Couch to 5k - week 1.

So I'm back on the gym craze.  Been four times this week since Sunday. I've started a new regime.  NHS couch to 5k. So far I've been twice, with a swim the following day.

The first time was a little tough, I haven't ran in the longest time. The first week consists of 5minute walk up, followed by a 60 second run & then a 90 minute walk. This alternates for 8 times and then finishes for another 5minute walk for a cool down. The treadmill I use at the gym says that if I walk an additional 5 minutes then the whole cardio session means I burn 200 kcals. Tbh, this time round I'm not concentrating on the calorie counting. Just trying to eat as healthy as I can. My lunch today consisted of a new york bagel, low fat cottage cheese and some salad - it was DELISH. The cheese, which I was sort of cutting out of my diet is actually really good for protein. Which in turn, is really good for building muscle. The second time was a LOT easier. I have yet to do number 3, which is either going to be tonight or sunday day.

You only need to this 3 times a week before moving onto the next one. But, if I manage to hit the gym tonight that I may do number 4 on Saturday if I get time.

Will then be moving onto week 2 on Sunday. I've got a really good mental attitude about this, I really feel that this can get me to where my goal is. (Lose a dress size by August.)

I'm not bothered about how much I weigh anymore, I personally feel that this can be the most un-motivating and uninspiring way of doing it. I know that when I did this before, I didn't lose any weight, but I have clear muscle definition in my arms and legs which I never had before. So clearly, although I'd not lost any weight, I'd lost fat. Also, by measuring myself I saw that I'd managed to lose an inch & an half around my waist. However, with this training regime and with incorporating weights into it as well I will get a nicer & healthier body shape.

Hand in hand by confidence would grow. & maybe I can get myself a bikini. For the first time in my LIFE. WISH ME LUCK.

Kaboom

My dad had his op Wednesday just gone. Really weird that he was out of the house for nearly a week. Very strange... I kind of pretended it didn't really happen and I think I'm still maintaining that. Sort of. I think it's really hitting home what happened, I mean.. I think I always ignore the situations and then feel that shit after it's all calmed down. He's back and he only needed to show me the bandage on his thigh where his skin graft was and I just cringed from head to toe. I just can not cope with the idea that it really happened.

Thing is, I didn't go to the hospital because I was at work and because it was in London - not our local hospital. I never saw him on the ward, never say the surgeon or the staff. So it my eyes, I guess it never really occurred. It was like he was on a little holiday and that was ok. But god, seeing him in pain at home just makes me feel sick. It really did happen. & now I feel, angry. So ANGRY. I think this is my default emotion because I get so frustrated with not being able to do anything. So, I get frustrated and then life just gets in the way and I just boil and KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. I know maybe I should be some sophisticated, charming, lady. But I'm so not. I'm really not. I'm common, foul mouth individual who would rather say how it is than glamour it all up. Because ultimately this shit is not good and although the disease my Dad had was a slow burner, it could have (if he had left it), killed him. It's scary to think that had it been left, that that would have been the outcome. In a week or so we find out if he's cured. It does sound positive. The surgeon said that they were able to remove the whole tumour, which is great news. But I don't know. I just feel so angry about the whole thing. Maybe because if I let myself be too real with it all, I may lose it. I may lose complete control and then maybe I'd stop. Being angry keeps me going because that's my motiviation. That's my fuel for fire.

It's seeping into my work life. Because I find that I work with complete and utter idiots who can't seem to help themselves. Nurses opening their mouths and giving suggestions that not only make it unnecessarily complicated for the patient/patient's relatives but for us too. I had to have quite an uncomfortable conversation with a patient's son because they wanted a nursing home that the CCG do not pay for. He wouldn't really take no nor would listen to what I was saying. It just makes the whole situation a nightmare. But I'm just fed up and frustrated. Today I was just pissed off from start to finish. The end because I was bored. The beginning because of other people. I don't know, maybe they are just insanely inappropriate or it may be because my emotions of other things are seeping into it. More than likely..

I constantly feel like my chest is heavy, like I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders. That I'm constantly failing at what I should be doing or not doing a good enough job. The other day, I just felt completely numb. Just didn't really feel anything, just wanted to be on my own and go to sleep. I'm not going to be a midwife, so now I have to rethink my plan of action. My life just seems to be a bit on hold at the moment and to be honest, I just can not be arsed with anything. I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I have hours/days where I'm chatty, happy to speak to people and see them. But the majority of the time I just want to be on my own or with my boyfriend. I've spent so much time in my room lately. I have a strong suspicion that when I go see my doctor a week on Saturday that she's going to diagnose me with depression again. I really don't know what I want to do. Because this time round, I'm just tired. Physically drained and I just want to be able to get on with life and enjoy it. Frankly just wanting to see/do anything would be a lovely change. Again, sometimes this changes. Sometimes I do just want to go to the gym and do things. I said I never wanted to be on anti-depressants because I don't think that deals with the problem at hand. But this time, I really don't know what to say and I just want to be able to do things and not finish work at half 4 and feel like I need to sleep because I'm exhausted. So now I'm going to have to swallow my words and may have to go on them for a while. Maybe that will help me get out of this tail spin situation.

It Pours.

Do you know what I've really noticed? That life likes to challenge you. Push you to your limits and see if you can cope. Last year, I struggled because of the decisions I personally had to make and deal with. Moving on from my ex and not letting him use me anymore. Being unemployed. Dealing with depression. And of course, that other thing which happened in the summer. Somethings I dealt with ok, somethings better & some things worse. But I really think I've grown as a person because of it.

Now, this year. Life is throwing things at me that I can't do anything about. I can't work hard and change anything, because the power is not in my hands. It's incredible frustrating and ultimately makes me feel powerless. I hate waiting for answers and for other things to sort themselves out. I can guarantee this year has helped me with my patience. It started off so well, but then it's just got ridiculous.

It all started because my aunty (not by blood, but she might as well be), had to have a knee replacement. But it didn't go down very well. Que. a very naive 23 year old walking onto a hospital ward, to find her completed knocked out with a horrible oxygen mask across her face. I can't COPE with masks, they creep me out on every level. Anyway, things weren't going great and it came at the wrong time, as the hospital had been announced as one of those that were under investigation due to its high mortality rates. panic. panic. But thankfully, over a month later she's still recovering - after getting an infection. Honestly, my aunty gets so many things wrong with her. Sometimes it's a miracle that she is alive.

This was then quickly followed by two massive stresses upon my life. Home & Work.  In the same day I found out that at work it was just going to be me & my colleague, just us two, left to run a whole department and I would be having to cope with it on my own for a few days. To then return home to discover my Dad's got cancer. ON THE SAME DAY. How I did not just crash and burn is beyond me, but there we go. As it goes, I think work wise, it's really helped me improve. I am more involved and more aware of what's going on. I stepped up and so did my colleague and we did amazing. We're so on top of everything, more than I think we've ever been since I started working there. We don't know how long this will last and what the reaction will be when our 3rd member returns. But hopefully, it won't be too crazy.

My Dad's cancer. Wow. Deep breath. It still hits me like a train every time I think about it. The thing is, my Dad never gets ill. Ever. I've always been so annoyed at him for the fact that I get ill every 5 seconds and he just doesn't. This is almost like all illness's coming at once. He's got a very rare cancer. Only 500 men a year get diagnosed with it. We're lucky that it got spotted so early, that it got fast tracked & that the hospital that deals with these sorts of cases is only an hour on the train. He's got an operation on the 27th March 2013. He will be in for a minimum of 5 days, bed bound for the first two. He will need the tumour to be removed and then a skin graft to make up for it. Depending on if they remove all the tumour then he may/may not need another operation. He will be off work for two weeks. There we go, that's the facts. He's going to one of the best places in the whole world for this time of cancer. But, I just.. I can't deal with the fact that my Dad has got bloody cancer. I was able to be helpful and was able to organise his transport back from the Hospital to home as he won't be able to get public transport. The waiting to find out how serious this is and waiting to find out when his operation was to be, has been a huge weight on my shoulders. He had a UTI and had to have antibiotics as well as having a high blood pressure, which he also had to take tablets for. He's not allowed to get sick. I will be more okay with this when the operation is done and he is back home. Now that we have the operation date, it makes it all easier to deal with really.

My brother came back more into my life. We found out that he tired to commit suicide a few months back - this just makes me weep. If he had actually done it, we would have never known. Also found out recently that my great uncle is quite ill and a relative on my Dad's side was in the Hospice for symptom control. If it rains it bloody pours.

As well as all of this, I've still waiting to find out if I've got in to be a midwife. I should be finding out any day, its dragging. I just want to find out. I'm fed up on waiting.

But I guess, this will all teach me something in the long run. Let's just hope, that good things come to those that wait.

GAH.

Why are boys so frustrating? Seriously. You make plans and then suddenly another option is open and the original plan is not confirmed any longer. I literally hate not being able to plan things ahead or have a plan of action. I need a direction to move, to work for. It's just something I've always done since I was at college. It makes me feel secure and I don't know, safe. Because I always know where I'm heading. 

My life is seriously undergoing some crazy shit right now & this had led to the possibility of my boyfriend moving in with me and my family. We did go and look at places within my local town and we could just about afford it. But he wants to move about 40 minutes away into a city so that he can work on his carer. Something, that I would not be able to afford. So the best option seems to be that if he moves in with me then we can both work on our carers (if I HOPEFULLY get into my midwifery course). It also means that we both safe quite a lot of money and would give us the option to save for a mortgage or have the chance to go on holiday or buy a new car. Whatever. But now I'm not sure if it's even going to happen, it's BUGS me. I swear to God, I hate that fact that this is so wishy-washy. Men are never able to commit. The main thing that is putting everything up in the air is the fact that he doesn't drive, but that was his choice. He's now trying to learn how to drive within a few months so that he can move out when we both can get the time off work. Time is limited because his sister is pregnant and is due May and he wants to be out before then. 

I feel out of control and I feel, I don't know, that it makes me anxious. I don't know. Hopefully it will get sorted. 

Emosh.

Life has been a bloody roller-coaster ride. This needs a proper explanation but right mow I'm on my ipod and I need to say something quick and small to off load.

Couple weeks ago we found out my Dad has cancer. Low risk, will be having an operation in London to hopefully remove the tumour. Just watched tv and a girl lost her mum due to cancer and its just hit me. We are so lucky that it has been caught so early one. But man, what a fucking hit in the teeth that is.

Weight loss Wednesday on a thursday

First post in probably two weeks. My laptop has been dead and I've hardly been home to sort that out. In other words, I couldn't be bothered to sort it out. So I had a brain wave whilst I was at work. I could write a post on my iPod and then post it when I get home. Work isn't particularly busy at the moment and I'm only doing this when I have the free time i.e lunch. Anyway, this is a post about mu continuing story with my weight lost or lack thereof.

I haven't been to the gym as much of the last couple of weeks. Last week I was just exhausted and slept most of the time - 100% down to hormones. When I weighed myself I had gone back up what I had lost. Was not happy. Then Friday just gone Id lost a pound again. Its better than nothing I suppose, but it can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you're doing most of the right things and seeing no results. This is usually the time I give up, but I'm trying to resist old habits.

I went to the gym Sunday just gone and basically did EVERYTHING. Weights, crunches and 35 minutes on the cross trainer. I haven't been since as I've been working late and I just find it a little scary going to the gym at night. When I say scary, I mean intimidating. I almost want to give up, but I'm going today after work.

Plus, I went to the chiropractors yesterday and she asked me if I had lost weight!! I almost got up and did a party dance there and then, but somehow resisted. The fact that someone has actually noticed a difference means its working and I can honestly say that my clothes feel loser. I really just hope that I will see results when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

Fingers crossed!

MAC Studio Sculpt Foundation

MAC Studio Sculpt SPF 15 Foundation. To be found here.

When I went to the MAC desk, I stated that I wanted to look natural, to look like I haven't got any/much make up on. I'm just not a fan of looking plastic / orange and so on and so forth. I also didn't want to look shiny. This when the lady picked up this; Mac studio sculpt. Although it's a quite small for the price (£24) it has actually lasted a very long time..I've probably had this nearly 4/5 months, although I don't use it every day. You don't actually need much of this, the smallest amount will cover quite a lot of your face and it lasts all day. It leaves my skin looking natural and healthy, but covers evenly. I've always struggled with finding a foundation that I can work with, flicking between many different brands. This is one, that I have stayed with for a while and has been the best so far. Although at the price, I'm sure I will try to find a cheaper but just as good version.

Have you tried this? What other brands have you tried?

Soap & Glory anyone?

On payday I decided to make a trip to boots. I'd been seeing so many reviews for Soap And Glory I just had to get my hands in some of them. There was so many choices I didn't know which to go for. I decided that I would buy some things to take to the gym with me. Win all over. After much deliberation  I went with Scrub Actually and Daily Smooth. I also bought Scrub your nose in it, but that's for a different review.

I've used both of these a few times and oh my lordie, they are lovely. I want to purchase a body wash to add to the mix but that will be for next time. The scrub is just.. aofjldkfda. The smallest iddle bit goes so far, I use about.. 10p size worth every time I'm in the shower. It comes out quite thick, but due to the sugary beads in it, it just spreads beautifully over the skin. The smell is just bloody lovely in itself and leaves my skin VERY smooth.

The daily smooth does what it says on the tin really. It makes me skin incredible smooth and soft, also leaving it to smell beautiful. It can be a little overpowering if you use to much. My mum said she was able to smell it from across the room.

These definitely encourage me to go to the gym as I really do enjoy using them. I will be repurchasing as soon as I'm out.

Anyone else ever tried this? Any other soap and glory products you would suggest?

Body shop wonder.

The body shop.
The last time I entered into my local body shop I was nearly balled over by how strong the smell was. This was, nearly 5 years ago now - give or take. The same shop is now being renovated so we have no body shop currently. But walking past the empty shop, I realised that I've never actually bought anything from there. I've always wanted to but I never known what. I've decided that when the brand new shop is up and running, I'd like to make a little trip inside and have a look and dabble a bit.

Has anyone bought from their local body shop? What sort of products would you suggest?

Moany sunday.

(source)

Today has been a bad day. Why? Because it just has. It's been one of those days where I wish I had just stayed in bed and not bothered. I got very very emotional today because it felt like my boyfriend was putting his friends over me. (Add in here that I don't want to be put over his friends, but at least have it equal.) But that's semi been sorted now. What I did discover is that his best friend made an insulting comment to me, I don't know what it is and I don't think I want to know. I just find it semi amusing that I'm a problem because he's not seeing him enough, bare in mind they see each other nearly every other day. I think people forget that as life goes on, things change and situations change. You may see someone every day but that is never going to be the same forever. I've not even met him and I already feel like I'm being judged. It's not fair on my other half to feel like he's in between us either. The problem is, I live 30 minutes away and his best friend lives 30 seconds away. All I want is to see him twice a week and suddenly that's a problem. This has put me in a very bad mood, but this is more likely due to the fact that I'm very hormonal! I'm sadly one of those women that gets very affected by the changes of my hormonal level. With all that in mind, I'm trying to just shrug it off. He's the one with the problem (the best friend), not me.

On the upside I managed to go for a swim and help all my achy muscles after my first pole dancing class on Thursday (Yes, I still hurt). I'm going back to work tomorrow after a whole week off. This is probably going to be a bit of a shock to the system, especially getting up in the cold! But it will be nice to get back into a routine. Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

MAC Select Moisturecover

MAC Select moisture cover

Near the end of last year I decided to get a whole new range of make up, after huge reviews I decided to make a trip to MAC. During my time there I finally realised how dark under my eyes are. This means that I do look tired quite a bit lot of the time (although, for most of the time I am actually quite tired...). This isn't the most attractive look and not something I want when I'm going for a night out. So here walked into my life the Mac Select moisture cover. This is brilliant and it's now part of my go-to pieces when I look worse for wear. This makes me look awake and makes my eyes look a lot brighter. Of course with MAC in mind comes a price tag at £14.50 per tube it can be quite a pinch. This has however lasted me quite a while. Can find the product here. Yet with this all in mind, I won't be repurchasing this.

Has anyone else tried this or tried something similar with a different brand?

Hidden gem.

Excuse the poor quality imagine, but my ipod camera is poo. I discovered this in the back of my mum's bathroom cupboard. This is quite a bit old but the product is still the same. I popped open the lid and the smell was GORGEOUS. I've heard so many reviews about Burt's Bees bath crystals and I can see why. The smell is literally beautiful and was so relaxing. I will most definitely be buying this when I run out. I will be rummaging around my mum's cupboards again when I get the chance to see if there any more gems like this hidden. This year I want to finish off some of the products we have already before getting new ones.

Have you ever found gems like this before?

Gym update #2

I'm thinking that from now on Wednesdays will be my gym update.. Simply because it's middle of the week and a good time to keep myself motivated. I say that, but this week I've had off! PAID HOLIDAY IS AMAZING. This is the first time since I've started working full time (July'12) that I've had a whole week off. I've kept my alarm on, hoping that on the return of Monday morning that I won't be too much of a struggle to get up. I say this but I have successfully fallen asleep every single morning. Oops. It's also been save to say that I'm glad I've had this week off. -6 in the morning? No thank you. 

Anyway.. This week I can definitely feel and almost see the affects that the gym has had on my body. My upper arms and legs actually have muscle. I feel like I have much more energy and just in general much better and healthier. 

My week:

Thursday: weights & cross trainer.

Friday: day off.

Saturday: just did weights after having my hair cut! :) 

Sunday: Weights & 42 minutes on the cross trainer.

Monday: day off. 

Tuesday: Weights & a quarter mile swim. 

Was a little gutted by the fact that I had booked in for a Zumba class yesterday but was late and thus unable to attend. Overall, considering it was my birthday on the 13th I don't think I've done too badly! I'm hoping to go to the gym today when I can convinced myself to get out of bed - it's just too blooming cold! 

Hopefully I will start to see the weight coming off now that my muscles will have increased. Fingers crossed for my weigh in on Friday! 

How dirty.

Just after the christmas period there was a Lush sale online. I had a little bit of a look round and ended up getting some of my BELOVED Snow Fairy. However I was very limited on funds and wasn't able to buy anything else of the reduced Christmas selection. BUT, what I did decide to buy (because it was something I required!) was this; Dirty shaving cream.

When I finally got it through I was a bit.. unsure of how it was going to work. I'm very much used to the foamy sort of textured shaving cream etcetc. Instead this is a sort of liquid/creamy texture (clue was in the name really). I was also sceptical at the size, considering that this little baby set me back roughly £6ish. I was however, pleasantly surprised. The smallest amount of product would go very far. I only had to dip in twice to cover both of my legs completely. It then goes across the skin creating a semi-see through layer which not only protects the skin from the razor but, prevents it from going all red (I have sensitive skin & have this problem constantly after shaving). Sometimes my skin feels dry after shaving but again, I had no problem with it. The smell is actually lovely and it has left my skin feeling very protected and smooth.

I will most definitely be repurchasing this product when I run out of it. But I'm sure that wont be necessary for another couple of months.

23.

Good morning everyone,

I've been awake for a while already today, too long if you ask me! However today is the 13th of January. Which means, today is my 23rd birthday. Not something I'm particularly fond about it. It is the first birthday I have been a bit apprehensive about, there is nothing fun about being another year old older from now on. That fact that I still live with my parents at 23 isn't something I'm a fan about either, this what now how I had planned my life at the age of 13. I joke, but seriously, I didn't think I'd still be living at home. This is something I've come to accept and if I have to live here for another few years then I will save up for when the times comes.

ANYWHO,

I've been bought some really love gifts this year. I will actually be doing an outfit of the day post. This is not something I would normally do because I'm not proud of my body shape, however I've been gaining confidence with going to the gym and I actually SEE the muscle I'm gaining. So all in all a happy start to my birthday! :) 

Wishful thinking.

Hello lovers,

Hope all is week 9 days into the new year. I can safely say it feels like a LOT longer than that. I wonder how many people have already given up their new years resolutions ;). I feel like I'm working towards mine as it stands. Since the last time I blogged I'd lost a whole ONE POUND. But I still count this as a success; every little helps and all. I've been going to the gym :

Saturday: half a mile swim.
Sunday: quarter of a mile swim.
Monday: half a mile swim.
Tuesday: weights & 2 mile speedy walk.

I know, nothing exactly exciting but I haven't been able to get onto my favourite machine at the gym (sounds quite sad doesn't it!) which is the cross trainer. I literally feel like I work my arse off on that machine. So when I come off it 42 minutes later (knowing I've burnt around 500kcal!), I feel like I've successfully achieved my goal that day. This may be attempted tomorrow or Friday, depending on how I feel. As it stands I feel physically exhausted. I'm struggling today to actually move myself around I just want to sleep. But, I think I've lost some weight around my tummy so it's just a price I have to pay.

On a personal note I had a good conversation with two of my friends about the lack of self esteem and confidence I have in myself and the potential that this has to damage my relationship with my boyfriend. I literally lack anything and I think that it's time I sorted this situation out.

I have a few products that I got bought for christmas which I am waiting to get round to review. Lush & MAC. I could rave about Lush until the cows come home, I LOVE their stuff. I look forward to being able to purchase a few things when I get paid.

Nothing much really to say tbh. I've discovered that my boyfriend is more than likely going to move out with his best friend (*sob*). I am a little sad to think that it won't be me & the reason? Because I might be going into midwifery and thus, can't "afford" it. I'm really gutted if truth be told. I find it hard to believe that he will want to move out very soon after moving in with his best friend. It also means that any plans I had to move out are completely on hold. Although I love being at home and the idea of moving out terrifies me, knowing that I could see my boyfriend every day made it worth it. But now, that idea has gone to poo. I guess that means I have more money to spend on pretty things. Although, if I don't get into my midwifery, I will be absolutely gutted.

Fingers crossed I get in. Hurry up March/April!

Goals for 2013.

I know I know, I'm a little late in the day for this. But I've barely had time to sit down at my laptop for the past week or so! This year I have a got quite a few new year resolutions as well as a small bucket list that I would like (but don't have to) achieve. These have been made with an intention to make my life and myself, happier.. Although I'm going to try and not put pressure on myself to achieve them, I really want to and hopefully this will be the attitude that helps me succeed.

The list:
 - Save £2,000+ (I really want to move out soon and if I get in to be a midwife this will be very helpful!).
- Lose 2 stone. I say this every year and then I always fail, feel disappointed and the cycle continues. This year I'm doing it because I want to feel fit and healthy. I've got my head in a good place for this. I know that so much of my life will benefit from feeling good in my skin.
- Get confident. This will follow the previous.
- Dance classes. I LOVE dancing, it always makes me feel happy. So hopefully I can join a dance class  and help with the previous two goals.
- Be more organised. I am forever loosing things, forgetting appointments and in general, feeling like I'm forgetting something. I really need to work on this in every aspect of my life!
- Stop swearing so much! I have the worst mouth on me. Its not lady like and sometimes something I say may sound really harsh when I don't mean it that way at all !

Bucketlist:
- Ice Skating.
- Alton towers?
- Buy two beautiful dresses.
- Organise an AMAZING hen night.
- New clothes / wardrobe.
- PJS! (I always seem to need new pjs.)
- Book/go on holiday.
- Organise an EPIC birthday meal for my Mama.
- Volunteer somewhere ?


It's not anything fancy. Just wanted to start off small, Im sure my bucket list will grow as the year goes on. Adding smaller things to it (like sort my car out!). But that's what I want to work on this year. Hopefully this year will be a lot better than last

Good luck everybody with their resolutions! :)

xo