Friday, 30 March 2012

Feeling so very nervous about tonight. Granted it's only 2 friiiiiiiiiends meeting up and yet I can't help but feel its more than just friends meeting up. Maybe. I don't know. Even so, I'm mentally gearing myself up to it and have got a check list of all the things I need to do before I go. So. Really, this is more than just two friends meeting up. Well, for me anyway. Damnit. I hate feeling so vulnerable and not knowing if this is completely one sided or not.

In someways I don't even want to do this. Be like this. I think it's because I'm hormonal and don't really know how to feel about anything because I can't control those emotions. I don't know, this situation has RUNAWAY written all over it. If I can just go in with a friendly attitude than I can't lose = WIN. *cough*

Monday, 26 March 2012

I am exhausted. I really feel emotionally and physically drained. I feel like today I have crashed landed out of whatever happiness I was in. I have officially been given the all clear from the depression, but now I've just got to deal with the anxiety. A job would seriously help with that.

A job would do wonders for me not just financially, but also in giving me a sense of fulfilment and purpose. I would have something to get up for and get something in return. I'm doing some volunteering back at the hospital in Admin in hope that it will better my chances. It's only one morning a week but it's a start and hopefully, if it goes well I can pick up another day. Anything so that I'm not stuck with the constant boredom of home life. It's not fun sitting on a Monday afternoon in the job centre waiting to just sign a bit of paper to say that I've looked for work, it's demeaning and belittling. At least for me anyway. I hate the idea that I have to ask for help, especially fiancially. I have never really asked for anything in life.. Not out right anyway. But now that I've had to, although it's a massive weight off my shoulders it just does not sit well with me. It's defiantly a struggle every day to make sure that I keep the balance of money and money going out. I need to make sure that I keep enough money in so that I'm good for October & enough to socialise with. I'm lucky in the sense that I only have to pay £45 a month in bills.. But I'm meant to pay at least £250 to my parents alone, plus my phone bill, petrol & if I could, gym membership. It's a nightmare. But that's the situation as it stands and I've sort of accepted it. In some ways in the last 2 weeks I've enjoyed my free time. Going out to the beach when I can because I love the beach, it is by far my most favourite place in the whole world. The sun has been shining, it's just lovely.

The biggest impact in my life the last couple of weeks would be the introduction of a new potential guy in my life. Jay (not his actual name.) He is the loveliest guy I have ever come across, he's sweet, caring, funny, flirty and I think, pretty gorgeous too. He's a friend of a friend.. The situation that I wanted to be. We've been texting every day for the last.. 10 days. Not a long time, but enough for some one to make an inpact. We meet on a night out and we've planned to meet up again on Friday. I really do not try and think about it, because I'm pretty terrified about it all. It's the insecurity of the whole thing, because although we get on really well.. It's still got to count of a physical level too. Something I am not comfortable at all - but that is the situation. I can count 3 negatives about the whole thing:
1 - He lives in the town my ex does. A place where every one knows every one. & in fact Jay does know B. Frickin A.
2 - He smokes. I hate smoking, so I don't know if I can deal kissing an ash tray. But I'm not going to let that put me off because it's a tiny thing amongst many good points.
3 - he doesn't drive. HELLA situation. Because that means because I drive I'm going to have to make most of the trips, been there. Done that. Not an easy situation, because I get the pressure. But if he's as lovely as he seems I think he would be worth it.

I'm just going to see by Friday what the situation is, I've already told him about B in so far as he knows him. When we dated and so on. But not what happened, how it happened, the shit, the "friends with benefits". Just god no. I'm also concerned with telling him that for the last 3 months I've had depression, but you know, it's cool cause I don't have it anymore. Fun convo to have. But that's that. I don't have to cross that bridge for a long time now - might not even have to do it. But he's lovely and he makes me giggle. I got butterflies when he text me yesterday - then I know he's thinking about me.

I think I just feel really deflated because my cycle is been going crap. Coming off the mini-pill might not have been the brightest idea but I felt that I needed to.. As soon as that sorts itself out hopefully I'll go back to feeling more myself & happy :)

Friday, 16 March 2012

I know what I want.. I want love. That sort of happy love where you act like kids and hold hands. Yeah that is what I want now, defiantly. Maybe I need time to let go off B before I could decide that. Because doing so meant that I wanted something away from him, as he wouldn't give that to me. Now I just want some one to come along and for us to be together and be happy. Nothing serious as engagement, just to love each other. Especially in the summer. That Wouk be glorious.

A girl can wish though.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Another new week. Hopefully going to be a good week. I'm pretty busy most of the week: going out for dinner twice. Once with my family and another with C, L & A. So it's going to be fun.

With regards to the depression I defiantly feel that that dark cloud has lifted. Completely this time. I think now it's just a case of hoping that a job comes my way. I don't feel I have anything massively to stress about now. I'm on JSA now, I don't feel so miserable.

A really important thing is that I'm not having to deal with the whole thing about B. It makes me feel sad and it make same want to cry a bit still, but I don't have that ache anymore, I don't have that loneliness anymore. I feel that i've moved on with it all. Ready to move on with it all, find someone else or not. Because that's ok too. I feel that it's going to get better and I'm ok being on my own. I want to be ok on my own now.  The only thing I need to do now is get over my craving for fast & fatty food and I'm sorted.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Sighh. I have this really strong urge to talk to B. I don't know why I get them or what spark them - I guess I just miss him. Someone mentioned paranormal activity today and I had such a strong image of two years of me, b, j and k all sitting at b's for his birthday watching it the night before the sky dive that never happened. The image is so strong its like it happened a week ago not 2 years ago. Also stumbled across messages between b and me saying : I love you etc. it doesn't even feel like me. It's like reading two strangers having a conversation. I wish I could just forget about him and let it go. Now. Not in a few weeks or whatever.

Thing is, I know he's not missing me or wanting me so why do I wait around for him? It's his birthday at the end of the month. And it'd be a year since we broke up as well. I think it's going to be a difficult month but I'm thinking hat once this month is out of the way it'll be over. I hope. Just can't believe that in some ways I'm going to be on the same position last year this year over the same guy. Silly me. But at least I've learnt some things. Friends with benefits with an ex just doesn't work.


Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Rejected. Rejection. I'm fed up of being rejected from jobs, what is it going to take for someone to give me a chance?! I just want a nice part time job with my two lots of volunteering - if possible. So that I would earn enough to pay my way, set money aside & be able to do what I want. With the volunteering on the side gives me the chance to become a great midwife. Why is this so hard?! Why does it have to be a constant struggle ALL the time?! This is such an utter shit time to be unemployed and I hate it so much. I can not be arsed with dealing with it anymore. I almost want to give up - but I know that I need to keep going. I'm so exhausted with everything at this moment - with life, looking for work, with my heart.

I keep saying the same thing over and over. But I never seem to get anywhere with ANYTHING. It's just so hard right now. I feel like I'm so stuck in this same place and no one thinks I'm good enough to take a chance with. Rejection is hard to deal with, it really is. I'm just so fed up now. Fed up of feeling stressed. Fed up of feeling rejected. Fed up of not feeling good enough. Fed up of not feeling content in life.

Some one, please: give me a chance.
I feel massively frustrated right now with money. I absolutely HATE money and nothing can frustrate me more. Whether its the lack of it or wanting it.. Just hate it, plus how much the not having it affects people. I'm literally scraping the barrel right now with the amount of money I have left over. I can't even afford to give my parents anything, it's a joke. I don't even know when I'm get JSA to cover my arse. The most frustrating part is that I can't get anything I want or save for my future. Say I get £200 for a month. There's £40 gone for dance classes for the month. Another £20 gone for October.. Plus £75-£100 towards my parents. That leaves me with £40 a month for stuff. Whether that be going out for dinner with my girls or whatever. £40 for a month. That's £10 a week. I guess in some whats that ok, because I don't do anything to spend any money. But, it means it's always got to be tight. I could even go, right, I'm not doing anything for a month and join the gym. I don't even know if i'm going to have enough to cover October.

If october is 7 months away and I save £20 a month towards that.. That gives me £140. That will just cover the fucking hotel bill & maybe travel. Not even the ticket. I have £50 saved atm, plus another £50 next month. Hopefully another £50 this month. So at least that's the ticket all paid for. Although maybe it would just be better getting the cheaper ticket - ER NO. This is a once-in-awhile thing. This wouldn't be an issue if I had a job. Jeez. Some-one PLEASE, give me a job.

Monday, 5 March 2012

A couple of days off my routine and I'm starting to feel crap. I'm really starting to miss B. I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday when he randomly appeared outside my house. I'm trying not to cave into texting him because no doubt if he doesn't reply I'll be getting stroppy about it and then I'll just be back to the beginning. At least with this I can only forget things and move forward. The other guy that I liked S, well I think that's a no go. This is the 3rd time he hasn't replied to my message so, unless I get very drunk on Saturday and text him then I don't think I will be hearing from him again. I think I just give up on men. I just give up and I think that this is the best way to be. Not caring about having someone means that I can be ok on my own. Being single. The only downside to being single is the fact that I get a bit lonely. Ok, right now, a lot lonely. I've felt lonely all day today when I've stopped. I think, that this is because of the fact it's a week tomorrow since I spoke to him. But it's time to nip this addiction in the bud. I don't feel control, I don't feel that I have my self control when I feel as pants at this.

I know that in time this feeling will go because I will forget about him. Right now I'm concentrating on me and my life and making my career possible. Daddio's sending of my application form to volunteer at the women's refugee and I've made contact with another place. Hopefully these will all better my CV to be a midwife. My dream job. & pay. Just everything about it makes me feel excited. There is no better job for me than to be a midwife. I really pray with every being that I will get accepted into the course this year. Then I will literally have the count down to my start date which will be September '2013. Which if I can convince myself enough, is not that far away. Nope, not at all. Only a month and half. But who's counting?

I just hope that doing this volunteering will mean that I get the experience of dealing with parents/children that others won't. Plus I can always do some more at the hospital if need be. I'm just trying to keep my head away from thinking about B. Because then, then maybe it won't be so bad. Not that it's as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago - no not at all. I feel like those weeks where months ago. I feel like that horrible cloud has lifted now. But my anxiety is worse for it. I'm trying really hard not to break the roles and even something as small as that makes me worry.

As much as I want a job I really want to volunteer to get that experience under my belt. Hopefully I can do some on a Saturday or an evening if I do. I just guess I have to see how everything goes. As per.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Just applied for JSA. Well this does wonders for my confidence. Done it after a big argument with my mum. Really not sure if i will get it considering I have some money in savings.. Which I had out there for when I move or get married. So not a clue if I will. But at least my mum can get off my fuxking back about it.

However after that crash I got a few boosts as a few people I know said by they thought id be a good and trustworthy midwife. This makes me happy as hell considering two of them have had babies and know what it's like. I just really hope that the university will see it that way when I go to reapply! God I miss studying :(