Friday, 14 September 2012


I think I always knew that some point, I may end up regretting my decision - even if I were to regret it only temperoraly. My friend's sister-in-law, gave birth to a beautiful little boy & a few people I follow on twitter or have on facebook are pregnant. Lately, I keep on feeling a little green-eyed. Wanting that to be so much, that it almost feels like it hurts. My deputy boss, said that when she was pregnant at 25, married and living with her other half, her parents said that she would be destroying her life. That she was to young and so on and so forth. It has me thinking, unless you're in the ideal situation (which for most, is probably going to be never...) then having a baby is a hard thing to time correctly. 

My situation was of course, wrong timing. Pure and simple. It was due to many complicated and interlinking factors which ultimately meant, that if I went through it, it would have been the hardest thing to do and no-one would have benefited from it. I'm two/three months from it all now and I think, maybe, the ever so slightly, rose tinted glasses have come back on. I think you forget that going through it, the feelings at the time when the imagination becomes reality - it was the most scariest thing I have ever been through. Probably the hardest decision I may have make in my life. I could cry now with the knowledge that I could have been around-about half way right now. NOT that I think about it often, because I DON'T. I had slight dose of paranoia. Where I have been going to the gym and change of diet, it's been affecting my body. I was feeling sick, headachy, tired & getting really bad heartburn. All things I got at the very beginning. Insert paranoid panic and there's me thinking, even for the briefest of seconds, I'm going through it all again. WTF WOULD I DO?! & for that strongest of seconds, I went: I'd keep it. My first instinct was that. But my situation hasn't changed and what I went through, to go through again? Fuck. I don't know how people do it multiply times. For me, I think it's hardened me in some ways, but it's also made me appreciate life. 

My dream is to be a midwife, to help those give birth to beautiful babies. To bring joy and happiness. I wanted my time to be the same. With a partner who was there because he wanted to be, not because he felt he had to be. I'm a stickler for making sure I take my contraception EVERY SINGLE DAY. I just wish I didn't feel envy and sadness at those who are going through such an amazing time. 
But I will be ok :) 

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