Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Couch to 5k - week 1.

So I'm back on the gym craze.  Been four times this week since Sunday. I've started a new regime.  NHS couch to 5k. So far I've been twice, with a swim the following day.

The first time was a little tough, I haven't ran in the longest time. The first week consists of 5minute walk up, followed by a 60 second run & then a 90 minute walk. This alternates for 8 times and then finishes for another 5minute walk for a cool down. The treadmill I use at the gym says that if I walk an additional 5 minutes then the whole cardio session means I burn 200 kcals. Tbh, this time round I'm not concentrating on the calorie counting. Just trying to eat as healthy as I can. My lunch today consisted of a new york bagel, low fat cottage cheese and some salad - it was DELISH. The cheese, which I was sort of cutting out of my diet is actually really good for protein. Which in turn, is really good for building muscle. The second time was a LOT easier. I have yet to do number 3, which is either going to be tonight or sunday day.

You only need to this 3 times a week before moving onto the next one. But, if I manage to hit the gym tonight that I may do number 4 on Saturday if I get time.

Will then be moving onto week 2 on Sunday. I've got a really good mental attitude about this, I really feel that this can get me to where my goal is. (Lose a dress size by August.)

I'm not bothered about how much I weigh anymore, I personally feel that this can be the most un-motivating and uninspiring way of doing it. I know that when I did this before, I didn't lose any weight, but I have clear muscle definition in my arms and legs which I never had before. So clearly, although I'd not lost any weight, I'd lost fat. Also, by measuring myself I saw that I'd managed to lose an inch & an half around my waist. However, with this training regime and with incorporating weights into it as well I will get a nicer & healthier body shape.

Hand in hand by confidence would grow. & maybe I can get myself a bikini. For the first time in my LIFE. WISH ME LUCK.

Thursday, 4 April 2013


My dad had his op Wednesday just gone. Really weird that he was out of the house for nearly a week. Very strange... I kind of pretended it didn't really happen and I think I'm still maintaining that. Sort of. I think it's really hitting home what happened, I mean.. I think I always ignore the situations and then feel that shit after it's all calmed down. He's back and he only needed to show me the bandage on his thigh where his skin graft was and I just cringed from head to toe. I just can not cope with the idea that it really happened.

Thing is, I didn't go to the hospital because I was at work and because it was in London - not our local hospital. I never saw him on the ward, never say the surgeon or the staff. So it my eyes, I guess it never really occurred. It was like he was on a little holiday and that was ok. But god, seeing him in pain at home just makes me feel sick. It really did happen. & now I feel, angry. So ANGRY. I think this is my default emotion because I get so frustrated with not being able to do anything. So, I get frustrated and then life just gets in the way and I just boil and KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. I know maybe I should be some sophisticated, charming, lady. But I'm so not. I'm really not. I'm common, foul mouth individual who would rather say how it is than glamour it all up. Because ultimately this shit is not good and although the disease my Dad had was a slow burner, it could have (if he had left it), killed him. It's scary to think that had it been left, that that would have been the outcome. In a week or so we find out if he's cured. It does sound positive. The surgeon said that they were able to remove the whole tumour, which is great news. But I don't know. I just feel so angry about the whole thing. Maybe because if I let myself be too real with it all, I may lose it. I may lose complete control and then maybe I'd stop. Being angry keeps me going because that's my motiviation. That's my fuel for fire.

It's seeping into my work life. Because I find that I work with complete and utter idiots who can't seem to help themselves. Nurses opening their mouths and giving suggestions that not only make it unnecessarily complicated for the patient/patient's relatives but for us too. I had to have quite an uncomfortable conversation with a patient's son because they wanted a nursing home that the CCG do not pay for. He wouldn't really take no nor would listen to what I was saying. It just makes the whole situation a nightmare. But I'm just fed up and frustrated. Today I was just pissed off from start to finish. The end because I was bored. The beginning because of other people. I don't know, maybe they are just insanely inappropriate or it may be because my emotions of other things are seeping into it. More than likely..

I constantly feel like my chest is heavy, like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders. That I'm constantly failing at what I should be doing or not doing a good enough job. The other day, I just felt completely numb. Just didn't really feel anything, just wanted to be on my own and go to sleep. I'm not going to be a midwife, so now I have to rethink my plan of action. My life just seems to be a bit on hold at the moment and to be honest, I just can not be arsed with anything. I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I have hours/days where I'm chatty, happy to speak to people and see them. But the majority of the time I just want to be on my own or with my boyfriend. I've spent so much time in my room lately. I have a strong suspicion that when I go see my doctor a week on Saturday that she's going to diagnose me with depression again. I really don't know what I want to do. Because this time round, I'm just tired. Physically drained and I just want to be able to get on with life and enjoy it. Frankly just wanting to see/do anything would be a lovely change. Again, sometimes this changes. Sometimes I do just want to go to the gym and do things. I said I never wanted to be on anti-depressants because I don't think that deals with the problem at hand. But this time, I really don't know what to say and I just want to be able to do things and not finish work at half 4 and feel like I need to sleep because I'm exhausted. So now I'm going to have to swallow my words and may have to go on them for a while. Maybe that will help me get out of this tail spin situation.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

It Pours.

Do you know what I've really noticed? That life likes to challenge you. Push you to your limits and see if you can cope. Last year, I struggled because of the decisions I personally had to make and deal with. Moving on from my ex and not letting him use me anymore. Being unemployed. Dealing with depression. And of course, that other thing which happened in the summer. Somethings I dealt with ok, somethings better & some things worse. But I really think I've grown as a person because of it.

Now, this year. Life is throwing things at me that I can't do anything about. I can't work hard and change anything, because the power is not in my hands. It's incredible frustrating and ultimately makes me feel powerless. I hate waiting for answers and for other things to sort themselves out. I can guarantee this year has helped me with my patience. It started off so well, but then it's just got ridiculous.

It all started because my aunty (not by blood, but she might as well be), had to have a knee replacement. But it didn't go down very well. Que. a very naive 23 year old walking onto a hospital ward, to find her completed knocked out with a horrible oxygen mask across her face. I can't COPE with masks, they creep me out on every level. Anyway, things weren't going great and it came at the wrong time, as the hospital had been announced as one of those that were under investigation due to its high mortality rates. panic. panic. But thankfully, over a month later she's still recovering - after getting an infection. Honestly, my aunty gets so many things wrong with her. Sometimes it's a miracle that she is alive.

This was then quickly followed by two massive stresses upon my life. Home & Work.  In the same day I found out that at work it was just going to be me & my colleague, just us two, left to run a whole department and I would be having to cope with it on my own for a few days. To then return home to discover my Dad's got cancer. ON THE SAME DAY. How I did not just crash and burn is beyond me, but there we go. As it goes, I think work wise, it's really helped me improve. I am more involved and more aware of what's going on. I stepped up and so did my colleague and we did amazing. We're so on top of everything, more than I think we've ever been since I started working there. We don't know how long this will last and what the reaction will be when our 3rd member returns. But hopefully, it won't be too crazy.

My Dad's cancer. Wow. Deep breath. It still hits me like a train every time I think about it. The thing is, my Dad never gets ill. Ever. I've always been so annoyed at him for the fact that I get ill every 5 seconds and he just doesn't. This is almost like all illness's coming at once. He's got a very rare cancer. Only 500 men a year get diagnosed with it. We're lucky that it got spotted so early, that it got fast tracked & that the hospital that deals with these sorts of cases is only an hour on the train. He's got an operation on the 27th March 2013. He will be in for a minimum of 5 days, bed bound for the first two. He will need the tumour to be removed and then a skin graft to make up for it. Depending on if they remove all the tumour then he may/may not need another operation. He will be off work for two weeks. There we go, that's the facts. He's going to one of the best places in the whole world for this time of cancer. But, I just.. I can't deal with the fact that my Dad has got bloody cancer. I was able to be helpful and was able to organise his transport back from the Hospital to home as he won't be able to get public transport. The waiting to find out how serious this is and waiting to find out when his operation was to be, has been a huge weight on my shoulders. He had a UTI and had to have antibiotics as well as having a high blood pressure, which he also had to take tablets for. He's not allowed to get sick. I will be more okay with this when the operation is done and he is back home. Now that we have the operation date, it makes it all easier to deal with really.

My brother came back more into my life. We found out that he tired to commit suicide a few months back - this just makes me weep. If he had actually done it, we would have never known. Also found out recently that my great uncle is quite ill and a relative on my Dad's side was in the Hospice for symptom control. If it rains it bloody pours.

As well as all of this, I've still waiting to find out if I've got in to be a midwife. I should be finding out any day, its dragging. I just want to find out. I'm fed up on waiting.

But I guess, this will all teach me something in the long run. Let's just hope, that good things come to those that wait.

Friday, 8 March 2013


Why are boys so frustrating? Seriously. You make plans and then suddenly another option is open and the original plan is not confirmed any longer. I literally hate not being able to plan things ahead or have a plan of action. I need a direction to move, to work for. It's just something I've always done since I was at college. It makes me feel secure and I don't know, safe. Because I always know where I'm heading. 

My life is seriously undergoing some crazy shit right now & this had led to the possibility of my boyfriend moving in with me and my family. We did go and look at places within my local town and we could just about afford it. But he wants to move about 40 minutes away into a city so that he can work on his carer. Something, that I would not be able to afford. So the best option seems to be that if he moves in with me then we can both work on our carers (if I HOPEFULLY get into my midwifery course). It also means that we both safe quite a lot of money and would give us the option to save for a mortgage or have the chance to go on holiday or buy a new car. Whatever. But now I'm not sure if it's even going to happen, it's BUGS me. I swear to God, I hate that fact that this is so wishy-washy. Men are never able to commit. The main thing that is putting everything up in the air is the fact that he doesn't drive, but that was his choice. He's now trying to learn how to drive within a few months so that he can move out when we both can get the time off work. Time is limited because his sister is pregnant and is due May and he wants to be out before then. 

I feel out of control and I feel, I don't know, that it makes me anxious. I don't know. Hopefully it will get sorted. 

Thursday, 28 February 2013


Life has been a bloody roller-coaster ride. This needs a proper explanation but right mow I'm on my ipod and I need to say something quick and small to off load.

Couple weeks ago we found out my Dad has cancer. Low risk, will be having an operation in London to hopefully remove the tumour. Just watched tv and a girl lost her mum due to cancer and its just hit me. We are so lucky that it has been caught so early one. But man, what a fucking hit in the teeth that is.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Weight loss Wednesday on a thursday

First post in probably two weeks. My laptop has been dead and I've hardly been home to sort that out. In other words, I couldn't be bothered to sort it out. So I had a brain wave whilst I was at work. I could write a post on my iPod and then post it when I get home. Work isn't particularly busy at the moment and I'm only doing this when I have the free time i.e lunch. Anyway, this is a post about mu continuing story with my weight lost or lack thereof.

I haven't been to the gym as much of the last couple of weeks. Last week I was just exhausted and slept most of the time - 100% down to hormones. When I weighed myself I had gone back up what I had lost. Was not happy. Then Friday just gone Id lost a pound again. Its better than nothing I suppose, but it can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you're doing most of the right things and seeing no results. This is usually the time I give up, but I'm trying to resist old habits.

I went to the gym Sunday just gone and basically did EVERYTHING. Weights, crunches and 35 minutes on the cross trainer. I haven't been since as I've been working late and I just find it a little scary going to the gym at night. When I say scary, I mean intimidating. I almost want to give up, but I'm going today after work.

Plus, I went to the chiropractors yesterday and she asked me if I had lost weight!! I almost got up and did a party dance there and then, but somehow resisted. The fact that someone has actually noticed a difference means its working and I can honestly say that my clothes feel loser. I really just hope that I will see results when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Fingers crossed!

Monday, 28 January 2013

MAC Studio Sculpt Foundation

MAC Studio Sculpt SPF 15 Foundation. To be found here.

When I went to the MAC desk, I stated that I wanted to look natural, to look like I haven't got any/much make up on. I'm just not a fan of looking plastic / orange and so on and so forth. I also didn't want to look shiny. This when the lady picked up this; Mac studio sculpt. Although it's a quite small for the price (£24) it has actually lasted a very long time..I've probably had this nearly 4/5 months, although I don't use it every day. You don't actually need much of this, the smallest amount will cover quite a lot of your face and it lasts all day. It leaves my skin looking natural and healthy, but covers evenly. I've always struggled with finding a foundation that I can work with, flicking between many different brands. This is one, that I have stayed with for a while and has been the best so far. Although at the price, I'm sure I will try to find a cheaper but just as good version.

Have you tried this? What other brands have you tried?