Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Not really sure what to say about things right not to be honest. I went for a job interview yesterday and I think it went well about.. 60%. I'm not sure if I have done enough for the job but I guess I will just have to wait and see. Just got back from a run with the dog. Only 20 minutes and it wasn't all running, I'd say about 50% running and 50% walking but I really feel exhausted just by that. I've got so unfit and it makes me miserable. Hopefully I can push myself to do this every day so that it becomes easier. In turn I'll feel fitter and hopefully, I'll lose some weight by it as well.

On the up date with B, nothing much to say really. I've had one text from him since I last saw him. But I haven't text him since that and I don't know if I'm going to. I feel like I'm moving away from that situation. Something that I'm half happy about and half unsure about. I want to go to him for sexy time.. because I haven't had that in a while.. But I know that this will fade after I haven't had sex in a while. My period was apparently meant to come through today and it hasn't. So here come all the thoughts about being pregnant. I think if I'm really honest, I'd LOVE to be pregnant. But I don't think it'd be for the right reasons. I know that getting pregnant and not being with the Dad will be a regret. I want to do things the right way, I don't want to be the same as many of the other girls in my area. Pregnant but single. That's not how I want it to be. Plus, I want to go back into studying and doing that with a baby with probably no true support system would be near impossible. I know that my parents wouldn't want to babysit and I don't want them to have to do it. I think the reasons why is because it would give me a purpose and direction. For some they need that, but I don't want it to be that way. I want to be pregnant because I'm married and thats the next step in the relationship. Sighh. That doesn't stop my head from springing pregnancy thoughts.

Still not talking to Jay. Me and her have had a really big falling out, because I feel that she's just had a constant go at me for doing.. well.. nothing. I'm not even sure we will sort things out. Just have to see, but for right now.. I don't think I want to be friends with someone who's not going to support me when I need it. That's not really a friend at all.

My Mother made a comment the other day about me turning into more of a control freak.. Now when I really think about it, then maybe she does have a point. But I think I'm going that because I can't control me or my own life. so I try and control other things so that I feel that I do have some actual control. That doesn't make it right or an excuse.. It's lead me to think that maybe I should be going on anti-depressions.  Maybe they will help me, I don't really feel any different to what I did last week or the week before. I don't really feel anything. But I don't know if that's because of the depression or if that's because I just don't have anything to have any emotion over. I'm meant to be going out Saturday for a friend-of-a-friend's birthday and I  think every body is going to get drunk. I want to. But I'm worried that if I do, I will just lose control. Alcohol is a natural depressant so why do that when I'm already like that. Or I'm going to text B something stupid and regret it.. Maybe. I guess it's another subject where I'm going to have to see what happens. Siiiiiiiiigh.

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