Why do I keep going back? Why? I really do not know anymore. I say to him we could do something tonight, maybe. He's been texting me every 2 minutes before this point and then doesn't reply. I'm sorry.. but WHAT?! That's just a blatant ignorance of that text message & guess what.. he's in my town tonight as well to pick up his new bike. I don't know why it's so hard for someone to say: I can't tonight. Sorry.
It's not hard is it?! It makes me feel shit. It makes me angry and frustrated. It makes me feel worthless. Did I really just say that this was the only person that made me feel happy? Maybe he's the only person that makes me feel anything: but that doesn't mean what I'm feeling right now is happy. I think I'm acting like his girlfriend, but I think I'd be just as pissed of it one of my girl friends did that to me. I've not spoken to LC today. Don't really know if I'm going to speak to anyone.
I've told... 4 people about my depression. BLCV. Only one has helped me. No one asks how I am. No one asks if I'm alright.. how I'm feeling. I don't feel anything apart from annoyance right now. Nothing.
I just want to get drunk and pass out, so I don't have to deal with anything or how I'm feeling. Which is not the right way to deal with it. But was it? I don't know. I feel utterly useless. I feel worthless.
B has just text me saying: I'm really sorry I fell asleep. But I guess that just shows worthless I am doesn't it. He even falls asleep during fore-play. I'm just boring. Worthless. So worthless. I can't tell anyone how I really feel.. Because what's the point. I bet they think I'm just doing it for attention, that I'm doing it because.. I'm pathetic. I bet people go: "what does she have to be miserable for?". Even if I start to tell people I feel guilty for putting that onto one. That responsibilty. Because sometimes I do wonder if it's my life they will hold.
I just want one person to make me feel that I'm not just like all the rest. I want one person to take a risk on me. You know, I think most of this depression would go if I simply got a new job. If I got the job I've applied for today... Because then I'd know that I was worth it.. That I was worth that risk.
The job I've applied for is a school secretary. It's in this cutest little place and its primary school so the kids at least look adorable. I think I'd love it. It'd teach me new things and it'd be different every day. It'd give me a reason to get up in the morning.. It'd be something that would be perfect in every way to be honest. I would love it. & ya know, if I didn't get to be what I want to be. That would be the perfect job for me at the time.
I just hate how miserable I am. But mostly I hate how much I depend on other people.. I feel so impossible. Like, I can't seem to function on my own.. I need constant acceptance.. I need constant feeling of being wanted for me. Because they want to spend time with me.. Not because they haven't got anybody else or because they feel sorry for me. But just for who I am. Because Im fun and exciting. But I'm not. I'd rather sit at home and snuggle of the sofa than go out. But I think I'm changing.. I want change. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
I want to go out and party and drink. Because at least then I can forget. Forget. What do I want to forget though? The disappointment I am to my family at the moment. The disappointment in the shit mark I got on my degree. The fact I got rejected from job after job & then my PS was shit so I didn't get on the course I wanted. I'm just a some kid who got a degree but can't get a job. People say to me what do you want to do & I tell them. They're like. YEAH you go for it. That's cool and all.. but only if I get on it. I don' know. I don't even know if I'm good enough. Probably not.
I've defiantly learnt that I love learning. That university and sixth form was places I enjoyed being. Just got stressed over it because of exams and marks. But that's the reality of the situation.
I've not text B back. Not sure when I will. I hope he sweats it out because he knows that he's upset me. WHY DO I CARE THOUGH. FML.
I don't even want to sound like a miserable cow either. I really want to be one of those girls who has lots of friends and goes out every couple of weeks. Meets loads of guys & just seems happy. I wish I was happy. I wish I was at least I happy or content person. Not even either of those. I think I'm an aggressive and frustrating person. Depending on the day depends on if I see the cup half empty or fall. Looking back at what I've just written just looks like a massive ramble, which I guess it is. It's gotten some of the crap off my chest and I kind of feel a bit better.
I guess this is a good idea.