I think my biggest issue right now is.. my ex. I wouldn't call it an issue I'd call it a "situation". Because I can deal with the term a lot better.
I don't even know where to begin with this. We started dating in August 2009 and got together seriously a month later. 28th September if I remember correctly. Our relationship was intense from the beginning. Over the christmas period we spent 2 weeks straight together because of the intense snow fall in our area. He lives half an hour away from me and a drive that was just not worth the risk of taking. In all honesty, I don't remember it as a massive chunk. If I really try and remember I have lovely memories of the early times.. But I don't like to remember it. B was a different person that as then as he is now. Just like I am. Looking back at that early stage I don't think I could know what I was letting myself in for. In kind of looks all innocent back at that point. To clarify right now, nothing violent or anything like that ever happened between me and him. But that relationship was extremely.. complex.
Somehow at some point I got very insecure. Incredible insecure.. I think that's because of the devestation that my first ever boyfriend made me feel. But the point was.. I got insecure. I checked his phone, emails, facebook account... Because I was convinced he was going out with other people and they would try it on and I would be left... alone. He never once cheated on me and still to this day claimed he never looked at another girl. But at the time, I wasn't convinced. He had one girl trying to meet up with him clearly after one thing. I found pictures on his external hard-drive for HIS ex from about a year ago.. And it was all just.. not very clear. I think the thing that made it so hard for me in that relationship was he never really let me in & I think in the end I stopped letting HIM in with me. I was waiting for him to leave me or say he'd slept with some-one else. I didn't trust other girls with him & I guess from that I didn't trust him. Actually.. I think the thing that sparked it off was the fact that I'd found emails from his ex & he hadn't told me about them. To his credit from that point on he always told me about anything from her... But that's what ruined my trust for him. It was the fact he never told me information. So I never knew what he was keeping from me.
After a trip away in early March 2011 we split up. I hacked into his emails and found that not even a week after we split up he was trying to sleep with another girl. I was so livid & hurt. I couldn't believe that this was the guy who had waited for 4months to have sex with me because he wanted it to mean something. So I stopped all communication with him. Until some day in July where he messaged me on MSN. A part of me wishes I could go back and never had signed on that day. Because at least now I think I'd be over him and be more clearer headed.
Since that day we said some nice things to each other. But now.. when it's coming up to a nearly a year since we broke up I'm still having sex with him. The weekend just gone I spent the whole weekend with him. Why? Because I have feelings for him & it's the only time I'm not worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing.. Or what I should or shouldn't look like. He takes me worries away, he makes me laugh so much I cry... He makes me ok.. For that short time. It upsets me that he's the only person to do that to me.. Because I'm quite sure he's texting other girls and he's admitted that to me. He had a date.. & although he said he cancelled it for whatever reason, it's not the point.
I went through his phone a while ago and some girl was texting him asking him if he wanted sex with her. I'm still not 100% if he did sleep with her. & I'm too scared of the answer to ask him if he's slept with anyone else since he's been with me. I've even gone to the extent of counting the condoms in his draw to see if they've gone down. But I really have no idea if he's slept with her. & at some point I will ask him. I will.. And I want NOT to care about the answer. But I know I will if I keep going back.
But the thing is.. Even though at times during the day I'm thinking about him & him sleeping with other girls whilst he's with me; worrying that's he going to say today "I've found some-one I want to be with. I can't be with you anymore".. I can't let it go. Because without it I feel so incredibly lonely it scares me. I felt such loneliness after I split up with L for such a long time I just don't know if I can go through with that again. I honestly didn't think that this situation with B would last as long or become as complicated as it has.
I've stopped talking about him to my friends now. Because I don't want to hear what they've got to say. I don't want to feel the pressure of having to stop it because they know it's the right thing to do. But the thing is.. The truth is.. He's like a drug. I go to him & I have great sex & I feel so much better in my skin because he makes me feel attractive and beautiful. But then when I come away I'm so worried that I'm not going to feel that again. It's not right.. God.. It's not right. For me it's not right.
But without it.. I don't know where I would get any sort of happiness from. I'm clinging on to him for my own self-esteem. But I can't see anyone else coming along.