Kaboom

My dad had his op Wednesday just gone. Really weird that he was out of the house for nearly a week. Very strange... I kind of pretended it didn't really happen and I think I'm still maintaining that. Sort of. I think it's really hitting home what happened, I mean.. I think I always ignore the situations and then feel that shit after it's all calmed down. He's back and he only needed to show me the bandage on his thigh where his skin graft was and I just cringed from head to toe. I just can not cope with the idea that it really happened.

Thing is, I didn't go to the hospital because I was at work and because it was in London - not our local hospital. I never saw him on the ward, never say the surgeon or the staff. So it my eyes, I guess it never really occurred. It was like he was on a little holiday and that was ok. But god, seeing him in pain at home just makes me feel sick. It really did happen. & now I feel, angry. So ANGRY. I think this is my default emotion because I get so frustrated with not being able to do anything. So, I get frustrated and then life just gets in the way and I just boil and KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. I know maybe I should be some sophisticated, charming, lady. But I'm so not. I'm really not. I'm common, foul mouth individual who would rather say how it is than glamour it all up. Because ultimately this shit is not good and although the disease my Dad had was a slow burner, it could have (if he had left it), killed him. It's scary to think that had it been left, that that would have been the outcome. In a week or so we find out if he's cured. It does sound positive. The surgeon said that they were able to remove the whole tumour, which is great news. But I don't know. I just feel so angry about the whole thing. Maybe because if I let myself be too real with it all, I may lose it. I may lose complete control and then maybe I'd stop. Being angry keeps me going because that's my motiviation. That's my fuel for fire.

It's seeping into my work life. Because I find that I work with complete and utter idiots who can't seem to help themselves. Nurses opening their mouths and giving suggestions that not only make it unnecessarily complicated for the patient/patient's relatives but for us too. I had to have quite an uncomfortable conversation with a patient's son because they wanted a nursing home that the CCG do not pay for. He wouldn't really take no nor would listen to what I was saying. It just makes the whole situation a nightmare. But I'm just fed up and frustrated. Today I was just pissed off from start to finish. The end because I was bored. The beginning because of other people. I don't know, maybe they are just insanely inappropriate or it may be because my emotions of other things are seeping into it. More than likely..

I constantly feel like my chest is heavy, like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders. That I'm constantly failing at what I should be doing or not doing a good enough job. The other day, I just felt completely numb. Just didn't really feel anything, just wanted to be on my own and go to sleep. I'm not going to be a midwife, so now I have to rethink my plan of action. My life just seems to be a bit on hold at the moment and to be honest, I just can not be arsed with anything. I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I have hours/days where I'm chatty, happy to speak to people and see them. But the majority of the time I just want to be on my own or with my boyfriend. I've spent so much time in my room lately. I have a strong suspicion that when I go see my doctor a week on Saturday that she's going to diagnose me with depression again. I really don't know what I want to do. Because this time round, I'm just tired. Physically drained and I just want to be able to get on with life and enjoy it. Frankly just wanting to see/do anything would be a lovely change. Again, sometimes this changes. Sometimes I do just want to go to the gym and do things. I said I never wanted to be on anti-depressants because I don't think that deals with the problem at hand. But this time, I really don't know what to say and I just want to be able to do things and not finish work at half 4 and feel like I need to sleep because I'm exhausted. So now I'm going to have to swallow my words and may have to go on them for a while. Maybe that will help me get out of this tail spin situation.