Having sex unprotected & not telling a soul.. Including the person who I had sex with.. Then becoming paranoid that you're pregnant... That's me right now. Oh my god. My lower tummy feels weird today. I had a really bad wind earlier so I'm going to it down to that. I think, no wait I know how paranoid I get because I've had it before. FML. Why can't I just be pregnant-able only when I want to be. Why can't I be in control.. I'm back on my pill since last Saturday because I think we're going to be bumping the uglies again.. Plus, I think this might be going somewhere too, so because it's going to become a regular thing back on the contraception I go. But I had no idea, NO idea that we would be having sex last Saturday. I don't know why I didn't say anything, I really don't. But I think I was embarrassed to say no when I REALLY REALLY wanted to. IT's a big thing for me to have sex so yeah. I'm just going to have to wait another week and a bit to discover whether I am. I think I would actually cry if I was. Like omg. cry.  I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to have to go and take the morning after pill when it fucked me up so bad last time. Yes, last time. You think I would have learnt by now.

Oh oh. Here we go, I can feel the licks of panic starting in my stomach and working they're way up. I can't get pregnant, it would be the end of my life. Well not literally. But, no. I want to do it when it's right and when I'm married and with someone I love. Jeez, me and Jay have literally been seeing each other a matter of months. But this feels weird. WEIRD. I think I'm going to have confess to J because she's been pregnant, she knows what it's like. If I feel the same as her I will burst into tears. It's too late to take the morning after pill, so if I was pregnant.. Well I don't know what I would do. I don't want to be a mum right now, I really don't. I'm not ready.

WELL, I just had a thought. I started taking my pill. YES. That's totally the reason for my lower tummy to feel weird. Because it's adjusting to that. YES. That is how I'm going to see it. I'm still going to ask my best what it was like and then go from there. If my period doesn't come through in the next 16 days then I may cry.. Wait I'll leave it to 20 days and go from there. YES BINGO. We will do that. The thing is, when I said to my mum about the pains I was getting she asked me I was on my period. Like no? So then she was like, it's just really bad wind. But it doesn't last this long does it. I don't even like this feeling. It's like it's all tightening up and weird. WEIRD. Fml.

Please don't let me be pregnant.