I find it really hard to be in my bedroom right now. It's like I've gone through a break up right now. Every time I go into my bedroom it's like I'm hit with loneliness and lays itself across my chest with a grip hold. My brain keeps popping up images of me and b together. Just no reason at all. I think I've accepted that a part of me still love him and the thought of us.

But, I just miss being held. It was a mistake having him stay at mine if this is how I feel now. I don't really know what to do about it or how to make it go away. Because every time I walk into my room I feel him holding me. I do think that a part of this is because I miss being held rather than him. this is not how I'm meant to be right now. Why do I always feel this way!? I don't even understand this heartache.

I don't need it or want it. Just want it to go.

As soon as I think I'm starting to make progress then I start to fall back. I just feel utter shit. Why? I think it's mainly because I saw B. Christ, he's just so bad for me clearly. If I keep feeling this way afterwards. He took me for a drive - in a car he's had 3 days. His first car too Then he stayed over mine because he was so tired. So I went to bed as well and he cuddled up to me all night. We basically had sexy time without the sex but still. He woke me up to do it as well. Then in the morning we had a shower together. It was all nicey nice. Made plans to see him on Tuesday with his friend to go for a road trip. But then after he text me asking me if I had met anyone from the dating website. Where he then tells me that he's on there too. I then click as I had a text from his mate asking if I had met someone yet. I was like whaaat?! I asked him and he said he didn't know at the time. I don't know. He said he knew a couple of weeks later, but I don't believe him now.

I just feel heartache. I just, I really don't know why I feel so heavy hearted. Really lonely. I obviously want him and he obviously doesn't want me. He doesn't want to commit to me anyway. But I don't really know. I don't want to know, I don't want to want him anymore. It just makes me feel so ick, shitty, emotional, depressed. Because this is probably not good for me in the condition that I'm in. SIGH. I'm hoping that this will pass and I can let it go. For good. maybe. Because I don't really want to.