Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Clearing out my old clothes, pjs and underwear. Anything with a reference to a previous life pretty much needs to go. I need a new start and I kind of feeling I'm shredding my old skin, metaphorically speaking.

I literally could snap right now though. I'm due on my period and my emotional state is fragile to say the least. I literally can not stand ANYTHING. I half want to be left alone and half want to be chased after. I'm stupid and clumsy and I just can't do anything right. At work I just feel like such a loser and my anger is so easy to spring upon it's insane. I'm arguing with my friends, I just.. I can't even explain it. Maybe that's my problem, maybe that's the issue here. I'm trying to make sense of something that's completely irrational. I just feel like such a horrible person. I've turned into this spiteful jealous person. I see people and think "you don't deserve that". Or someone tells me something and I think: "you're just telling me that to spite me - SO KINDLY FUCK OFF". I'm just so irritated at everything.

I think I feel a bit stressed and overwhelmed with everything, but really the only thing that's getting on top of me is myself. I'm stressing myself out by putting too much pressure upon myself. It's not healthy or good. I feel like a failure at this moment in time because I didn't go to the gym today, but my leg is hurting from the chiro. I don't want to go to the gym. I just want to sleep. Forever. Never wake up. I'm probably going to get into my pjs after I finish writing this with my book and hope that I go to sleep just before 10pm. I need sleep and I need to feel calmer. With a clearer head. Seriously. It needs to be for my job.. I just don't understand myself that much.  I don't know why I do it.. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and even if I do it makes me vulnerable because some one then has the chance to knock me down.

Shit with friends going down... I just can't be arsed to deal with it. At all. I just. I don't even know. It's shit because I don't really know what to say and yet I feel like I've got so much to say and do that I don't know where to begin and yet, I sit down and think right, what have I got to do and I don't have anything. Apart from the gym and starting my midwifery application - maybe. I just think I need to relaxxx and calm and just switch off from everything. I just need a cuddle from my boy and some laughter.

I really do.

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