Thursday, 16 February 2012

Talking to some-one that I haven't spoken to in a while about my depression. She says things like "you can talk to me about it" because she's been through it. & I do really believe her. But I don't really know.. Because we were really close and then we weren't because of our trip. But I suppose it's nice to have the support there.

Unlike others. I just can't believe people's.. attitude towards me right now. People should just respect me when I say that I don't want to go out and see people. I may have lied by saying that I'd only seen people once when I've also seen my other friend. But that's still only 2 occasions I've been out for my friends in the last 2/3 weeks. Why is it this such a big deal. Oh yeah, because she think's it's bullshit. Right. Nice. Maybe I am making an excuse not to go over, but I really do not have any interest in seeing people right now. I'm meant to be going out on Saturday for a night out in BT with L & her friends. As it's one of her friend's birthday. I'm not really sure I want to go. I'm really concerned that I'm going to be there and just be an annoyance because I'm going to be so miserable. Plus, I'm worried that drinking alcohol is going to make me worse.

She's also convinced that the only reason I've got depression is because I haven't got a job. Is she for real? If it was just that then it would be easy. But it's not.. its about my self-worth & self-esteem being completely shot. I've had disappointment after disappointment after heartbreak after self-hatred.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't seem to have the will to fight. I don't even know what I'd be fighting for anymore. None of my friends.. understand apart from one. & she can't just drop everything because she has children. I just want a cuddle. I just want some-one to take it all away. I don't think I've got the strength to do this anymore.

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