Monday, 20 February 2012

I had the loveliest conversation last night with my Joey. If I were to have a best friend ever, she would be it. We just bounce of each other all the time. She's there throughout. She's just amazing. It was so weird ti hear her voice as I haven't heard from her  in a long time. But it was really nice. :) I'm hoping to see her in October to go to the twilight convention. We shall see cus I'm not sure how money/job is going to be then I'm really hoping that I can just say I want it as holiday or something. Idk. I still haven't heard back from the job interview I had nearly a week ago.. I'm going to go that that was a no. Shame, but never mind. I've just got to start again.

I had a warning on my blog because I was a bit concerned about how I was feeling, but think I might take that off as I don't feel so dark/gloomy/suicidal that I was. I've never ever felt so low in my life and I'm not completely out of the woods yet. I still struggled to get out of bed this morning, I still don't have the motivation to do anything. But I'm not thinking of off-ing myself at the moment like I was. I have yet to trust that this isn't going to come back. I just can't predict how I'm going to be. But for right now I feel ok.

In other news I'm cooking dinner for my family. So far I have made 2 very successful meals. Tonight I'm cooking enchiladas, which is probably going to be the most complicated of the lot. But that was really the point. I wanted something somewhat difficult so I can practice my cooking. Get used to using ingredients and hopefully, then I might take over the cooking from my mum permantently. I really really enjoy cooking. It gives me something to do and I help round the house by doing it. I think I'm actually an ok cook. It's just remembering to get this done in time. I'm hoping it'll make me more time aware and organised etc. Only a positive outcome really.

Probably going to have start job searching again at some point. But I just don't really want to. No motivation to do it at all. Right now I can't even be bothered to take the dog out.. I just feel so tired. I don't know if that's cause I fell back to sleep or because of the depression. I do feel more with-it that's for sure.

I just take a day at a time now. No real forward thinking otherwise I think I start to worry about 'what-ifs' and 'no money' / 'no job'. Which leads to more depressing thoughts such as ' i won't be able to see my friends / go out'. Or 'won't be able to give my family any money'. It's just hideously depressing. So I'm going to cut that thought of there.. anddddd.. go find something to do. Like play the sims3 until lunch. My life is so exciting.

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