Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Feeling low today. I keep getting dreams about B - as in me and him together in certain circumstances. I also dreamt the other day about K as well as B & his best mate. It was so weird because that was the situation a year ago. Well actually, longer than that. Seeing as K & J split up around this time last year. Wow. I feel in someways my head is stuck in the past, even though I feel a lot more logically about the whole thing than before.

I was meant to be going on a road trip with B & his mate but I've not heard anything from him since the other day - saturday I think. Which is good, I don't want to hear from him. But still. I feel I don't know. I dreamt last night we were together & then this morning I woke up to Adele being stuck in my head: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". This is not the sort of thing I want to think about at all. I don't want to think about it him at all. I know he's up already today, because I went on the dating website & he was there. It stings a little bit, seeing him on there. It really does. I don't want to care about it all. In some ways I think I'm making steps forward to not caring. but I don't know if I can trust that, I don't seem to really know how I feel about anything until some sort of explosion. I just checked my phone to see if he's text me: no. Although arguably I could text him - but that's not the point is it. I'm trying to let him go & move on. So not talking is the way forward.

I kind of feel stronger lately. I feel more in control of my life, I may have a potential job interview in a doctors surgery which would be fantastic. For many reasons. Just got to see if I get an interview as I got an email with the details of the job. I still feel, like, numb a lot of the time. I still feel miserable, I don't get much enjoyment out of things, but I think I'm getting better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or felt unstable. I've had a couple of nights crying, but talking to C about it has made me feel stronger. Her faith in me that I will get over things and get better makes me feel stronger. I don't feel like, I shouldn't be here anymore. Or what's the point. I defiantly still do not look to the future, I just think about the day and how I'm going to get through that. If anything I think about as far as the following two days or so. Time is going so quickly, I can't keep up. I don't know what is up or what is down these days. I had to ask J 3 times what day we were on. I just have no concept of the days.

Rethink have given me this diary thing. I think that's helped, I feel a lot more in control and structured. Whereas before I just felt lost and that I was sinking. Now I've got a good idea of what my day to day plan is, but I still feel like : 'I can't be fucked to do this'. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or because I do not have the motivation to do it. I started reading my midwifery book the other day and only got maybe 1/3 of the way through the first chapter. My attention span is shot to hell. But I had a moment of really wanting to do it - so I did. but otherwise.. for example.. right now. There's nothing I really want to do. I just want something to distract my mind away from today. If I can just get through today I will feel better. Oddly, I accidentally opened up an app on my ipod for the christmas countdown & the christmas music started playing - it was 301 days until Christmas. & that makes me sad. It makes me sad right now actually. That I'm going to be alone & single for christmas - I say alone. But only in the single sense. I will have my mum & dad etc.

God I found christmas SO hard to deal with this time round. I honestly think thats when my real depression hit. Because it would physically hurt. The reason, I think I had stayed at B's for one night and spent the day there. Yeah, and I came home for dinner. It might have been christmas Eve, or the day before, winter wipeout was on. I had the radio on and it was playing christmas songs & the loneliness I felt when I drove home. I don't know why, I don't know why I felt it. I had no problem any time before hand.. Actually, I think. I think I realised how fake the whole thing with B was, because I could pretend that I was dealing. But christmas is the time your meant to spend with your loved ones & I wasn't spending it with him. I think I've been in denial about him for a long time. I keep, I keep getting flashbacks of Ireland with him. The trip literally days before we broke up. That'll have been a year next month. Oh god, what if I can't cope through March?! It's B's birthday & a whole year since we broke up & Ireland. What if it hurts so bad? I've got a twinge now for christ sake. Fuck fuck fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Forget it, I'm just going to have to forget it. I won't care about it all by then. I have a month. Ish.

Please, let me get this job & let me move on from this.

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