WHYY. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!


So I text B after a couple of days of not speaking.. at about half 7pm. It's not 10pm and I've had nothing. It makes me go batshit because it annoys me so much when I don't get a reply. He's clearly read it & ignored it. Or he's read it & gone to bed. I know he's working all these days so I know for sure he's in bed now. But it doesn't take long to reply to a message. & you know what.. It annoys me because it ANNOYS me. It shouldn't annoy me and I shouldn't have text him because I've caved first and now I'm bothered.

Fuck. & that other guy hasn't replied to me. NOT FUN. Just makes me feel a bit panicky really.. not having him there. I don't even really know why it makes me feel SO panicky. I just want a hug... from him. I just want some comfort. Shit. OH just shit.

It's because I'm feeling lonely, that's what it is. I'm bored & lonely. I'm sitting in my room thinking.. "Now what? Now what do I do?" My life shouldn't be like this, I need more than what I'm getting right now. I know that for tomorrow & Saturday night I'll be ok because I'm going out. Tomorrow with LC & then Saturday with some family friends.

My and my 'best'.. well I wouldn't call her that now after what she said to me. She was so rude and low. She's text me twice with random shit but if she thinks I'm replying to her after what she said, without an apology or an acknowledgement she can JOG ON. I do not need to be made to feel any more guilty or shit about myself by the person I count on. If she carries on like this she won't have any friends, because people do not want to be felt like they're being pushed around.

Right at this moment I feel.. really empty. It's such a horrible feeling. Empty and lonely. With no ability to really take my mind of it. I've got nothing to look forward to because I don't really have the money to do anything. I just feel.. Gosh. This empty, heart-achy feeling is just horrid. There's no other explanation. I feel like I've completely lost the person I care about all over again. I had this for ages after L and for a while after B. Maybe I didn't really deal with this emotion and I don't really know how to get over it. Maybe I should google it and see what comes up.