It Pours.

Do you know what I've really noticed? That life likes to challenge you. Push you to your limits and see if you can cope. Last year, I struggled because of the decisions I personally had to make and deal with. Moving on from my ex and not letting him use me anymore. Being unemployed. Dealing with depression. And of course, that other thing which happened in the summer. Somethings I dealt with ok, somethings better & some things worse. But I really think I've grown as a person because of it.

Now, this year. Life is throwing things at me that I can't do anything about. I can't work hard and change anything, because the power is not in my hands. It's incredible frustrating and ultimately makes me feel powerless. I hate waiting for answers and for other things to sort themselves out. I can guarantee this year has helped me with my patience. It started off so well, but then it's just got ridiculous.

It all started because my aunty (not by blood, but she might as well be), had to have a knee replacement. But it didn't go down very well. Que. a very naive 23 year old walking onto a hospital ward, to find her completed knocked out with a horrible oxygen mask across her face. I can't COPE with masks, they creep me out on every level. Anyway, things weren't going great and it came at the wrong time, as the hospital had been announced as one of those that were under investigation due to its high mortality rates. panic. panic. But thankfully, over a month later she's still recovering - after getting an infection. Honestly, my aunty gets so many things wrong with her. Sometimes it's a miracle that she is alive.

This was then quickly followed by two massive stresses upon my life. Home & Work.  In the same day I found out that at work it was just going to be me & my colleague, just us two, left to run a whole department and I would be having to cope with it on my own for a few days. To then return home to discover my Dad's got cancer. ON THE SAME DAY. How I did not just crash and burn is beyond me, but there we go. As it goes, I think work wise, it's really helped me improve. I am more involved and more aware of what's going on. I stepped up and so did my colleague and we did amazing. We're so on top of everything, more than I think we've ever been since I started working there. We don't know how long this will last and what the reaction will be when our 3rd member returns. But hopefully, it won't be too crazy.

My Dad's cancer. Wow. Deep breath. It still hits me like a train every time I think about it. The thing is, my Dad never gets ill. Ever. I've always been so annoyed at him for the fact that I get ill every 5 seconds and he just doesn't. This is almost like all illness's coming at once. He's got a very rare cancer. Only 500 men a year get diagnosed with it. We're lucky that it got spotted so early, that it got fast tracked & that the hospital that deals with these sorts of cases is only an hour on the train. He's got an operation on the 27th March 2013. He will be in for a minimum of 5 days, bed bound for the first two. He will need the tumour to be removed and then a skin graft to make up for it. Depending on if they remove all the tumour then he may/may not need another operation. He will be off work for two weeks. There we go, that's the facts. He's going to one of the best places in the whole world for this time of cancer. But, I just.. I can't deal with the fact that my Dad has got bloody cancer. I was able to be helpful and was able to organise his transport back from the Hospital to home as he won't be able to get public transport. The waiting to find out how serious this is and waiting to find out when his operation was to be, has been a huge weight on my shoulders. He had a UTI and had to have antibiotics as well as having a high blood pressure, which he also had to take tablets for. He's not allowed to get sick. I will be more okay with this when the operation is done and he is back home. Now that we have the operation date, it makes it all easier to deal with really.

My brother came back more into my life. We found out that he tired to commit suicide a few months back - this just makes me weep. If he had actually done it, we would have never known. Also found out recently that my great uncle is quite ill and a relative on my Dad's side was in the Hospice for symptom control. If it rains it bloody pours.

As well as all of this, I've still waiting to find out if I've got in to be a midwife. I should be finding out any day, its dragging. I just want to find out. I'm fed up on waiting.

But I guess, this will all teach me something in the long run. Let's just hope, that good things come to those that wait.

GAH.

Why are boys so frustrating? Seriously. You make plans and then suddenly another option is open and the original plan is not confirmed any longer. I literally hate not being able to plan things ahead or have a plan of action. I need a direction to move, to work for. It's just something I've always done since I was at college. It makes me feel secure and I don't know, safe. Because I always know where I'm heading. 

My life is seriously undergoing some crazy shit right now & this had led to the possibility of my boyfriend moving in with me and my family. We did go and look at places within my local town and we could just about afford it. But he wants to move about 40 minutes away into a city so that he can work on his carer. Something, that I would not be able to afford. So the best option seems to be that if he moves in with me then we can both work on our carers (if I HOPEFULLY get into my midwifery course). It also means that we both safe quite a lot of money and would give us the option to save for a mortgage or have the chance to go on holiday or buy a new car. Whatever. But now I'm not sure if it's even going to happen, it's BUGS me. I swear to God, I hate that fact that this is so wishy-washy. Men are never able to commit. The main thing that is putting everything up in the air is the fact that he doesn't drive, but that was his choice. He's now trying to learn how to drive within a few months so that he can move out when we both can get the time off work. Time is limited because his sister is pregnant and is due May and he wants to be out before then. 

I feel out of control and I feel, I don't know, that it makes me anxious. I don't know. Hopefully it will get sorted.