I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have anxieties. Which I really do put down a lot to why I got depression to the extent that I did. Not going to lie, there were several moments when I just wanted to end it all. I didn't feel good enough and I felt that what I did have to offer in general was pretty shitty; so I felt like there wasn't any point in me trying to fix it. However, that has passed some what. I now have a brand new job and also 2 interviews for other jobs on Monday. I think I'm going to cancel one of them, but I would really like to get the hospital job, seeing as I want to be a midwife an all.

Anywayyyyy. Have totally rejoined the gym yesterday. After relaxing in the jacuzzi for about 30 minutes yesterday, today I actually intend to use the gym equipment. & book into a million classes. I really want to lose a stone by the summer. & than 2 by the time I go away in October! YES.

Insecurities.

I've always been a girl to have a low-self esteem & low body confidence; leading to me having a high number of insecurities. Of course a lot of these is because I know i'm not the skinniest girl about, although I'm not the biggest, I am the biggest out of my circle of friends. In 2008 I managed to lose over a stone in weight and completely change my body shape: I really felt the most happiest because I was finally dealing with my body hang ups. Nearly 4 years down the line, I've managed to somehow keep that body shape and only put on half a stone since. Not the best, but not the worst either. Of course when it comes to boys my body issues have always been a problem; getting attention, keeping attention and having the attention. I've always put a lot of my problems down to my weight, whether that be the case or not.

Over the last 4/5 weeks I've been taking Jay. I've actually met up with him twice; the last time being on Monday when we went to the beach. I swear I think he might have kissed me, but I quickly went in for a hug.. So maybe, I don't know. But the hug did defiantly seem a lot longer than the previous two we've had. A hug.. That's as far as any sort of physical sense has happened. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how this boy sees me at all. My insecurities before got to me so much that in the end I text him asking him if he wanted to see me again or not. In short his answer was yes, but he wasn't looking for any relationship because he had been burnt before. He then went on to tell me that his head is so busy thinking about his job / career and moving out etc that he doesn't really have the time for a girlfriend. He then went on to arrange to meet up with me on the following Sunday. Sunday came, no defiant arrangements made. I text, it was moved to Monday where we went to the beach. Ended up talking about sex in the car, which was in someways excitingly embarrassing if that even makes sense.

I don't know what's really going on. I'm sure that the number of messages I'm getting from him are fewer and farther between and it makes me feel that he's not really into me. I don't know if that's because of who he is.. Well actually I do know this. He even admitted to me that he sucks at texting, so I shouldn't take it to heart. I spent my day today with a friend, within the space of a week she's put her slutty (not nicer way to say it..) on the shelf for a boy who she sees as 'perfect' for her. Within a week, they've had sex and seen each other every day and text all the time. Compared to my thing with Jay, there's really nothing to it. I don't even know if the guy fancies me.. People say that we've been on two dates but how do you know if they are dates? I don't know if me and him are on the same page at all. By saying he wants to see me again doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing me as more than friend.. Well.. Actually know that I think about it, he was the one that mentioned romance.. so.. well, yes, I guess that does indicate that he has been seeing me as more than a friend I guess. So well yeah. So the guy doesn't text me that much because he's at work and is busy.. doesn't mean he's not interested. Plus he's admitted that he doesn't text that often because he doesn't like using a touch screen.. So. Yeah.

I think my problem is; I compare. I compare too much. Watching my friend be the way she is with her potential boyfriend - which is a shock in itself ... Sort off.. makes it seem that what I have is nothing. Talking to my friend L though she's just said that you can't compare friendships or relationships and she's right. I know she's right. But sometimes it hard. Especially when you have so many hang ups over your body/mind/attractiveness. Thankfully I have a job which starts in early May. Hopefully this will give me something else to concentrate on. Rather then wondering what he's thinking. Because I won't know. Unless I ask. Maybe.

Feeling so very nervous about tonight. Granted it's only 2 friiiiiiiiiends meeting up and yet I can't help but feel its more than just friends meeting up. Maybe. I don't know. Even so, I'm mentally gearing myself up to it and have got a check list of all the things I need to do before I go. So. Really, this is more than just two friends meeting up. Well, for me anyway. Damnit. I hate feeling so vulnerable and not knowing if this is completely one sided or not.

In someways I don't even want to do this. Be like this. I think it's because I'm hormonal and don't really know how to feel about anything because I can't control those emotions. I don't know, this situation has RUNAWAY written all over it. If I can just go in with a friendly attitude than I can't lose = WIN. *cough*

I am exhausted. I really feel emotionally and physically drained. I feel like today I have crashed landed out of whatever happiness I was in. I have officially been given the all clear from the depression, but now I've just got to deal with the anxiety. A job would seriously help with that.

A job would do wonders for me not just financially, but also in giving me a sense of fulfilment and purpose. I would have something to get up for and get something in return. I'm doing some volunteering back at the hospital in Admin in hope that it will better my chances. It's only one morning a week but it's a start and hopefully, if it goes well I can pick up another day. Anything so that I'm not stuck with the constant boredom of home life. It's not fun sitting on a Monday afternoon in the job centre waiting to just sign a bit of paper to say that I've looked for work, it's demeaning and belittling. At least for me anyway. I hate the idea that I have to ask for help, especially fiancially. I have never really asked for anything in life.. Not out right anyway. But now that I've had to, although it's a massive weight off my shoulders it just does not sit well with me. It's defiantly a struggle every day to make sure that I keep the balance of money and money going out. I need to make sure that I keep enough money in so that I'm good for October & enough to socialise with. I'm lucky in the sense that I only have to pay £45 a month in bills.. But I'm meant to pay at least £250 to my parents alone, plus my phone bill, petrol & if I could, gym membership. It's a nightmare. But that's the situation as it stands and I've sort of accepted it. In some ways in the last 2 weeks I've enjoyed my free time. Going out to the beach when I can because I love the beach, it is by far my most favourite place in the whole world. The sun has been shining, it's just lovely.

The biggest impact in my life the last couple of weeks would be the introduction of a new potential guy in my life. Jay (not his actual name.) He is the loveliest guy I have ever come across, he's sweet, caring, funny, flirty and I think, pretty gorgeous too. He's a friend of a friend.. The situation that I wanted to be. We've been texting every day for the last.. 10 days. Not a long time, but enough for some one to make an inpact. We meet on a night out and we've planned to meet up again on Friday. I really do not try and think about it, because I'm pretty terrified about it all. It's the insecurity of the whole thing, because although we get on really well.. It's still got to count of a physical level too. Something I am not comfortable at all - but that is the situation. I can count 3 negatives about the whole thing:
1 - He lives in the town my ex does. A place where every one knows every one. & in fact Jay does know B. Frickin A.
2 - He smokes. I hate smoking, so I don't know if I can deal kissing an ash tray. But I'm not going to let that put me off because it's a tiny thing amongst many good points.
3 - he doesn't drive. HELLA situation. Because that means because I drive I'm going to have to make most of the trips, been there. Done that. Not an easy situation, because I get the pressure. But if he's as lovely as he seems I think he would be worth it.

I'm just going to see by Friday what the situation is, I've already told him about B in so far as he knows him. When we dated and so on. But not what happened, how it happened, the shit, the "friends with benefits". Just god no. I'm also concerned with telling him that for the last 3 months I've had depression, but you know, it's cool cause I don't have it anymore. Fun convo to have. But that's that. I don't have to cross that bridge for a long time now - might not even have to do it. But he's lovely and he makes me giggle. I got butterflies when he text me yesterday - then I know he's thinking about me.

I think I just feel really deflated because my cycle is been going crap. Coming off the mini-pill might not have been the brightest idea but I felt that I needed to.. As soon as that sorts itself out hopefully I'll go back to feeling more myself & happy :)

I know what I want.. I want love. That sort of happy love where you act like kids and hold hands. Yeah that is what I want now, defiantly. Maybe I need time to let go off B before I could decide that. Because doing so meant that I wanted something away from him, as he wouldn't give that to me. Now I just want some one to come along and for us to be together and be happy. Nothing serious as engagement, just to love each other. Especially in the summer. That Wouk be glorious.


A girl can wish though.

Another new week. Hopefully going to be a good week. I'm pretty busy most of the week: going out for dinner twice. Once with my family and another with C, L & A. So it's going to be fun.

With regards to the depression I defiantly feel that that dark cloud has lifted. Completely this time. I think now it's just a case of hoping that a job comes my way. I don't feel I have anything massively to stress about now. I'm on JSA now, I don't feel so miserable.

A really important thing is that I'm not having to deal with the whole thing about B. It makes me feel sad and it make same want to cry a bit still, but I don't have that ache anymore, I don't have that loneliness anymore. I feel that i've moved on with it all. Ready to move on with it all, find someone else or not. Because that's ok too. I feel that it's going to get better and I'm ok being on my own. I want to be ok on my own now.  The only thing I need to do now is get over my craving for fast & fatty food and I'm sorted.