Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Conflicting thoughts of the heart and mind.

I have never ever been in a position where I was as confused emotionally as I am now. Maybe I thought that the situation with B was confusing and in some ways it was. In other it was now. I chose to ignore the very details that would have ultimately have made my decision to stop talking to him earlier than it had been. But right now, I'm conflicted. Sort of.

I'm pregnant. Only 4 weeks gone on Saturday. Making me 4 weeks and half tomorrow. If you want to be specific about it. Pregnancy is defiantly a time where emotions should be joyful as it makes up for the simple fact that the first trimester of pregnancy is utterly pants. I'm spin from being insanely hungry or feeling sick. When I eat I feel uncomfortable pressure on my tummy and it makes me feel that I'm going to throw up. So far, I've only thrown up once. Last night. Not shocking as after a couple of mouthfuls of food I couldn't eat it anymore. A desert I've had no problem eating before. It's an odd feeling. It has been the only time so far that I have actually felt pregnant. A part of me believes that the sheer discomfort in my tummy is just a side affect of the emotional turmoil I am currently involved in. My emotions peek and drop all the time. A constant roller-coaster ride that I have no control over nor can step off. I feel robed of the fact that my first time of pregnancy should be a joy-ful occasion and yet it is not. In fact is has been anything BUT joyful. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life as I have done over the last week and a half. It has ultimately left me feeling rather.. emotionless for the time-being. My body and my heart would love for me to go through with this pregnancy and become a mum for the first time. I'm 22, I'm old enough, I can do this. I'd be a brilliant mum and I would love my child without question. I would do anything for it. But really I'm having to ignore all theses basic female emotions because in my head I know it wouldn't be the best thing to do.

I live at home with my parents. I've just started full time work with a contract of only 6 months. The guy I slept with (Jay) I've been talking/seeing for only two months and we're not even together - a can off worms I can not open right now. Something I need to write about as soon as I've finished reviewing how I feel.  People keep telling me that yes, it's your decision. No one can ultimately make it for you. But I find that that line is quite frankly, a fucking load of horse shit. I know that if I were to go through with it I'd probably break my Dad's heart even if he were to come round to the idea in the end.. and disappoint my mum. Those are two things I just couldn't bare to do. I love my parents more than anything and to have them have those feelings is not something I would volunteer for. However, on the flip side I know that they would always come round to the idea and would fall in love with becoming grandparents. My friends, well I pretty much have 4/5 friends telling my completely different things. In hindsight it would have probably been best not to have told any of them but I'm not programmed to be like that. To not talk about it. It just does not happen. Two of them would LOVE me to keep this baby. Telling me how they would help look after baby if I went through with it. That I could continue being a midwife and they would give me all the help in the world. Another things I shouldn't go through with it at all, that she herself, could never do it. But the fourth has been a perfect friend; non-judgemental, no pressure & keeping as objective whilst supportive as she can be. I really do have to forget that whilst yes, I am pregnant, Baby is not viable until 20+ weeks. A progress I will never get to in this pregnancy.  However one of them, I feel is almost guilting me into keeping it.

I know she doesn't mean to and I honestly do not think she realises what she's actually doing when she said the things she does. I've told her I won't drink with her, because I don't want to disrespect my baby or my body. However she finds this is odd seeing as I don't want to go through with and will get rid of it. Even though by "next week it will have a brain and a heart"... Facts that I truly want to know. NOT. I do not need to know where the process of developing my baby is. In fact I try not to see it as "my baby". Doing so means I'm recognising it for what it is and in doing so, will make it 10xs harder to go through with the abortion. I hope that no-one is getting the impression that this is something I want  to do. Because I don't. I would love to keep it, but I can't. I can't look after it alone and I can't support me or baby either. I want to be a midwife and I want to be able to provide for my child. Some would argue that I'm putting myself before this child. Putting my career before my child. But I'm not. I believe that to be a good parent you need to be happy too. In being happy yourself you can pass this onto your child. I want my child to be happy. This isn't just my choice. Because this choice has a rippling affect to me, my parents, my friends, my life, the dad's life & his family. That would be a consequence of my choice. So does that really mean that it is my choice? I don't think it does at all. I think in situations like this you have to be mature enough to recognise that choice's have consequences and you have to consider how people react to those consequences.

Jay. Well. Jay doesn't want this baby. He will be relieved (as will I to be fair) when this is all over. It has never been discussed what would happen if I changed my mind. I've never even admitted to him that I have doubts about the abortion. That a part of me wants to go through with it and have a baby at the end. So I don't even know what he would say. To be honest, he pretty much ignores the situation unless he wants to talk about the abortion. Not that that has been talked about much either. In some ways I feel like I've been alone in this situation with everyone else talking AT me. Minus one. I just feel nothing right now to be honest. With makes me a numbed out person really. Every now and then anger with break through. I get angry a lot at Jay because he's got it easy. He hasn't had to deal with the emotions, the minor body changes, the upset to my digestion, feeling & being sick, the uncontrollable mood swings & on top of that not being able to talk about it openly with it. Two of my close friends don't know. & one of the people I have told I wasn't meant to. I feel like it's all getting on top of me and I just don't know what I feel anymore. I've never felt so raw in my life. I do worry that the guilt I feel afterwards might trigger my depression. But I try and dismiss this thought as quickly as it comes.

In truth the situation is insanely hard and it angers me that people thinking that having an abortion is the easy way out. Because it's not an easy decision and in some ways having a child is the easier option for some. I hoped that by writing this I would know how I feel a bit more. But I really don't. Maybe because I've tried to disconnect myself so much now that I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be reminded and I don't want to feel. If I feel connected to this thing inside of me then that makes it all even harder. It's a situation I wouldn't put on anyone. A situation I thought would be a lot easier. I got pregnant because I took a chance. A chance on the fact that I had sex with some-one twice in one night and thought the chances wold be against pregnancy. Something that I was clearly wrong about.

I have learnt that decisions isn't about what's all rosey & lovey-dovey. Sometimes you really do have to look at the hard facts in life and as much I wish my life was not dictated by other people and money/finances the simple truth is: it is. It's this that ultimately has made my decision. I don't have a choice really, not right now. But it does mean that when I become pregnant again, that will be my choice.

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