This massively makes me think of J.R Ward's lessers right now. But that's neither here nor there. I've started to enjoy reading again, but I'm just wary because I'm not sure how long this will last for. If I start thinking about B to much I start feeling a sadness which I know I shouldn't. I'm hoping that forgetting about it him is going to be the way forward. I do still want him in my life as my friend, but I want to be able to do that without feeling shit/jealous if he finds a new girlfriend. Which no doubt he will. It's weird I can go days without talking to him but I'm sure if I see him on MSN I'll feel a pang of whatever it is I feel. I think I'm over the worst that I'm going to feel with regards to him.

I've also lost 1 pound. Not a massive deal since I last weighed myself, but I'd had breakfast and I've lost something. Especially with the amount of rubbish food I have been eating. Hopefully I can nip that in the bud and keep on doing my fast pace walking & shift some weight. I REALLY want to lost a stone by May... Simply because that was when I was meant to go with B to a wedding. Not sure if that will be happening, but I want to look beautiful & wonderful for that party. So, losing weight is going to be something that makes me feel happier and healthier than I really want to do it. For me. & Only for me. Because B never said once about me being too fat or too thin, or having bumps in all the wrong places. But either way I now weight 12 stone 8. so I want to be at least 11 stone by May. Even if it's 11 stone 13/14 I don't care. Just want it to go!

But regardless, I want to lose the weight, go on a few dates. Feel good again. Yes, that's what I want to do.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Ive had an alright day, yeah I have. I completed my first night of cooking dinner. But now, I'm lying in bed wanting to see B. like on a real big level. I want him all over me, touching me. Raw and real. That's what I'm.. Almost.. Craving. I want to feel some one else touch my skin and god he was good at that.

I picked up my phone to text him buy then thought : what would I say? Plus I wouldn't be able to see him for another two weeks anyway. I feel like I'm getting better about him now, because I haven't seen him in a while. I know this is what I need to do. Hopefully when I see him again I'll be a little thinner, fitter and happier. I'm sorting myself out now I hope. I want him to see me and think: wow. She's changed. I just hope I can do it.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Aaaand I'm back out of that black hole. Up and down. Up and down.
Talking to some-one that I haven't spoken to in a while about my depression. She says things like "you can talk to me about it" because she's been through it. & I do really believe her. But I don't really know.. Because we were really close and then we weren't because of our trip. But I suppose it's nice to have the support there.

Unlike others. I just can't believe people's.. attitude towards me right now. People should just respect me when I say that I don't want to go out and see people. I may have lied by saying that I'd only seen people once when I've also seen my other friend. But that's still only 2 occasions I've been out for my friends in the last 2/3 weeks. Why is it this such a big deal. Oh yeah, because she think's it's bullshit. Right. Nice. Maybe I am making an excuse not to go over, but I really do not have any interest in seeing people right now. I'm meant to be going out on Saturday for a night out in BT with L & her friends. As it's one of her friend's birthday. I'm not really sure I want to go. I'm really concerned that I'm going to be there and just be an annoyance because I'm going to be so miserable. Plus, I'm worried that drinking alcohol is going to make me worse.

She's also convinced that the only reason I've got depression is because I haven't got a job. Is she for real? If it was just that then it would be easy. But it's not.. its about my self-worth & self-esteem being completely shot. I've had disappointment after disappointment after heartbreak after self-hatred.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't seem to have the will to fight. I don't even know what I'd be fighting for anymore. None of my friends.. understand apart from one. & she can't just drop everything because she has children. I just want a cuddle. I just want some-one to take it all away. I don't think I've got the strength to do this anymore.
I still feel utterly miserable. Nothing I do is shifting it. It's like this really heavy feeling over my heart and chest.. No matter what I do it's still there. I feel so low it's unreal. I'm getting pleasure from nothing, pleasure from no where. I just feel so lost and I don't know which way to turn. I wish..

I say I wish and I see his face. this is not where I'm meant to be. I don't want him in my head. I know I need more, but I can't see anyone else's. I think a part of me is panicking because I can't see the end of this, I can't see this changing. I hate it. I hate it. This constant misery and now I don't have any one to at least cuddle at least have some sort of physical contact with. Its sometime's hard to breathe because it weighs me down so much. I really just, hate it.

Please something change. Please, some-one help it all change.
I really regret talking to B yesterday. Not regret as such.. But I feel so miserable because of it. I know I needed to hear what he had to say but that hasn't made hearing it that much easier. Basically I think he's let me go & he's moved on. He's not interested in seeing me or hearing from me, but he can't say that. He doesn't want to have to deal with my problems because he doesn't want the responsibility. He's not my boyfriend anymore, he's my ex. I feel like we broke up yesterday when we weren't even together. Because I feel that he's just gone.

It's my fault that he's gone. I ran to him & I shouldn't have. I should've kept it light & fun. I just keep thinking that I want to see him and have sex with him & just have fun. But I can't do that anymore. fuckfuckfuck. He's probably already got a new girl for Valentine's day. I've just got to let it go. LET IT GO. I just want to move on now without him. For my own sanity.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

In crying so hard in bed. Because I feel so utterly miserable. The thought of going on like this just makes it worse. Talking to B and have him say he doesn't want me to depend on him and for him to say he cares as a friend has hit me. I've also realised that I'm finding faults with others because I really want him. How have I done this to myself? How have I got myself into this mess?

I just want to be happy and have some else make me happy too. And right now a strong part of me wants it to e him. So upset and lonely :(
I feel like I'm in a really weird place right now with B. I was talking to him today about stuff and he was saying he doesn't want to me to depend on him. Then said that he cared about me as friend. I just. Wow. Like I knew this, but I also thought he had more feelings about me. Maybe I had just convinced myself or got myself confused. Maybe things have completely changed.

Oh god. I don't even know. Because talking to him on MSN and then texting makes me feel even more confused. Not only that I've got some 18 year old chatting me up. & the one guy I do want to hear from doesn't message that much. I just want some-one to come along and sweep me off my feet. Like now. Please. Just so that I can move away with B and make it all that much easier for me.
So I'm talking to B on MSN. First time I've spoken to him since whenever. & he's just told me that he's drank. I knew he couldn't stay a whole month without drinking and he doesn't think his problem is coming back. Jay has text me cause she's paranoid and stalking my tweets instead of saying stuff to me.

I'm pissed off & I'm not quite sure why.
I reallllyyyy hate that I can just sign onto MSN and I can see B on there & all of a sudden I feel at a loss & lonely.

FML. I don't want to feel this shit.
Not really sure what to say about things right not to be honest. I went for a job interview yesterday and I think it went well about.. 60%. I'm not sure if I have done enough for the job but I guess I will just have to wait and see. Just got back from a run with the dog. Only 20 minutes and it wasn't all running, I'd say about 50% running and 50% walking but I really feel exhausted just by that. I've got so unfit and it makes me miserable. Hopefully I can push myself to do this every day so that it becomes easier. In turn I'll feel fitter and hopefully, I'll lose some weight by it as well.

On the up date with B, nothing much to say really. I've had one text from him since I last saw him. But I haven't text him since that and I don't know if I'm going to. I feel like I'm moving away from that situation. Something that I'm half happy about and half unsure about. I want to go to him for sexy time.. because I haven't had that in a while.. But I know that this will fade after I haven't had sex in a while. My period was apparently meant to come through today and it hasn't. So here come all the thoughts about being pregnant. I think if I'm really honest, I'd LOVE to be pregnant. But I don't think it'd be for the right reasons. I know that getting pregnant and not being with the Dad will be a regret. I want to do things the right way, I don't want to be the same as many of the other girls in my area. Pregnant but single. That's not how I want it to be. Plus, I want to go back into studying and doing that with a baby with probably no true support system would be near impossible. I know that my parents wouldn't want to babysit and I don't want them to have to do it. I think the reasons why is because it would give me a purpose and direction. For some they need that, but I don't want it to be that way. I want to be pregnant because I'm married and thats the next step in the relationship. Sighh. That doesn't stop my head from springing pregnancy thoughts.

Still not talking to Jay. Me and her have had a really big falling out, because I feel that she's just had a constant go at me for doing.. well.. nothing. I'm not even sure we will sort things out. Just have to see, but for right now.. I don't think I want to be friends with someone who's not going to support me when I need it. That's not really a friend at all.

My Mother made a comment the other day about me turning into more of a control freak.. Now when I really think about it, then maybe she does have a point. But I think I'm going that because I can't control me or my own life. so I try and control other things so that I feel that I do have some actual control. That doesn't make it right or an excuse.. It's lead me to think that maybe I should be going on anti-depressions.  Maybe they will help me, I don't really feel any different to what I did last week or the week before. I don't really feel anything. But I don't know if that's because of the depression or if that's because I just don't have anything to have any emotion over. I'm meant to be going out Saturday for a friend-of-a-friend's birthday and I  think every body is going to get drunk. I want to. But I'm worried that if I do, I will just lose control. Alcohol is a natural depressant so why do that when I'm already like that. Or I'm going to text B something stupid and regret it.. Maybe. I guess it's another subject where I'm going to have to see what happens. Siiiiiiiiigh.

Monday, 13 February 2012

Sunday, 12 February 2012

I feel like the one person I was depending on, has massively let me down. And I'm not quite sure how I'm dealing with it .. I just feel so lonely right now. Lonely and sad :(
I woke up this morning feeling really sad. I think its finally taken it's toll on me that I'm not talking to B at the moment and I don't know why. He's just not texting me or replying to my messages. I don't understand it at all. So I'm trying really hard not to text him again, but I'm not going to lie it's breaking my heart a little what he's doing. I know that for the best situation it's going to be to let it go. But that's easier said then done.

Plus on top of that I've had this.. whatever it is with J. That's really upsetting because she should understand my situation, but she's given me absolutely no support whatsoever. Instead she's just raking up all this shit from months ago and then taken it out of context. I don't need that. I feel like any step forwards I have made, I've taken them back. I'm hoping that after taking the dog out later I will feel better. Get some fresh air. Forget about it all and just concentrate on what I'm doing.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

I should really learn. If I text I'm not going to get a reply. Prick.


Friday, 10 February 2012

I think I'm a bit pathetic for saying.. But after I have friends over, my home always seems a little hollow / quiet. :(

Spent a lot of the evening with LC explaining my shit situation and about B. I think they've kind of come to a conclusion that we're pretty much in a relationship - when we're not. They think I need to make a decision about it.. So I'm trying to not talk to him. I've text him once which was Wednesday but that's it. He's not text me at all. I wonder if he would ever read this, I wonder what it makes him feel if he did. He must care about me right? To look after me & for me to stay at his. The idea of letting him go makes me panic, because he's my security blanket. Which he shouldn't be, but that's the way it is. He's probably getting drunk right now with his friends and something I thought I might have been invited too.. But I haven't but that's fine because he knew I was going out tonight. For the first time. In months.

Going out on the town next weekend. I want to get SMASHED. SO much so that I can't stand up properly. Why? Because I have seriously no self-respect anymore & it means I don't think. Bonus. Might as well turn into the stereotype of a British young-adult.

Thursday, 9 February 2012

Cuddle please :(


After googling it.. It really does make me feel less.. Alone. It's in someway a comfort to know that I'm not the only one to feel that way. I really find it hard to say that I'm feeling lonely. Because it's one of those awful feelings that can stay and fester. It's also something that no-one can really do anything about. Another part of me, the real critique of myself would say that it shows how much of a loser I am. That only 'losers' like me, feel such loneliness. You don't see anyone who isn't a loser as lonely.

It's the most ridiculous thing to feel but I think that's why I have such issues with saying I feel lonely. It's a pride thing. A big fact pride issue. But that's how I'm feeling now: lonely. I feel lonely. So now I'm going to go and read one of my favourite books, which I hope will distract my mind long enough for this feeling to pass.

So I text B after a couple of days of not speaking.. at about half 7pm. It's not 10pm and I've had nothing. It makes me go batshit because it annoys me so much when I don't get a reply. He's clearly read it & ignored it. Or he's read it & gone to bed. I know he's working all these days so I know for sure he's in bed now. But it doesn't take long to reply to a message. & you know what.. It annoys me because it ANNOYS me. It shouldn't annoy me and I shouldn't have text him because I've caved first and now I'm bothered.

Fuck. & that other guy hasn't replied to me. NOT FUN. Just makes me feel a bit panicky really.. not having him there. I don't even really know why it makes me feel SO panicky. I just want a hug... from him. I just want some comfort. Shit. OH just shit.

It's because I'm feeling lonely, that's what it is. I'm bored & lonely. I'm sitting in my room thinking.. "Now what? Now what do I do?" My life shouldn't be like this, I need more than what I'm getting right now. I know that for tomorrow & Saturday night I'll be ok because I'm going out. Tomorrow with LC & then Saturday with some family friends.

My and my 'best'.. well I wouldn't call her that now after what she said to me. She was so rude and low. She's text me twice with random shit but if she thinks I'm replying to her after what she said, without an apology or an acknowledgement she can JOG ON. I do not need to be made to feel any more guilty or shit about myself by the person I count on. If she carries on like this she won't have any friends, because people do not want to be felt like they're being pushed around.

Right at this moment I feel.. really empty. It's such a horrible feeling. Empty and lonely. With no ability to really take my mind of it. I've got nothing to look forward to because I don't really have the money to do anything. I just feel.. Gosh. This empty, heart-achy feeling is just horrid. There's no other explanation. I feel like I've completely lost the person I care about all over again. I had this for ages after L and for a while after B. Maybe I didn't really deal with this emotion and I don't really know how to get over it. Maybe I should google it and see what comes up.

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

So I log onto MSN. He's on msn. 5 minutes later.. he signs off msn. Oversensitive? Just a coincidence? Avoidance? IDON'TKNOW. All I know is that I haven't spoken to him since Monday night and it is now Wednesday night. I don't know what I should make of this, I probably shouldn't make anything of it. But you know what.. I can't help it. I'm trying really hard now to let it all go and move away. Because I know my mental health has to come first and breaking away from him is a good start. He has become my safety net which is always going to be an issue because he's not someone I can 100% depend on. But at least I can see the situation for what it is. Trouble is, I kind of fancy this other guy that I've been talking to on a online dating website. He seems cute & adorable.. He's on the same wave length as me. I really don't want the two over lap. I want to be honest and up front. But I'm not sure if anything will happen with this other guy. Just a few emails over the last couple of days. Neither of us has suggested meeting up and I don't really want to. I don't want to deal with the stress of meeting up with this guy and wondering if he's going to find my body attractive or not. Even though I've stated my body type is a 'couple of extra pounds'... Make that 14 extra pounds. Ooops.

So anyway. I spoke to the lady from Health in Mind today. She was really lovely and helpful. She's going to be looking after me until I'm better and can deal with the situation a lot more. I suffer from a high level of depression and a moderate level of anxiety.. I never really thought I suffered from anxiety, but now looking at the situation I can see that.

But its all good because I now know what I'm dealing with and how I can go about it. I've got a sort of direction which I didn't have before. So I can take baby steps. The first thing I need to do is to create a goal. For it to be very particular. My goal is thus: To go on Just Dance3 between 2 & half 2 mon-fri. It's not anything massive. It's do-able. Fun. Enjoyable. It will make me feel better because it's exercise. A positive step. Thing is I find if I have to do something I generally don't want to do it. Then it doesn't last very long. I don't understand why I rebuff this sort of stuff so often. But it's the main reason why I was never able to keep up the gym or any sort or routine. I just go : 'I don't wannaaa' or 'I cant be arseddd'. That or I'm pure lazy. Either or.

I'm just going to take it a day at a time and see how it goes. Baby steps & all.
I wonder/.. when do you start crossing lines. When the behaviour you act is un-acceptable & that there is no excuse of that behaviour. Because I swear she has crossed that line. Massively. Two low blows to me and my character. Why? Because she's throwing a tantrum and because she's not getting her way. She spoke of things that she doesn't understand about as well. Just a joke.

Swear if things carry on I won't want to be friends with her anymore. FAIL.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

I think I'm falling back in love with you. You probably didn't even realise.. Fuck I didn't until now. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm going to somehow have to forget about you.

But I reallly dont want to lose your smell on my clothes or forget the way it feels when I cuddle you. I jus want it to be us again so i canfeel secure. I know that even though im happy bring with you, I'm not when I'm a way. I feel like I annoy you when in with you and I feel like we act like a couple... Arguments too and I know you don't want that.

I really wish I could be what you want and that we could do this.


That's what I'd say to him it I could. But the other weird thing is? I kind of fancy this other guy and I want to see where that goes.

Another problem? I had a chance to go and have casual sex and I couldn't why? Because it felt like I was chewing in him. I can go on in this limbo land, but doing that means I have to give him up and I don't want to.


Monday, 6 February 2012


I love you & your kid. But sometimes I really don't want to hear about her. It bores me and I generally have nothing to say about it.

I can still smell you on my clothes. & it makes me feel good.

This is really bad news for my heart. Going to end up getting heart-broken again. By the same guy. Can just see it coming a mile off. I just know my friends are going to say the same. Seeing as they all know I was with him this weekend. So much for it keeping it on the down-low. FOOL.
So I spent the whole weekend at B's after a huge massive argument with my mother. I enjoyed my time there far too much.

If I'm not careful I may fall in love with him again. & I know he doesn't love me anymore. Shit.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

I'd love if you just turned up at my door. But I bet you won't. Of course you won't, because you don't give a shit about me or seeing me.


Isn't it funny how my blog is so miserable.. But my display is.. pretty & happish. Hmm.

Why do I keep going back? Why? I really do not know anymore. I say to him we could do something tonight, maybe. He's been texting me every 2 minutes before this point and then doesn't reply. I'm sorry.. but WHAT?! That's just a blatant ignorance of that text message & guess what.. he's in my town tonight as well to pick up his new bike. I don't know why it's so hard for someone to say: I can't tonight. Sorry.

It's not hard is it?! It makes me feel shit. It makes me angry and frustrated. It makes me feel worthless. Did I really just say that this was the only person that made me feel happy? Maybe he's the only person that makes me feel anything: but that doesn't mean what I'm feeling right now is happy. I think I'm acting like his girlfriend, but I think I'd be just as pissed of it one of my girl friends did that to me. I've not spoken to LC today. Don't really know if I'm going to speak to anyone.

I've told... 4 people about my depression. BLCV. Only one has helped me. No one asks how I am. No one asks if I'm alright.. how I'm feeling. I don't feel anything apart from annoyance right now. Nothing.

I just want to get drunk and pass out, so I don't have to deal with anything or how I'm feeling. Which is not the right way to deal with it. But was it? I don't know. I feel utterly useless. I feel worthless.

B has just text me saying: I'm really sorry I fell asleep. But I guess that just shows worthless I am doesn't it. He even falls asleep during fore-play. I'm just boring. Worthless. So worthless. I can't tell anyone how I really feel.. Because what's the point. I bet they think I'm just doing it for attention, that I'm doing it because.. I'm pathetic. I bet people go: "what does she have to be miserable for?". Even if I start to tell people I feel guilty for putting that onto one. That responsibilty. Because sometimes I do wonder if it's my life they will hold.

I just want one person to make me feel that I'm not just like all the rest. I want one person to take a risk on me. You know, I think most of this depression would go if I simply got a new job. If I got the job I've applied for today... Because then I'd know that I was worth it.. That I was worth that risk.

The job I've applied for is a school secretary. It's in this cutest little place and its  primary school so the kids at least look adorable. I think I'd love it. It'd teach me new things and it'd be different every day. It'd give me a reason to get up in the morning.. It'd be something that would be perfect in every way to be honest. I would love it. & ya know, if I didn't get to be what I want to be. That would be the perfect job for me at the time.

I just hate how miserable I am. But mostly I hate how much I depend on other people.. I feel so impossible. Like, I can't seem to function on my own.. I need constant acceptance.. I need constant feeling of being wanted for me. Because they want to spend time with me.. Not because they haven't got anybody else or because they feel sorry for me. But just for who I am. Because Im fun and exciting. But I'm not. I'd rather sit at home and snuggle of the sofa than go out. But I think I'm changing.. I want change. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I want to go out and party and drink. Because at least then I can forget. Forget. What do I want to forget though? The disappointment I am to my family at the moment. The disappointment in the shit mark I got on my degree. The fact I got rejected from job after job & then my PS was shit so I didn't get on the course I wanted. I'm just a some kid who got a degree but can't get a job. People say to me what do you want to do & I tell them. They're like. YEAH you go for it. That's cool and all.. but only if I get on it. I don' know. I don't even know if I'm good enough. Probably not.

I've defiantly learnt that I love learning. That university and sixth form was places I enjoyed being. Just got stressed over it because of exams and marks. But that's the reality of the situation.

I've not text B back. Not sure when I will. I hope he sweats it out because he knows that he's upset me. WHY DO I CARE THOUGH. FML.

I don't even want to sound like a miserable cow either. I really want to be one of those girls who has lots of friends and goes out every couple of weeks. Meets loads of guys & just seems happy. I wish I was happy. I wish I was at least I happy or content person. Not even either of those. I think I'm an aggressive and frustrating person. Depending on the day depends on if I see the cup half empty or fall.  Looking back at what I've just written just looks like a massive ramble, which I guess it is. It's gotten some of the crap off my chest and I kind of feel a bit better.

I guess this is a good idea.

I wonder if I were to disappear, how many people would notice. Because I don't even know right now.

I got some fucking idiotic text from B saying "Have you found anyone else yet".. In stupid 'chav' text. & apparently it wasn't him, which makes me wonder what he's been saying & why I've been sent this stupid text.

My stomach turned & my heart dropped because I thought at first it was him & he was going to tell me he had found some-one else.


I contemplated over-dosing on my anti-biotics last night. I'm getting worse.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Hate-people day.


I go through days where I generally can't stand people. My friends included.