Sometimes I wonder if I'm fully over my depression completely or if it's just come back to wave it's ugly head at me. Having an abortion has been a difficult thing for me to accept. I do not regret what I did because I know that ultimately the mature decision was made. Having a child in my situation would not have been a fair thing, however I sometimes find that I'm having to convince myself of this. I'm a vegetarian and have been my whole life. Mainly because I feel that just because I'm a human doesn't mean I have the right to take another thing's life. I have sometimes wondered that perhaps my strong vegetarian beliefs have made this process a whole lot harder for me. Although I feel that my life is just starting for me with my new job/career tomorrow, I feel like in someways I'm kind of stuck. I keep feeling guilt that is cutting away at me. A part of me feels like I've gone against my vegetarian believes because the abortion has taken away a life. Something that I have been so against for so long. Although I do not regret my decision and I do not wish to go back and to change the outcome, I find the whole thing saddening and ever so slightly shameful. It was by an idiotic decision that led to an extreme outcome which will leave me emotional scared for the rest of my life.
It is something that I guess I will just take time to get over. I feel like this cut was a really deep and subtle cut that I've done myself, really. A part of me feels that I was never able to have a choice in my decision and that's what I've found even harder to get my head around. Circumstance affected my decision. Money affected my decision. Because in reality just loving a child will not provide all that is needed. It makes me feel so.. empty that things that like affect my life so greatly that it prevented me from becoming a mother. In some ways I'm sure that even if I could have afforded it I'm not sure what I would have done. The idea of being a single mum and doing it without the love/help of the father may have been enough for me to make the decision I made. I think I have found it hard to find the morality in what I have done. I try really hard to make the decisions that I believe are morally right. Sometimes I may toe that line in some sneaky way but ultimately I act in a way where I try not to hurt others, putting myself before them. In some ways I feel like in this situation I have done the most self-ish of acts. Although I could always argue the other point of it too.
I kind of feel like I did before. I don't have that get - up - go like I did just when I was starting to get better after the depression. I don't really feel happy or excited. I feel unstable and tired and not really bothered. I got my gran's tattoo finished on my shoulder and decided to go through the things my grandad had left me. I literally sobbed my heart out at the letter he left me, even though I had read it before. It was the "one day you will have a daughter to pass this on to" and "take care my dear girl" and my heart just broke. I just miss him and the way life should be. I feel like I've lost out on the opportunity to be a mum and yes, I know it wasn't my only chance and the time I do do it, it will be the right time. But I don't know. I just felt so ashamed at myself and wondered what my grand parents must be thinking of me.
I feel like the whole thing has a left a bad taste in my mouth and it's rocked my self esteem/confidence so badly. I'm half terrified that Jamie is going to run off because he can't deal with the emotional commitment that I could ask of him. I don't want to be miserable, I want to be a fun and happy person that makes other people laugh. But I don't know.. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's going on my head or how I feel. I just feel like there's this great big weight over my heart and it's probably just all the emotional baggage that has come with the abortion. I feel guilty and selfish and miserable.
I just want to be happy. I just want to feel secure. I just want to like being in my skin and right now I don't. I just feel horrible. I feel a little better for getting it out of my system. But I just feel raw. It's been 2/3 weeks since my surgery and I just want to move on and start again. I want to make plans with people and do crazy shit so that at least it was all worth it. I'm hoping that from this months pay packet life will pick up again. Right now I'm constricted to what I can (not a lot) and can't do. I just want to be happy and I kind of want to be happy with Jamie too.
I'm finding it difficult to trust him emotionally. I'm scared that if I open up to him, he'll just think I'm being really clingy and over the top and too much and run away. In some ways if he does that then he wasn't the person I thought he was. But it just seems too soon to be doing this to him. He might just go 'this wasn't what I signed up for' and fuck off. We're not even official yet. We're.. like.. exclusive but not a couple. Whatever the differences in that is. I think it will take us time to get to that point. I think I will be a lot happier when I am. I just..I want it to be sunny and to wear sunglasses and go to the beach and just feel nice. I want to be going to the gym and feeling fit and healthy. Why can't I get to this point?! Why can't things be a little easier for me than a constant struggle?!
I hope that things will start to pick up with my new job that starts tomorrow. I just.. I need it.