I feel like after the massive drop a couple of weeks ago that my life is starting to pick up now. Tomorrow I go to the doctors for check up and to see how everything is going. I feel a lot more positive in me and my skin. I guess with the decision that I made too. I kind of feel now that I was never was pregnant or the drama surrounding it happened. I sat down and had a frank discussion with my 'bf' or whatever he is and I feel a lot more... secure with it. Him admitting to me that he will never understand what I went through didn't make me feel so alone about it. I just feel a lot happier.

I almost want to start shouting about this blog on twitter,  but I can't because people from my personal life would read this and I just don't want them to. Maybe one day but not now. I've made plans to see people and I've been going to work and although today I feel poo because of the heat, I do feel better. I don't really trust it because I don't really understand what triggered of what happened before. So I feel a bit like I'm walking on egg shells at the moment. Been going back to the gym, haven't been so far this week because it has just been so incredibly hot that I just can not function. Not that great when you're meant to be working - shit. However, I think they understand.

Also this week I bought a shit loads of stuff online. A shit load of new underwear, tops & dresses. One dress doesnt fit me so well because it can't get round my boobs, but I'm tempted to hold onto it o see if I can fit into it when I lose some weight. See, see what I did there? Lose, as in I WILL lose the weight. I\m going to go tomorrow after work and before I meet up with my (ex) work collegues for dinner. Going to hit the weights & the cross trainer. Really just, want to do it this time. I want to lose 18pounds and be happy with my weight. I really do and I really hope that this time I can manage it.

I'm home alone tonight and the evening is dragging so bad. I've got nothing to watch and nothing really to do that appeals. Maybe I should watch a film or read my book. A part of me has wanted to be on my own for a while, just to breathe. But being at home alone, without my parents, is a little lonely. It's just so quite. I feel like I've made a bit of a break through. Going to the gym is definitely helping with this. It keeps me busy and it makes me feel good about myself. It's just about building my confidence back up.

I kind of think the reason why I found this week so hard to deal with is because I started my new job. Which in itself is a very scary thing, but this job deals with end of life patients. People are dying and die. It's a rather depressing scenario but I believe now I've gotten used to it, I hope. This week seems a little daunting but I'm hoping that in a week or two I will become more confident in my job and will actually start to enjoy it. I think I find my boss rather intimidating and I don't want to come across as stupid or an idiot. One of my biggest issues. So hopefully, once I'm more settled I will feel more secure and happy. Less on edge. Thats what I hope anyway.

I really want to start getting involved in a community online but I don't really know what and where to look. I know that there is a healthy blogs out there, but I'm not involved with food or fitness to really fit into that category. My interests are books, piercings and tattoos, gigs etc. More of the alternative. Its not something you can talk about on a daily basis. But I hope that maybe I can find some people to connect with.

I've been trying today to see if I can find any blog posts that people have written about their experience of having an abortion. I didn't really find anything, but I don't really understand how blogger.com works search wise to really find that information out. I hope that at some point I will be able to figure it out and find out how other people have felt going through it. I definitely do not feel ashamed of what I did, but I know I do feel ashamed that I got myself into that situation. It's an idiotic situation which I would never have estimated that I could get into. Maybe one day I will really get over it.

Life/Tattoos

Definitely feeling better about stuff right now. Some drama has gone down. Arguments with friends and no longer being a bridesmaid but there we go. I wanted to write about something that makes me happy; my tattoos. I can't help it, but I actually adore tattoos. They are just gorgeous, beautiful art that stay with you for the whole of your life. It wouldn't surprise me if I ended up with loads all over my body. I love them that much. At the moment I have 6 and I just wanted to express some happiness love on my blog as I don't think I have for a little while.

1. My first ever tattoo was not long after I turned 18 and was legally able to get one. It was a heart/butterfly/musical note which was inspired by my love of my favourite band at the time. (Kill Hannah). I don't dislike them, in fact I still love them. But the tattoo itself just seems lost now. It's a small one, probably no bigger than a 50p. I was 18 and wanted something, but now amongst all my other ones it just looks a bit out of place.

2. My second tattoo was 3 stars on my right wrist. This has now been extended. Some of the stars have either been coloured in or shaded. It's now extended out so I have 9 stars in total. This got extended out after I had my 4th tattoo.

3. Two cat paws on my inner left arm. Which again got extended out so that there are now 4. This was to show my love of my cats and is in fact (so far) the most commented on tattoo I have. But maybe if they saw my last tattoo they would question that. I find it quirky and loveable. Our cats always walk all over us. Especially when we're all asleep. I love cats and hope that I am always able to have a cat.

4. Cherry blossom on my right arm. It was to represent strength and family. It came after my break up with an ex. It symbolised strength to me and that I would never be alone. It was a more of a representation of my mum and family, but didn't want to have my mum's name tattooed on me. It is something personal to me and something that I love. Plus, it's pin and very cute.

5. Lady Gaga lyrics on my ankle. 'Freedom in the music'. I LOVE gaga. I actually do, but the lyrics aren't just because of my love of her. This is probably one of the biggest representations of me. Ever since I was 13/14 I have used music to get through life.When I feel sad or happy I always want to play music. I just love it. It is something I believe in and I do always feel free when I listen to it.

6. My biggest tattoo so far. Is on my back on my left shoulder. It is a portrait of my Gran who died when I was 3. I have her name and dates tattooed around the picture. She is beautiful and is a character who I was unable to meet and remember. If I can be like anyone in the world it would be her. She put up with so much in my family and she still was able to stay strong. I feel like I was robbed of her, but now I feel like she is always going to be with me. She is always going to be there when I need some-one and to look out for me. She will be there when I get married and have my kids and so on. She is now a part of my life that I can remember.

So thats what I have so far. I'm getting my first tattoo covered in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. It's going to be quite big but I'm excited. There are two more that I want after this and then I don't really know. See if I have any more ideas :)

I keep telling myself that plenty of other women have done this and that there are worse things to happen to me and to my life. This should give me perspective right? In some ways yes. But it doesn't stop the emotions I feel right now. The severe heaviness that is weighing me down. I feel like I'm drowning in everything. I hate myself for putting me into this position. I just want to stop hurting, but the guilty I feel is hideous. I'm so tired already of feeling this way and I don't know where and how and why it will end. I have everything I said I wanted. A job. A good, stable morally helping job. A boyfriend - he practically is anyway. Good friends and people I speak to every day. So why am I not content. I don't even really strive to be happy but I just don't. I don't. I can't even express my feelings because I don't even know what they are.

I can't even be arsed to deal with this shit. I'm trying I really am. I've started back at the gym - I almost cried in the gym today. How embarrassingly awful is that. I just want to shout PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. And then I snap out of it for a little while.. .. Until I feel myself sinking back down again. I'm going to book a doctors appointment and see what she suggests. I might have to have some counselling or something to help me deal with this. I don't even know if I want to do that because I don't really like talking about it anymore. When I was ok I could put a front on and it was fine. But now. Now I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to see people. I just want my boy to give me a cuddle and tell me it'll be ok. But the worst bit? I don't even feel I can do that. I don't feel emotionally stable enough to let go. To open up. Because I think he will just run away. I don't have that emotional trust on him to let him in.

My mum? I semi have but she told me she was so proud of the way I've dealt with it. I just don't want to talk to anyone about it. But it's something I can't seem to forget about. I just feel awful. Awful. Awful. Awful. How the fuck could I do this to myself? I preach on to people about the arrogance of taking another life and here I am, having done the same. Even for whatever reason. I took that life. Even when people are so desperate to have that gift.

I don't want to be like this. But a part of me feels like I don't deserve to move on and be happy because what I have done is awful. So awful. I wish no-one knew. I wish I'd kept it a big secret and not told a soul. I feel like my heart's broken. Numb and angry. I don't want to see other people's joy. I don't want to see other people's happiness, it feels like a reminder of the thing I can't seem to get back to.

Returning?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm fully over my depression completely or if it's just come back to wave it's ugly head at me. Having an abortion has been a difficult thing for me to accept. I do not regret what I did because I know that ultimately the mature decision was made. Having a child in my situation would not have been a fair thing, however I sometimes find that I'm having to convince myself of this. I'm a vegetarian and have been my whole life. Mainly because I feel that just because I'm a human doesn't mean I have the right to take another thing's life. I have sometimes wondered that perhaps my strong vegetarian beliefs have made this process a whole lot harder for me. Although I feel that my life is just starting for me with my new job/career tomorrow, I feel like in someways I'm kind of stuck. I keep feeling guilt that is cutting away at me. A part of me feels like I've gone against my vegetarian believes because the abortion has taken away a life. Something that I have been so against for so long. Although I do not regret my decision and I do not wish to go back and to change the outcome, I find the whole thing saddening and ever so slightly shameful. It was by an idiotic decision that led to an extreme outcome which will leave me emotional scared for the rest of my life.

Fact.

It is something that I guess I will just take time to get over. I feel like this cut was a really deep and subtle cut that I've done myself, really. A part of me feels that I was never able to have a choice in my decision and that's what I've found even harder to get my head around. Circumstance affected my decision. Money affected my decision. Because in reality just loving a child will not provide all that is needed. It makes me feel so.. empty that things that like affect my life so greatly that it prevented me from becoming a mother. In some ways I'm sure that even if I could have afforded it I'm not sure what I would have done. The idea of being a single mum and doing it without the love/help of the father may have been enough for me to make the decision I made. I think I have found it hard to find the morality in what I have done. I try really hard to make the decisions that I believe are morally right. Sometimes I may toe that line in some sneaky way but ultimately I act in a way where I try not to hurt others, putting myself before them. In some ways I feel like in this situation I have done the most self-ish of acts. Although I could always argue the other point of it too.

I kind of feel like I did before. I don't have that get - up - go like I did just when I was starting to get better after the depression. I don't really feel happy or excited. I feel unstable and tired and not really bothered. I got my gran's tattoo finished on my shoulder and decided to go through the things my grandad had left me. I literally sobbed my heart out at the letter he left me, even though I had read it before. It was the "one day you will have a daughter to pass this on to" and "take care my dear girl" and my heart just broke. I just miss him and the way life should be. I feel like I've lost out on the opportunity to be a mum and yes, I know it wasn't my only chance and the time I do do it, it will be the right time. But I don't know. I just felt so ashamed at myself and wondered what my grand parents must be thinking of me.

I feel like the whole thing has a left a bad taste in my mouth and it's rocked my self esteem/confidence so badly. I'm half terrified that Jamie is going to run off because he can't deal with the emotional commitment that I could ask of him. I don't want to be miserable, I want to be a fun and happy person that makes other people laugh. But I don't know.. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's going on my head or how I feel. I just feel like there's this great big weight over my heart and it's probably just all the emotional baggage that has come with the abortion. I feel guilty and selfish and miserable.

I just want to be happy. I just want to feel secure. I just want to like being in my skin and right now I don't. I just feel horrible. I feel a little better for getting it out of my system. But I just feel raw. It's been 2/3 weeks since my surgery and I just want to move on and start again. I want to make plans with people and do crazy shit so that at least it was all worth it. I'm hoping that from this months pay packet life will pick up again. Right now I'm constricted to what I can (not a lot) and can't do. I just want to be happy and I kind of want to be happy with Jamie too.

I'm finding it difficult to trust him emotionally. I'm scared that if I open up to him, he'll just think I'm being really clingy and over the top and too much and run away. In some ways if he does that then he wasn't the person I thought he was. But it just seems too soon to be doing this to him. He might just go 'this wasn't what I signed up for' and fuck off. We're not even official yet. We're.. like.. exclusive but not a couple. Whatever the differences in that is. I think it will take us time to get to that point.  I think I will be a lot happier when I am. I just..I want it to be sunny and to wear sunglasses and go to the beach and just feel nice. I want to be going to the gym and feeling fit and healthy. Why can't I get to this point?! Why can't things be a little easier for me than a constant struggle?!

I hope that things will start to pick up with my new job that starts tomorrow. I just.. I need it.