Christmass

Hopes everyone had a lovely time. This post would have had photos but, alas, my camera is dead. Christmas went far far far too quick. But I'm quite ready to wave goodbye to 2012, you have been a bizarre year.

Christmas involved a few near-death experiences as I skidded down the A12 to pick the boyf up. Dinner at Toby Carvery, where way too much food was consumed. Followed by the delight-able experience of present-opening. I am really delighted by the presents I got this year, I literally felt spoilt. New clothes & shoes which were gorgeous. Mac makeup and nail's inc nail varnish which is incredibly glittery. I got a few things from lush which I will be happy to try out, I love their stuff. I've managed to get my hands on some Snow Fairy; I absolutely love this product. I now take it to the gym with me, it's my little pat on the back to myself after every work out. I come out of the gym smelling lovely.

I'm hoping still, to get my hands on some soap & glory products but I am very very poor this month. After paying for Mama's spar day for her birthday and putting the deposit on my friend's hen night I have been left very light of pocket.

A few reviews to come once my camera is back to life!

Xo

S&G

I so so so want this. I have heard so many good things about this. I will be seeing if I can get my hands on this soon enough. 

New year approaching

It's scary to think that the new year is not very far to come. I'm hoping that it will bring a better year in general, I'm sure it will bring new challenges and what not. But one thing I want to try and work on, is the my skin care and to try to find some new make up / beauty products. I'm very neglectful some times to my skin, simple because I've not been in a habit to exfoliate and cleanse etcetc. But I really want to sort that out in the new year. I think it's just because I don't fully understand all aspects that I don't really know what to get. I'm also hoping to lose some weight - I say that every year and only have managed it once! I definitely want to try and be more healthy in general... again, we will see about that! : )

Christmasss.

It's nearly here, it's really really close. I can almost smell it. Although, that could be just the pretty candles I have burning, but that's neither here nor there. This is usually my most favourite time of the year. I'm naturally a very family-orrientated person. This year I haven't really bought many presents for people, but that hasn't bothered me. I'm SO excited for my Ma to see what I've bought her and very apprehensive about the boy opening up his presents. But hopefully all will go well.

I know that I'm getting so MAC make up as my mum slipped up this year, in fact, I seem to know what I'm getting from my mum & not by choice. Hello new clothes, hat, make up & high-heels! I've already started to think about her birthday present, she's going to be 59 & after my Dad's huge 60th I feel the need to treat her. After seeing some comments on both here & twitter, I've decided to book her (& myself of course!) in for a pamper day! It's not till May, so it's giving me something to look forward. The main reason for booking so early is because there's a special deal on the Clarice website (here) during December. Hello lovely 2-4-1! But there's also a special Mama & daughter day! That will be her start off gift, I might get her some jewellery, perfume... The difficulty with my mum is that her skin is super sensitive, so a lot of make up and other beauty products are a no go. HOWEVER, I will be seeing if I can find some stuff from Lush, but I highly doubt there will be anything there suitable. I just feel that this year has been a very difficult one not just for me, but for my mum. It means a lot that I will be able to treat her. I'm not sure what else to get, she's so hard to buy for!

But for now, I'm hoping she will just enjoy her Christmas presents - a day trip to spend with some wild birds. She LOVES bird, so there we go. Seemed perfect.

So the Christmas tree is finally up, outside lights are a go - tinsel is everywhere. Presents all bought & wrapped. WITH 10 DAYS STILL GO. I feel that I have achieved my goal this year.. Buy in advance.

How's everyone else's shopping experience going? Any suggestions on the birthday present front? :)

Ick.

The most common thought of today was : 'Please just don't be sick'. I honestly do not think I have ever been more nervous than I have been today. I literally was pleading with my stomach to remain where the FUCK it was. Thankfully, it complied well but there was a few moments where it was touch and go. The reason?

I had my midwifery interview today. It is the scariest thought that this one day has the potential to change my life, forever. I have decided that if I don't get in, I will try one more time and then I will have to find another career path. I'm not confident that I did well in my maths assessment at all - in fact I think I literally got half marks, maybe pushing to the 20 out 30 realm. But only if I am lucky. I'm semi-confident in my English. Can't tell how well or not I did in my group interview and I think I fluffed my end question on my individual interview. I know they don't expect perfection, but the thing is there are so many people applying for only 60odd places. The idea is to stand out, I just hope that my enthusiasm is what gets me through. I just want to do this so much.

Words can't even express.

Weekend jitters.

Home alone for the first time in months & months & months.. In fact I probably can't remember how long ago it was. Was meant to be spending it with the boy, but he's poorly so he's resting at home. But yeah.. Spent the day watching Gavin and Stacey and putting up the Christmas decorations.

It's weird doing it because I remember this time last year and WOW how things have changed. I am so much better than I was then. The boy told me he loved me for the first time and every single time I think about it, I have a smile on my face. Sometimes I really do wonder if he maybe the person I'm meant to be with. But I don't think I see him enough to really know one way or another; but he definitely makes me happy.

But putting that all aside, I am very very very very scared. Come Tuesday at 9am, I will be having my midwifery interview to get onto the course. Sometimes I really doubt my ability to do it, because of what's happened and because it can be an incredibly emotional job. But I think I'm a lot harder and clear headed because of my past. Sometimes I do question that because I'm still an emotional cow, but that is always going to be a part of me. But yeah, I can't believe that I've got an interview for the course, like wow. I'm really hoping that I can get on and get placed at a close hospital. I just, I'm really hoping that this will be the start of my career. It means that my life is going to be on hold for 3 years, but that's ok.

I think atm that's what I've got doubts about. I'm not going to be working and I won't be getting any money. I really want to move out soon (maybe with the boy), but I feel like I'm getting to the point where I am literally too old to be living with my parents. I'm going to be 23 in 5 weeks. Today I had someone knocking at my front door and he thought that this house was mine. He then asked for my age and asked what I did - he seemed surprised. :| Really odd, but it made me feel so old (Y). FAB TIMES.

Hopefully though I can get my life on track in the next year.

Moody.

It's been a long time since I last posted. I don't even remember what I last posted about. Nearly a month, bit of a crazy month too. I've decided that I'm not going to kid myself with this blog, it is what it is - a personal place for me to my deepest 'thoughts'. Thus, nothing particularly interesting as much as I wish it were otherwise.

Beauty Haul. Uno.

I intended this month to be a gentle month money wise. But after today, that clearly will not be the case. Three days after payday and I've already hit the shops. I justify this because I need these things. *cough*. ANYWAY.  My first point of call was next, with Autumn literally on our doorstep I figured it was time to buy myself a new jumper/cardigan. My mum pointed this beaut out to me.

It's lovely and warm, the texture is just so comfy. I sometimes find that some knitwear can make my skin itch, but I didn't seem to have any sort of reaction when I tried it on. The best bit was that I bought it in the size down than normal! Which I hope means that all these trip to the gym are FINALLY paying off. 

I finally took up the courage to go to a makeup counter to get myself some new make up. I've been putting it off for weeks, knowing that it was going to cost me a bomb and the fact that I get a little nervous when someone gets up close and personal with my skin. However, the lady that served me was really lovely and helped me out with getting the products that is best suited for my skin colour and type. This picture indicates how amazing my skin looked after she had finished applying the foundation, concealer and blusher. I don't really wear a lot of make up, but when I do on a day to day basis I want it look natural. I'm not a fan of wearing foundation that is a shade too dark and leaves a line of the side of my face/neck. But that's just down to personal opinion. Either way I bought makeup that was close to my skin type. The concealer is just fantastic. The genes in me, means that I naturally have dark circles under my skin - whether I'm tired or not. I also have quite narrow eyes, so I have to be careful with the amount of eye liner I wear. So as the picture demonstrates I have no dark cycles! My eyes look a lot bigger and brighter. I just look healthy, which is a bonus considering I'm just getting over my cold. :) 

  

The last place I visited was boots for some new shampoo for my hair. I generally without fail, go for Aussie shampoo. It just seems to improve and keep my health nice, shiny and heathy. As I walked in I noticed that there was a sale, 3for 2. YES. Perfect timing. I bought my normal Aussie products for my hair which I love. However, usually when I go to the gym (I try and go 3/4 times a week), I literally have to wash my hair every single time. My hair is extremely important to me. I have tried very hard not to get into the habit of washing my hair every day. I hate greasy hair with a passion. With this in mind, I've always bought every day shampoo by Aussie for obvious reasons. But felt that it was maybe time for a small change (and a slightly cheaper option). After many recommendations on bbloggers, I have decided to try out the VO5 revive me daily. I hope that this shall be as much of a success as I have been informed and will be testing it for the first time tomorrow after work :D 

 I also bought this, Vo5 treat me right for my hair; mainly because there was the 3-4-2 offer on. So will see how this goes :) Has anyone else tried this product?

Hope everyone else has/is having a lovely sunday :)

Personal.

Pass me the butter...

I'm not going to lie, I love Lush's bath bombs. In fact, if I could get away with it I'm sure I would have a bath bomb ever. single. day. No joke. I haven't been able to afford any lush stuff in months, so at the beginning of August, when I got paid I went straight into lush. I bought two things: 

1.) Dragon's Egg - Release the beast (Colour change; glittery; uplifting). I bought it for the fact that it sounded amazing, but when I popped it into my bath I had completely forgotten that it had glitter in it. Well, when I stepped out of my bath I looked like a glitter ball and so did my bed the next morning. So I guess, yes, it did deliver on improving my mood. It also smelt delicious too and my skin still smelt lovely the next morning alongside the glitter. I would definitely use this product again, maybe before a night out. To give that sparkly edge. Maybe.

 2.) Butterball - Fizzy Vanilla Musk Bomb. (Both photos). One of the main reasons I bought this was the fact that it had the words 'cocoa butter'. I could literally eat the stuff. Smelt absolutely GORGEOUS. As you can see it had some extras involved which surprised me as it buzzed around my bath. When I stepped into my bath I could already feel how it'd made the water feel, almost silky. It almost made my skin feel super smooth and continued to do so for a while after. 

I love everything about lush. To it's political stance, to it's forgiving packaging to the fact the products always live up to expectations. Will 100% be going back to buy these again.

Review - Face mask #no1

One of my favourite pass times is relaxing with a good face mask. More than usual, me and my skin get on so decided to treat it, I bought this on a whim whilst in Asda, waiting to be served. Pretty sure it cost less than £1.50 so nothing that will break the bank.

I always try and find the peel off types, not sure why but I have preference for those type of face masks. I actually think I've bought these ones before but a long time ago and whilst using this I remember why I haven't bought it in a long time. The packaging in which the product comes makes it pretty difficult to get the liquid out unless you cut right down to the bottom. I was hoping that a little squeeze on either side would push it open, but it's fair to say that all it did was squish everything together and make it in possible to see how much I had left; unless I got both hands dirty.

I did this a couple of nights ago and from what I remember there wasn't much of a nice smell to it. Which I was disappointed about. The liquid/syrupy stuff was easy to apply once you had managed to get it out of the packet. Left on for 20 minutes, some other areas needed 30 minutes & then I got fed up with waiting. Peeled off easily. Left my skin feeling very smooth that day and the day after. So for that it worked quite well.

Would I buy it again? Maybe. It's something I would buy providing I couldn't find anything else. Has anyone else tried this?

Emotional Dream.

I've just watched the 'Make me a midwife'. 

The second episode of The Midwives that has been playing on BBC2. I've never had such an emotional reaction to a TV programme. I was absolutely terrified, elated and excitied. Lately I have been having doubts about whether or not I would be able to do it. The amount of responsibility as a midwife is huge. The work load is massive and the course itself is just hard work. I do wonder if I have the ability to make it - even if I were to get onto the course.

But watching that programme has just confirmed that being a midwife is just what I want to do. More than anything in the world. I just can't explain the reaction I just got. But wow. It makes me want to get up and work on my personal statement and apply right now. But I'm not going to rush anything, the worst thing that could happen is if I didn't get it. Because this is everything to me.

Dry shampoo - The saviour.

The one downside about trying to go the gym a lot is washing my hair. I literally have to wash my hair as soon as I feel like I've gotten hot and sweaty. Greasy hair for me is a massive NO-NO. I'm utterly paranoid about having greasy hair. Anyway, whenever I go to the gym I always wash my hair with Aussie's Everyday Shampoo (boots). Simply because I hate the idea of having way too many unnecessary chemicals in my hair on a daily basis. However, the downside of this is that my hair does get semi greasy by the next morning/afternoon. Introduce this gem Batiste Dry Shampoo, my personal fav is the Blush, which I have in the biggest form. I generally go to the gym straight after work, which means that between the hours of 7:30am and 4:30pm I am stuck with whatever state my hair is in. There is no point washing it, if it's just going to be washed later on in the day or it might be because I want to sleep the extra 5/10 minutes.

With all that in mind, I needed a dry shampoo for me to basically function without worry about my hair. The only negative side affects of this product is that if you spray it too close, it will leave your hair grey/white. This needs to be thoroughly rubbed in with both hands and brush, but once this has been rubbed in it leaves my hair looking clean! It's a big worry and issue off of my shoulders. Highly recommend :)

Gym-tastic.

Motivated? Positive? Get up & go?

I'm pretty much lying to myself that I have all those things in order to go to one of those things ^. A gym. I've been a member of my gym for 4 months, having been a member a year beforehand. I managed to lose a stone with the helping hand of weight watchers. The last 4 months have been hard and the gym has pretty much taken a backseat in that. In doing so I have made excuse after excuse not to go. "I'm too tired" or "I hurt too much" or "I have things I really need to do at home". Although these reasons do hold some truth to them, I've found that really the bottom line is that I've been to lazy to go. But now, I seem to have my motivation back and I'm going to convince myself enough that I do. I would really love to lose half a stone by the end of September in order to feel more confident when I basically play host at my Dad's 60th birthday party. Whereby half of my family will be there and shit loads of friends of the family. I want to feel confident and have beautiful photos to look back on. So my goal is to lose half a stone by the 29th of September and maybe a dress size?! I want to buy a beautiful dress that I can wear and just feel amazing.

My weight has been the thing that's held me back for so long. Probably too long. It's time I take control and hopefully start to feel better about myself. It will be good for me, my boyfriend & my life.

So I decided to bite the bullet and make my profile sort of... public. haha. SO HIII, to anyone reading even if I know you or not. Not going to lie there is some very VERY personal information on here that I probably should remove if I were to read it again or make it private.. I may do that now anyway. But I feel it's time for me to branch out now and develop this blog in a new and positive light, rather than the negative one it started in. Maybe in some ways it will help in a new way as well!

I don't get blogger and how it works. I just click follow & publish and that is about as far as it goes.. & as far as I am aware that's all it does. Tell me if I am wrong! I hope some find this interesting, some may find it dull. I'm not really fussed. I'm just happy that I have it. It's more a diary than anything tbh!

So yeah. My blog, my views & my experiences I guess :)

I really like a lot of the bbloggers posts and I would love to join in.. Very tempted to create a blog for fun stuff and then keep this one as private. Not that I'm bothered about people reading it, I'm just not sure if I want my personal friends to read this as many of them don't know what I've been through. (Update on that later.) I'm not ashamed of what I've done but it's not necessarily something I want people to see for the first thing, if that makes sense.

I'm not sure. I think it's something that needs to be more upfront rather than tabboo. It's a horrible choice to have gone through, so no-one should ever be made to feel guilty for making that choice.

Nails :)

Not going lie, even from a tiny kid at primary school, I have always loved nail varnishs & the look of a french manicure. Although I have never been a very girly girl in my teens, I feel like now I'm starting to become more like that. Getting more involved with make- up and so on. But nails, I just I LOVE them. Pretty nail varnish has always been a bit of a soft spot & shoes apparently, that's a very recent development. ANYWAY. I thought I would do a little review on the nail varnish I bought recently.

It's by Rimmel, and claims to have a professional finish & anti-fade colour system. The second photo (neither of which is very clear, but I hope you get the idea), was taken after two weeks of applying the nail varnish. It hasn't chipped or faded really at all.
I'm a lazy nail looker-after, so I generally keep a varnish on for a long time until it's needs to be reapplied or taken off. This is usually after a week, so an extra week additional time is a very positive outlook for me. I would definitely recommend, if like me, you don't have much time to work on your nails & want a quick & affective nail polish :)

Eveninggg :)

I am feeling much better these days. Can honestly say I feel like I've moved on from the all negativity and definitely trying to become a more positive person. They say it's all about perspective and here's to me changing that.

Jamie and I have become official.. The date was the 5th of August 2012 and I think I've fallen in love with him. He just makes me so happy on a really subtle level. I feel like I can be me and I don't need to worry. I just feel content and contected to him on a level I've never known before. The other night we just sat and cuddled and watched TV and I was just.. relaxed. So relaxed. I have never felt like this before. I'm not insecure, I'm not worried.. Its the first time I've not been uptight either. I do worry that sometimes I'm going to be emotional for him and I sometimes get scared of the risk of getting hurt, but I just feel like this is really worth it.

I really feel like I'm taking control of my life. I restarted my university application today to become a midwife. To be honest it wasn't a lot of work as my application from before was still about. I juts had to update it. I really hope because of the job I do, that it will give me the edge I need to get in. It's so hard to become a midwife these days because so many people want to do it. So fingers tightly crossed that I at least get to the interviews this time. Then I will freak out because I will be completely out of my depth as I don't know anything they will ask me.

Money wise I'm ok. I went into my overdraft by £200 last month - EEK. Just got paid on Monday so hopefully this month I can stop spending. I've not put £400 into my savings account and although £100 of that is going onto my tattoo, I feel that I'm getting somewhere. I always knew that the first 3 months would be a case of me spending a lot to catch up with things I needed to buy. Then having my luxuries on top of that. AKA. Two expensive tattoo's (will have cost me £400) and then my high top converses (£42), but I LOVE them. This month (I say this month, I got paid yesterday),  I spent £25 on some bed linen for the new bed sheets I have. I just need another 2 sets then I'm happy. I just need some more Pj's   & some more tights & tops & an outfit for my dad's 60th (although potentially already have an outfit in mind) for it. I have booked in a make up artist for myself for the party & am debating if I want to get my nails painted pretty or just keep them tidy for the night. Either way, I want to really push the boat out.

The only thing I need to before now & then is to finish my midwifery application & maybe lose half a stone (?!) and I will be happy.

For now I just want this cough to die and for me to feel healthy enough to get to the gym in the first place. :)

Clearing out my old clothes, pjs and underwear. Anything with a reference to a previous life pretty much needs to go. I need a new start and I kind of feeling I'm shredding my old skin, metaphorically speaking.

I literally could snap right now though. I'm due on my period and my emotional state is fragile to say the least. I literally can not stand ANYTHING. I half want to be left alone and half want to be chased after. I'm stupid and clumsy and I just can't do anything right. At work I just feel like such a loser and my anger is so easy to spring upon it's insane. I'm arguing with my friends, I just.. I can't even explain it. Maybe that's my problem, maybe that's the issue here. I'm trying to make sense of something that's completely irrational. I just feel like such a horrible person. I've turned into this spiteful jealous person. I see people and think "you don't deserve that". Or someone tells me something and I think: "you're just telling me that to spite me - SO KINDLY FUCK OFF". I'm just so irritated at everything.

I think I feel a bit stressed and overwhelmed with everything, but really the only thing that's getting on top of me is myself. I'm stressing myself out by putting too much pressure upon myself. It's not healthy or good. I feel like a failure at this moment in time because I didn't go to the gym today, but my leg is hurting from the chiro. I don't want to go to the gym. I just want to sleep. Forever. Never wake up. I'm probably going to get into my pjs after I finish writing this with my book and hope that I go to sleep just before 10pm. I need sleep and I need to feel calmer. With a clearer head. Seriously. It needs to be for my job.. I just don't understand myself that much.  I don't know why I do it.. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and even if I do it makes me vulnerable because some one then has the chance to knock me down.

Shit with friends going down... I just can't be arsed to deal with it. At all. I just. I don't even know. It's shit because I don't really know what to say and yet I feel like I've got so much to say and do that I don't know where to begin and yet, I sit down and think right, what have I got to do and I don't have anything. Apart from the gym and starting my midwifery application - maybe. I just think I need to relaxxx and calm and just switch off from everything. I just need a cuddle from my boy and some laughter.

I really do.

I feel like after the massive drop a couple of weeks ago that my life is starting to pick up now. Tomorrow I go to the doctors for check up and to see how everything is going. I feel a lot more positive in me and my skin. I guess with the decision that I made too. I kind of feel now that I was never was pregnant or the drama surrounding it happened. I sat down and had a frank discussion with my 'bf' or whatever he is and I feel a lot more... secure with it. Him admitting to me that he will never understand what I went through didn't make me feel so alone about it. I just feel a lot happier.

I almost want to start shouting about this blog on twitter,  but I can't because people from my personal life would read this and I just don't want them to. Maybe one day but not now. I've made plans to see people and I've been going to work and although today I feel poo because of the heat, I do feel better. I don't really trust it because I don't really understand what triggered of what happened before. So I feel a bit like I'm walking on egg shells at the moment. Been going back to the gym, haven't been so far this week because it has just been so incredibly hot that I just can not function. Not that great when you're meant to be working - shit. However, I think they understand.

Also this week I bought a shit loads of stuff online. A shit load of new underwear, tops & dresses. One dress doesnt fit me so well because it can't get round my boobs, but I'm tempted to hold onto it o see if I can fit into it when I lose some weight. See, see what I did there? Lose, as in I WILL lose the weight. I\m going to go tomorrow after work and before I meet up with my (ex) work collegues for dinner. Going to hit the weights & the cross trainer. Really just, want to do it this time. I want to lose 18pounds and be happy with my weight. I really do and I really hope that this time I can manage it.

I'm home alone tonight and the evening is dragging so bad. I've got nothing to watch and nothing really to do that appeals. Maybe I should watch a film or read my book. A part of me has wanted to be on my own for a while, just to breathe. But being at home alone, without my parents, is a little lonely. It's just so quite. I feel like I've made a bit of a break through. Going to the gym is definitely helping with this. It keeps me busy and it makes me feel good about myself. It's just about building my confidence back up.

I kind of think the reason why I found this week so hard to deal with is because I started my new job. Which in itself is a very scary thing, but this job deals with end of life patients. People are dying and die. It's a rather depressing scenario but I believe now I've gotten used to it, I hope. This week seems a little daunting but I'm hoping that in a week or two I will become more confident in my job and will actually start to enjoy it. I think I find my boss rather intimidating and I don't want to come across as stupid or an idiot. One of my biggest issues. So hopefully, once I'm more settled I will feel more secure and happy. Less on edge. Thats what I hope anyway.

I really want to start getting involved in a community online but I don't really know what and where to look. I know that there is a healthy blogs out there, but I'm not involved with food or fitness to really fit into that category. My interests are books, piercings and tattoos, gigs etc. More of the alternative. Its not something you can talk about on a daily basis. But I hope that maybe I can find some people to connect with.

I've been trying today to see if I can find any blog posts that people have written about their experience of having an abortion. I didn't really find anything, but I don't really understand how blogger.com works search wise to really find that information out. I hope that at some point I will be able to figure it out and find out how other people have felt going through it. I definitely do not feel ashamed of what I did, but I know I do feel ashamed that I got myself into that situation. It's an idiotic situation which I would never have estimated that I could get into. Maybe one day I will really get over it.

Life/Tattoos

Definitely feeling better about stuff right now. Some drama has gone down. Arguments with friends and no longer being a bridesmaid but there we go. I wanted to write about something that makes me happy; my tattoos. I can't help it, but I actually adore tattoos. They are just gorgeous, beautiful art that stay with you for the whole of your life. It wouldn't surprise me if I ended up with loads all over my body. I love them that much. At the moment I have 6 and I just wanted to express some happiness love on my blog as I don't think I have for a little while.

1. My first ever tattoo was not long after I turned 18 and was legally able to get one. It was a heart/butterfly/musical note which was inspired by my love of my favourite band at the time. (Kill Hannah). I don't dislike them, in fact I still love them. But the tattoo itself just seems lost now. It's a small one, probably no bigger than a 50p. I was 18 and wanted something, but now amongst all my other ones it just looks a bit out of place.

2. My second tattoo was 3 stars on my right wrist. This has now been extended. Some of the stars have either been coloured in or shaded. It's now extended out so I have 9 stars in total. This got extended out after I had my 4th tattoo.

3. Two cat paws on my inner left arm. Which again got extended out so that there are now 4. This was to show my love of my cats and is in fact (so far) the most commented on tattoo I have. But maybe if they saw my last tattoo they would question that. I find it quirky and loveable. Our cats always walk all over us. Especially when we're all asleep. I love cats and hope that I am always able to have a cat.

4. Cherry blossom on my right arm. It was to represent strength and family. It came after my break up with an ex. It symbolised strength to me and that I would never be alone. It was a more of a representation of my mum and family, but didn't want to have my mum's name tattooed on me. It is something personal to me and something that I love. Plus, it's pin and very cute.

5. Lady Gaga lyrics on my ankle. 'Freedom in the music'. I LOVE gaga. I actually do, but the lyrics aren't just because of my love of her. This is probably one of the biggest representations of me. Ever since I was 13/14 I have used music to get through life.When I feel sad or happy I always want to play music. I just love it. It is something I believe in and I do always feel free when I listen to it.

6. My biggest tattoo so far. Is on my back on my left shoulder. It is a portrait of my Gran who died when I was 3. I have her name and dates tattooed around the picture. She is beautiful and is a character who I was unable to meet and remember. If I can be like anyone in the world it would be her. She put up with so much in my family and she still was able to stay strong. I feel like I was robbed of her, but now I feel like she is always going to be with me. She is always going to be there when I need some-one and to look out for me. She will be there when I get married and have my kids and so on. She is now a part of my life that I can remember.

So thats what I have so far. I'm getting my first tattoo covered in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. It's going to be quite big but I'm excited. There are two more that I want after this and then I don't really know. See if I have any more ideas :)

I keep telling myself that plenty of other women have done this and that there are worse things to happen to me and to my life. This should give me perspective right? In some ways yes. But it doesn't stop the emotions I feel right now. The severe heaviness that is weighing me down. I feel like I'm drowning in everything. I hate myself for putting me into this position. I just want to stop hurting, but the guilty I feel is hideous. I'm so tired already of feeling this way and I don't know where and how and why it will end. I have everything I said I wanted. A job. A good, stable morally helping job. A boyfriend - he practically is anyway. Good friends and people I speak to every day. So why am I not content. I don't even really strive to be happy but I just don't. I don't. I can't even express my feelings because I don't even know what they are.

I can't even be arsed to deal with this shit. I'm trying I really am. I've started back at the gym - I almost cried in the gym today. How embarrassingly awful is that. I just want to shout PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. And then I snap out of it for a little while.. .. Until I feel myself sinking back down again. I'm going to book a doctors appointment and see what she suggests. I might have to have some counselling or something to help me deal with this. I don't even know if I want to do that because I don't really like talking about it anymore. When I was ok I could put a front on and it was fine. But now. Now I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to see people. I just want my boy to give me a cuddle and tell me it'll be ok. But the worst bit? I don't even feel I can do that. I don't feel emotionally stable enough to let go. To open up. Because I think he will just run away. I don't have that emotional trust on him to let him in.

My mum? I semi have but she told me she was so proud of the way I've dealt with it. I just don't want to talk to anyone about it. But it's something I can't seem to forget about. I just feel awful. Awful. Awful. Awful. How the fuck could I do this to myself? I preach on to people about the arrogance of taking another life and here I am, having done the same. Even for whatever reason. I took that life. Even when people are so desperate to have that gift.

I don't want to be like this. But a part of me feels like I don't deserve to move on and be happy because what I have done is awful. So awful. I wish no-one knew. I wish I'd kept it a big secret and not told a soul. I feel like my heart's broken. Numb and angry. I don't want to see other people's joy. I don't want to see other people's happiness, it feels like a reminder of the thing I can't seem to get back to.

Returning?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm fully over my depression completely or if it's just come back to wave it's ugly head at me. Having an abortion has been a difficult thing for me to accept. I do not regret what I did because I know that ultimately the mature decision was made. Having a child in my situation would not have been a fair thing, however I sometimes find that I'm having to convince myself of this. I'm a vegetarian and have been my whole life. Mainly because I feel that just because I'm a human doesn't mean I have the right to take another thing's life. I have sometimes wondered that perhaps my strong vegetarian beliefs have made this process a whole lot harder for me. Although I feel that my life is just starting for me with my new job/career tomorrow, I feel like in someways I'm kind of stuck. I keep feeling guilt that is cutting away at me. A part of me feels like I've gone against my vegetarian believes because the abortion has taken away a life. Something that I have been so against for so long. Although I do not regret my decision and I do not wish to go back and to change the outcome, I find the whole thing saddening and ever so slightly shameful. It was by an idiotic decision that led to an extreme outcome which will leave me emotional scared for the rest of my life.

Fact.

It is something that I guess I will just take time to get over. I feel like this cut was a really deep and subtle cut that I've done myself, really. A part of me feels that I was never able to have a choice in my decision and that's what I've found even harder to get my head around. Circumstance affected my decision. Money affected my decision. Because in reality just loving a child will not provide all that is needed. It makes me feel so.. empty that things that like affect my life so greatly that it prevented me from becoming a mother. In some ways I'm sure that even if I could have afforded it I'm not sure what I would have done. The idea of being a single mum and doing it without the love/help of the father may have been enough for me to make the decision I made. I think I have found it hard to find the morality in what I have done. I try really hard to make the decisions that I believe are morally right. Sometimes I may toe that line in some sneaky way but ultimately I act in a way where I try not to hurt others, putting myself before them. In some ways I feel like in this situation I have done the most self-ish of acts. Although I could always argue the other point of it too.

I kind of feel like I did before. I don't have that get - up - go like I did just when I was starting to get better after the depression. I don't really feel happy or excited. I feel unstable and tired and not really bothered. I got my gran's tattoo finished on my shoulder and decided to go through the things my grandad had left me. I literally sobbed my heart out at the letter he left me, even though I had read it before. It was the "one day you will have a daughter to pass this on to" and "take care my dear girl" and my heart just broke. I just miss him and the way life should be. I feel like I've lost out on the opportunity to be a mum and yes, I know it wasn't my only chance and the time I do do it, it will be the right time. But I don't know. I just felt so ashamed at myself and wondered what my grand parents must be thinking of me.

I feel like the whole thing has a left a bad taste in my mouth and it's rocked my self esteem/confidence so badly. I'm half terrified that Jamie is going to run off because he can't deal with the emotional commitment that I could ask of him. I don't want to be miserable, I want to be a fun and happy person that makes other people laugh. But I don't know.. I don't know anymore. I don't know what's going on my head or how I feel. I just feel like there's this great big weight over my heart and it's probably just all the emotional baggage that has come with the abortion. I feel guilty and selfish and miserable.

I just want to be happy. I just want to feel secure. I just want to like being in my skin and right now I don't. I just feel horrible. I feel a little better for getting it out of my system. But I just feel raw. It's been 2/3 weeks since my surgery and I just want to move on and start again. I want to make plans with people and do crazy shit so that at least it was all worth it. I'm hoping that from this months pay packet life will pick up again. Right now I'm constricted to what I can (not a lot) and can't do. I just want to be happy and I kind of want to be happy with Jamie too.

I'm finding it difficult to trust him emotionally. I'm scared that if I open up to him, he'll just think I'm being really clingy and over the top and too much and run away. In some ways if he does that then he wasn't the person I thought he was. But it just seems too soon to be doing this to him. He might just go 'this wasn't what I signed up for' and fuck off. We're not even official yet. We're.. like.. exclusive but not a couple. Whatever the differences in that is. I think it will take us time to get to that point.  I think I will be a lot happier when I am. I just..I want it to be sunny and to wear sunglasses and go to the beach and just feel nice. I want to be going to the gym and feeling fit and healthy. Why can't I get to this point?! Why can't things be a little easier for me than a constant struggle?!

I hope that things will start to pick up with my new job that starts tomorrow. I just.. I need it.

I'm no longer pregnant. I had my surgery yesterday and I can honestly say that I'm happy with the situation. I feel so much better because of it. I feel that I can move on and find some enjoyment in my life again. This has just given me a chance to start again; I'm no longer emotional but clear headed and actually happy. I'm really shocked that I feel like this. I thought I might be emotional or sad or regretful. But I know 100% that I made the right decision. It cost me a morning off work and yes, it was hard going through surgery because I don't like it or needles, but it was quick and it was painless.

It was worth it for both me and the baby. Because the child would not have had a good quality of life and I know that when I do get pregnant, I will do it because it's the right time. Because I'm in love and because both me and my partner want to do it.

Conflicting thoughts of the heart and mind.

I have never ever been in a position where I was as confused emotionally as I am now. Maybe I thought that the situation with B was confusing and in some ways it was. In other it was now. I chose to ignore the very details that would have ultimately have made my decision to stop talking to him earlier than it had been. But right now, I'm conflicted. Sort of.

I'm pregnant. Only 4 weeks gone on Saturday. Making me 4 weeks and half tomorrow. If you want to be specific about it. Pregnancy is defiantly a time where emotions should be joyful as it makes up for the simple fact that the first trimester of pregnancy is utterly pants. I'm spin from being insanely hungry or feeling sick. When I eat I feel uncomfortable pressure on my tummy and it makes me feel that I'm going to throw up. So far, I've only thrown up once. Last night. Not shocking as after a couple of mouthfuls of food I couldn't eat it anymore. A desert I've had no problem eating before. It's an odd feeling. It has been the only time so far that I have actually felt pregnant. A part of me believes that the sheer discomfort in my tummy is just a side affect of the emotional turmoil I am currently involved in. My emotions peek and drop all the time. A constant roller-coaster ride that I have no control over nor can step off. I feel robed of the fact that my first time of pregnancy should be a joy-ful occasion and yet it is not. In fact is has been anything BUT joyful. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life as I have done over the last week and a half. It has ultimately left me feeling rather.. emotionless for the time-being. My body and my heart would love for me to go through with this pregnancy and become a mum for the first time. I'm 22, I'm old enough, I can do this. I'd be a brilliant mum and I would love my child without question. I would do anything for it. But really I'm having to ignore all theses basic female emotions because in my head I know it wouldn't be the best thing to do.

I live at home with my parents. I've just started full time work with a contract of only 6 months. The guy I slept with (Jay) I've been talking/seeing for only two months and we're not even together - a can off worms I can not open right now. Something I need to write about as soon as I've finished reviewing how I feel.  People keep telling me that yes, it's your decision. No one can ultimately make it for you. But I find that that line is quite frankly, a fucking load of horse shit. I know that if I were to go through with it I'd probably break my Dad's heart even if he were to come round to the idea in the end.. and disappoint my mum. Those are two things I just couldn't bare to do. I love my parents more than anything and to have them have those feelings is not something I would volunteer for. However, on the flip side I know that they would always come round to the idea and would fall in love with becoming grandparents. My friends, well I pretty much have 4/5 friends telling my completely different things. In hindsight it would have probably been best not to have told any of them but I'm not programmed to be like that. To not talk about it. It just does not happen. Two of them would LOVE me to keep this baby. Telling me how they would help look after baby if I went through with it. That I could continue being a midwife and they would give me all the help in the world. Another things I shouldn't go through with it at all, that she herself, could never do it. But the fourth has been a perfect friend; non-judgemental, no pressure & keeping as objective whilst supportive as she can be. I really do have to forget that whilst yes, I am pregnant, Baby is not viable until 20+ weeks. A progress I will never get to in this pregnancy.  However one of them, I feel is almost guilting me into keeping it.

I know she doesn't mean to and I honestly do not think she realises what she's actually doing when she said the things she does. I've told her I won't drink with her, because I don't want to disrespect my baby or my body. However she finds this is odd seeing as I don't want to go through with and will get rid of it. Even though by "next week it will have a brain and a heart"... Facts that I truly want to know. NOT. I do not need to know where the process of developing my baby is. In fact I try not to see it as "my baby". Doing so means I'm recognising it for what it is and in doing so, will make it 10xs harder to go through with the abortion. I hope that no-one is getting the impression that this is something I want  to do. Because I don't. I would love to keep it, but I can't. I can't look after it alone and I can't support me or baby either. I want to be a midwife and I want to be able to provide for my child. Some would argue that I'm putting myself before this child. Putting my career before my child. But I'm not. I believe that to be a good parent you need to be happy too. In being happy yourself you can pass this onto your child. I want my child to be happy. This isn't just my choice. Because this choice has a rippling affect to me, my parents, my friends, my life, the dad's life & his family. That would be a consequence of my choice. So does that really mean that it is my choice? I don't think it does at all. I think in situations like this you have to be mature enough to recognise that choice's have consequences and you have to consider how people react to those consequences.

Jay. Well. Jay doesn't want this baby. He will be relieved (as will I to be fair) when this is all over. It has never been discussed what would happen if I changed my mind. I've never even admitted to him that I have doubts about the abortion. That a part of me wants to go through with it and have a baby at the end. So I don't even know what he would say. To be honest, he pretty much ignores the situation unless he wants to talk about the abortion. Not that that has been talked about much either. In some ways I feel like I've been alone in this situation with everyone else talking AT me. Minus one. I just feel nothing right now to be honest. With makes me a numbed out person really. Every now and then anger with break through. I get angry a lot at Jay because he's got it easy. He hasn't had to deal with the emotions, the minor body changes, the upset to my digestion, feeling & being sick, the uncontrollable mood swings & on top of that not being able to talk about it openly with it. Two of my close friends don't know. & one of the people I have told I wasn't meant to. I feel like it's all getting on top of me and I just don't know what I feel anymore. I've never felt so raw in my life. I do worry that the guilt I feel afterwards might trigger my depression. But I try and dismiss this thought as quickly as it comes.

In truth the situation is insanely hard and it angers me that people thinking that having an abortion is the easy way out. Because it's not an easy decision and in some ways having a child is the easier option for some. I hoped that by writing this I would know how I feel a bit more. But I really don't. Maybe because I've tried to disconnect myself so much now that I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to be reminded and I don't want to feel. If I feel connected to this thing inside of me then that makes it all even harder. It's a situation I wouldn't put on anyone. A situation I thought would be a lot easier. I got pregnant because I took a chance. A chance on the fact that I had sex with some-one twice in one night and thought the chances wold be against pregnancy. Something that I was clearly wrong about.

I have learnt that decisions isn't about what's all rosey & lovey-dovey. Sometimes you really do have to look at the hard facts in life and as much I wish my life was not dictated by other people and money/finances the simple truth is: it is. It's this that ultimately has made my decision. I don't have a choice really, not right now. But it does mean that when I become pregnant again, that will be my choice.

I'm pregnant. 

I'm actually pregnant. I took my pregnancy test Saturday morning around 6:30am and it's now sunday 8pm. Jay knows and he's been amazing. I'm booking in with the doctor asap and then going to booked in at the clinic. I don't know if it's the sort of situation where it's the same day or not. I don't even know. But I'm having an abortion. Jesus I've not even said that. It took me over 12 hours to even say that I was pregnant let alone going to have a termination. My hormones are all up the creek to be honest so I can't really honestly say how I feel cause I don't really know. 

But I think, I think I love being pregnant. I know I've only known less than two days but. yeah I think I really do. I saw Jay today and we both agreed that we wouldn't be able to provide the best situation for it all. So yeah here I am. Agreeing for a termination. At the time it's the right thing and I know I will go through with it. It's probably going to kill me a bit inside but yeah. I'm going to do it. And. I don't know. I'm just emotional and shit. I'm bawling my eyes out and I feel like shit and I can't take anything. 

I just don't even know what I'm meant to say or feel. I just hope I'm strong enough to keep it together. 

Sometimes I wonder if the depression is coming back or if it's simply because I'm back on contraception. The worst thing is about being back on contraception & I know it's taken effect is the fact that I am pretty much constantly hungry. Which sucks arse if you're trying to lose weight like me. It's then going to be typical that all I want to do is eat. Fabulous. So now I've got to try and ignore all of that. But back to topic..

I feel like.. people don't give a shit. Well, no. Not true as such. But.. I don't know. I feel that two of my closest friends are no longer closest friends anymore. I don't feel like they're interested in me or what I've got to say. They were interested in me lately in so far as they want to know about things with Jay - but then they know him too. So of course they're going to want to know that sort of information. But it just felt so awkward when we all met up the other day like.. It just did. Another example is JB. Went to the gym & as soon as she saw someone she knew she was off with them.. Its like the tiniest silliest detail & yet here I am worrying over it because it proves to me how much must think I am this that & the other. I think it's just insecurities bubbling. I'm getting nervous because my first day at my new job starts tomorrow and I'm worried about it. Normal behaviour yes.

To my last post about pregnancy.. That's not the case at all. It turned out I had a case of bowel craps. Unpleasant, painful & a tad embarrasing. But there we are. NOT pregnancy. THANK FUCK. But yeah. I'm not sure what's occurring with Jay. I really don't. We talk every day, he stayed over mine on Saturday & had dinner&breakfast with my parents. It almost feels like it's stepped up a gear and I'm not sure if that's what I want.. Well.. Idk. I got a look in on his past from when he was 16 & it was so.. dark. I can't even explain it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do. But I basically got told that he got mixed up into things.. Which is weird. It's not something I'm used to and it's not something I've ever been involved in. He also told me that he had some weed on Saturday. Not a big deal, no. But I don't really find it attractive & let's just say it affects other things that goes on. Jeez. I'm not really sure what he wants from this & I do get the impression that there is NOONE else going on either. So yeah, I'm now not worried about that. He's also a very private person, he keeps his cards very close to his chest so I know I should feel privileged that I know some of the information but it still.. I think it terrified me a little to be honest. Some of the people I know are very much going: THERE'S LOVE IN THE AIR. & I'm like WOAH. WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHH. I'm not sure I'm ready for that sort of thing right now. I do not want another heavy relationship at all. I just want to feel free about things. Already I don't. Not by him, but because he's friends with my friends. I don't want things to affect my relationship with anyone else. I know it's incredibly early days & I'm not even sure I should already be having these thoughts? But I am. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed with the information and I hadn't prepared myself for things. The whole... meeting my family thing is quite a big step in some cases. If you talk to some people.

Right now I think I'm just uptight about my new job. Money. The future. If I'm going to re-apply to be a midwife. When I can re-apply. There's just so much I'm thinking about at the moment. I think in a week or two, once I've settled into my new job. I will feel better. But until then, I think I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous. Ok. A LOT.

Having sex unprotected & not telling a soul.. Including the person who I had sex with.. Then becoming paranoid that you're pregnant... That's me right now. Oh my god. My lower tummy feels weird today. I had a really bad wind earlier so I'm going to it down to that. I think, no wait I know how paranoid I get because I've had it before. FML. Why can't I just be pregnant-able only when I want to be. Why can't I be in control.. I'm back on my pill since last Saturday because I think we're going to be bumping the uglies again.. Plus, I think this might be going somewhere too, so because it's going to become a regular thing back on the contraception I go. But I had no idea, NO idea that we would be having sex last Saturday. I don't know why I didn't say anything, I really don't. But I think I was embarrassed to say no when I REALLY REALLY wanted to. IT's a big thing for me to have sex so yeah. I'm just going to have to wait another week and a bit to discover whether I am. I think I would actually cry if I was. Like omg. cry.  I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want to have to go and take the morning after pill when it fucked me up so bad last time. Yes, last time. You think I would have learnt by now.

Oh oh. Here we go, I can feel the licks of panic starting in my stomach and working they're way up. I can't get pregnant, it would be the end of my life. Well not literally. But, no. I want to do it when it's right and when I'm married and with someone I love. Jeez, me and Jay have literally been seeing each other a matter of months. But this feels weird. WEIRD. I think I'm going to have confess to J because she's been pregnant, she knows what it's like. If I feel the same as her I will burst into tears. It's too late to take the morning after pill, so if I was pregnant.. Well I don't know what I would do. I don't want to be a mum right now, I really don't. I'm not ready.

WELL, I just had a thought. I started taking my pill. YES. That's totally the reason for my lower tummy to feel weird. Because it's adjusting to that. YES. That is how I'm going to see it. I'm still going to ask my best what it was like and then go from there. If my period doesn't come through in the next 16 days then I may cry.. Wait I'll leave it to 20 days and go from there. YES BINGO. We will do that. The thing is, when I said to my mum about the pains I was getting she asked me I was on my period. Like no? So then she was like, it's just really bad wind. But it doesn't last this long does it. I don't even like this feeling. It's like it's all tightening up and weird. WEIRD. Fml.

Please don't let me be pregnant.

Can't believe.. just wow. Okokokokok, so back up a bit. Basically, Jay came round last night and well let's just say we bumped some uglies. Three times & it was good. Oh my jeebus. He's the third person I've ever had sex with and within the quickest time frame.. All though I say this I can't even remember how quick it was before I had sex with L. I know with B it was 4 months. With Jay it's been 2 months and technically our 3rd date. It trips me out a bit. I sit here and I giggle to myself because I can't quite believe it. I'm not really sure if it will happen again, I think I will. Oh my days, it was just lovely.

We cuddled for hours and if he hadn't of had work he would have stayed over. So I drove him home at half 1 in the morning, so today I am exhausted. Im not really sure where this going to lead, but I hope some where good.

I had an emergency chat last night with one of my closest friends (R). I think she's got depression, just like I did. So I read out some of the posts I put on here and in doing so have realised just how far I have come. Sometimes there is nothing like reading what it is the past to remind and show you how far you have come. Don't get me wrong I do have my bad days; days where I just can not be fucked with anyone or anything. But I think that this is just part of life. And as an adult you have to learn how to deal and cope with these days. Because that is all it is, it's just a bad day. Just because you don't have depression anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going to have depressive days.

I'm really excited because I've got a new job which starts on the 3rd of May (Thursday). One of my uni friends work there so it's going to be awesome to know that I have her close by. Potentially working on the same contract too, so we literally be together. But putting that aside, it's nice to know that I'm going to have money come in. That I'm going to be able to work and have a purpose and have an income. I'm going to be having 4 times the amount of money than I did on JSA after tax. I'm really lucky in the job I have managed to bag. It's not necessarily the job that I want to have, but it's good. Hopefully this will build my confidence up on the work front and coupled with going to the gym as well, I'll feel 100% better about myself.

Talking of the gym, I'm really proud of myself that I have managed to go every week day. I'm so tired today, but I think I will get used to it. I really want to be going 4-5 days a week even when I'm working. Saturday mornings I'll be doing Zumba which is soo much fun. Then maybe pick up another class when I feel that I've got much more confidence in my abilities.

I just feel like after all the shit that's happened in the beginning of the year that everything is coming together. All of that was worth it because of what I can get out of it. And the best bit for me? It's not because of a boy. It's not because of how a boy has made me feel or do. It's because I've done it. I did it.

Hopefully over the next couple of months the progress will improve and I will feel fitter/healthier and then happier. I'm going to weigh myself on Monday to see if I've made any progress of the weight front. Even if it's just a pound I will be pleased. Just got to keep going, because it's all worth it in the end.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have anxieties. Which I really do put down a lot to why I got depression to the extent that I did. Not going to lie, there were several moments when I just wanted to end it all. I didn't feel good enough and I felt that what I did have to offer in general was pretty shitty; so I felt like there wasn't any point in me trying to fix it. However, that has passed some what. I now have a brand new job and also 2 interviews for other jobs on Monday. I think I'm going to cancel one of them, but I would really like to get the hospital job, seeing as I want to be a midwife an all.

Anywayyyyy. Have totally rejoined the gym yesterday. After relaxing in the jacuzzi for about 30 minutes yesterday, today I actually intend to use the gym equipment. & book into a million classes. I really want to lose a stone by the summer. & than 2 by the time I go away in October! YES.

Insecurities.

I've always been a girl to have a low-self esteem & low body confidence; leading to me having a high number of insecurities. Of course a lot of these is because I know i'm not the skinniest girl about, although I'm not the biggest, I am the biggest out of my circle of friends. In 2008 I managed to lose over a stone in weight and completely change my body shape: I really felt the most happiest because I was finally dealing with my body hang ups. Nearly 4 years down the line, I've managed to somehow keep that body shape and only put on half a stone since. Not the best, but not the worst either. Of course when it comes to boys my body issues have always been a problem; getting attention, keeping attention and having the attention. I've always put a lot of my problems down to my weight, whether that be the case or not.

Over the last 4/5 weeks I've been taking Jay. I've actually met up with him twice; the last time being on Monday when we went to the beach. I swear I think he might have kissed me, but I quickly went in for a hug.. So maybe, I don't know. But the hug did defiantly seem a lot longer than the previous two we've had. A hug.. That's as far as any sort of physical sense has happened. I don't mind this, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how this boy sees me at all. My insecurities before got to me so much that in the end I text him asking him if he wanted to see me again or not. In short his answer was yes, but he wasn't looking for any relationship because he had been burnt before. He then went on to tell me that his head is so busy thinking about his job / career and moving out etc that he doesn't really have the time for a girlfriend. He then went on to arrange to meet up with me on the following Sunday. Sunday came, no defiant arrangements made. I text, it was moved to Monday where we went to the beach. Ended up talking about sex in the car, which was in someways excitingly embarrassing if that even makes sense.

I don't know what's really going on. I'm sure that the number of messages I'm getting from him are fewer and farther between and it makes me feel that he's not really into me. I don't know if that's because of who he is.. Well actually I do know this. He even admitted to me that he sucks at texting, so I shouldn't take it to heart. I spent my day today with a friend, within the space of a week she's put her slutty (not nicer way to say it..) on the shelf for a boy who she sees as 'perfect' for her. Within a week, they've had sex and seen each other every day and text all the time. Compared to my thing with Jay, there's really nothing to it. I don't even know if the guy fancies me.. People say that we've been on two dates but how do you know if they are dates? I don't know if me and him are on the same page at all. By saying he wants to see me again doesn't necessarily mean he's seeing me as more than friend.. Well.. Actually know that I think about it, he was the one that mentioned romance.. so.. well, yes, I guess that does indicate that he has been seeing me as more than a friend I guess. So well yeah. So the guy doesn't text me that much because he's at work and is busy.. doesn't mean he's not interested. Plus he's admitted that he doesn't text that often because he doesn't like using a touch screen.. So. Yeah.

I think my problem is; I compare. I compare too much. Watching my friend be the way she is with her potential boyfriend - which is a shock in itself ... Sort off.. makes it seem that what I have is nothing. Talking to my friend L though she's just said that you can't compare friendships or relationships and she's right. I know she's right. But sometimes it hard. Especially when you have so many hang ups over your body/mind/attractiveness. Thankfully I have a job which starts in early May. Hopefully this will give me something else to concentrate on. Rather then wondering what he's thinking. Because I won't know. Unless I ask. Maybe.

Feeling so very nervous about tonight. Granted it's only 2 friiiiiiiiiends meeting up and yet I can't help but feel its more than just friends meeting up. Maybe. I don't know. Even so, I'm mentally gearing myself up to it and have got a check list of all the things I need to do before I go. So. Really, this is more than just two friends meeting up. Well, for me anyway. Damnit. I hate feeling so vulnerable and not knowing if this is completely one sided or not.

In someways I don't even want to do this. Be like this. I think it's because I'm hormonal and don't really know how to feel about anything because I can't control those emotions. I don't know, this situation has RUNAWAY written all over it. If I can just go in with a friendly attitude than I can't lose = WIN. *cough*

I am exhausted. I really feel emotionally and physically drained. I feel like today I have crashed landed out of whatever happiness I was in. I have officially been given the all clear from the depression, but now I've just got to deal with the anxiety. A job would seriously help with that.

A job would do wonders for me not just financially, but also in giving me a sense of fulfilment and purpose. I would have something to get up for and get something in return. I'm doing some volunteering back at the hospital in Admin in hope that it will better my chances. It's only one morning a week but it's a start and hopefully, if it goes well I can pick up another day. Anything so that I'm not stuck with the constant boredom of home life. It's not fun sitting on a Monday afternoon in the job centre waiting to just sign a bit of paper to say that I've looked for work, it's demeaning and belittling. At least for me anyway. I hate the idea that I have to ask for help, especially fiancially. I have never really asked for anything in life.. Not out right anyway. But now that I've had to, although it's a massive weight off my shoulders it just does not sit well with me. It's defiantly a struggle every day to make sure that I keep the balance of money and money going out. I need to make sure that I keep enough money in so that I'm good for October & enough to socialise with. I'm lucky in the sense that I only have to pay £45 a month in bills.. But I'm meant to pay at least £250 to my parents alone, plus my phone bill, petrol & if I could, gym membership. It's a nightmare. But that's the situation as it stands and I've sort of accepted it. In some ways in the last 2 weeks I've enjoyed my free time. Going out to the beach when I can because I love the beach, it is by far my most favourite place in the whole world. The sun has been shining, it's just lovely.

The biggest impact in my life the last couple of weeks would be the introduction of a new potential guy in my life. Jay (not his actual name.) He is the loveliest guy I have ever come across, he's sweet, caring, funny, flirty and I think, pretty gorgeous too. He's a friend of a friend.. The situation that I wanted to be. We've been texting every day for the last.. 10 days. Not a long time, but enough for some one to make an inpact. We meet on a night out and we've planned to meet up again on Friday. I really do not try and think about it, because I'm pretty terrified about it all. It's the insecurity of the whole thing, because although we get on really well.. It's still got to count of a physical level too. Something I am not comfortable at all - but that is the situation. I can count 3 negatives about the whole thing:
1 - He lives in the town my ex does. A place where every one knows every one. & in fact Jay does know B. Frickin A.
2 - He smokes. I hate smoking, so I don't know if I can deal kissing an ash tray. But I'm not going to let that put me off because it's a tiny thing amongst many good points.
3 - he doesn't drive. HELLA situation. Because that means because I drive I'm going to have to make most of the trips, been there. Done that. Not an easy situation, because I get the pressure. But if he's as lovely as he seems I think he would be worth it.

I'm just going to see by Friday what the situation is, I've already told him about B in so far as he knows him. When we dated and so on. But not what happened, how it happened, the shit, the "friends with benefits". Just god no. I'm also concerned with telling him that for the last 3 months I've had depression, but you know, it's cool cause I don't have it anymore. Fun convo to have. But that's that. I don't have to cross that bridge for a long time now - might not even have to do it. But he's lovely and he makes me giggle. I got butterflies when he text me yesterday - then I know he's thinking about me.

I think I just feel really deflated because my cycle is been going crap. Coming off the mini-pill might not have been the brightest idea but I felt that I needed to.. As soon as that sorts itself out hopefully I'll go back to feeling more myself & happy :)

I know what I want.. I want love. That sort of happy love where you act like kids and hold hands. Yeah that is what I want now, defiantly. Maybe I need time to let go off B before I could decide that. Because doing so meant that I wanted something away from him, as he wouldn't give that to me. Now I just want some one to come along and for us to be together and be happy. Nothing serious as engagement, just to love each other. Especially in the summer. That Wouk be glorious.


A girl can wish though.

Another new week. Hopefully going to be a good week. I'm pretty busy most of the week: going out for dinner twice. Once with my family and another with C, L & A. So it's going to be fun.

With regards to the depression I defiantly feel that that dark cloud has lifted. Completely this time. I think now it's just a case of hoping that a job comes my way. I don't feel I have anything massively to stress about now. I'm on JSA now, I don't feel so miserable.

A really important thing is that I'm not having to deal with the whole thing about B. It makes me feel sad and it make same want to cry a bit still, but I don't have that ache anymore, I don't have that loneliness anymore. I feel that i've moved on with it all. Ready to move on with it all, find someone else or not. Because that's ok too. I feel that it's going to get better and I'm ok being on my own. I want to be ok on my own now.  The only thing I need to do now is get over my craving for fast & fatty food and I'm sorted.

Sighh. I have this really strong urge to talk to B. I don't know why I get them or what spark them - I guess I just miss him. Someone mentioned paranormal activity today and I had such a strong image of two years of me, b, j and k all sitting at b's for his birthday watching it the night before the sky dive that never happened. The image is so strong its like it happened a week ago not 2 years ago. Also stumbled across messages between b and me saying : I love you etc. it doesn't even feel like me. It's like reading two strangers having a conversation. I wish I could just forget about him and let it go. Now. Not in a few weeks or whatever.

Thing is, I know he's not missing me or wanting me so why do I wait around for him? It's his birthday at the end of the month. And it'd be a year since we broke up as well. I think it's going to be a difficult month but I'm thinking hat once this month is out of the way it'll be over. I hope. Just can't believe that in some ways I'm going to be on the same position last year this year over the same guy. Silly me. But at least I've learnt some things. Friends with benefits with an ex just doesn't work.

:(

Rejected. Rejection. I'm fed up of being rejected from jobs, what is it going to take for someone to give me a chance?! I just want a nice part time job with my two lots of volunteering - if possible. So that I would earn enough to pay my way, set money aside & be able to do what I want. With the volunteering on the side gives me the chance to become a great midwife. Why is this so hard?! Why does it have to be a constant struggle ALL the time?! This is such an utter shit time to be unemployed and I hate it so much. I can not be arsed with dealing with it anymore. I almost want to give up - but I know that I need to keep going. I'm so exhausted with everything at this moment - with life, looking for work, with my heart.

I keep saying the same thing over and over. But I never seem to get anywhere with ANYTHING. It's just so hard right now. I feel like I'm so stuck in this same place and no one thinks I'm good enough to take a chance with. Rejection is hard to deal with, it really is. I'm just so fed up now. Fed up of feeling stressed. Fed up of feeling rejected. Fed up of not feeling good enough. Fed up of not feeling content in life.

Some one, please: give me a chance.

I feel massively frustrated right now with money. I absolutely HATE money and nothing can frustrate me more. Whether its the lack of it or wanting it.. Just hate it, plus how much the not having it affects people. I'm literally scraping the barrel right now with the amount of money I have left over. I can't even afford to give my parents anything, it's a joke. I don't even know when I'm get JSA to cover my arse. The most frustrating part is that I can't get anything I want or save for my future. Say I get £200 for a month. There's £40 gone for dance classes for the month. Another £20 gone for October.. Plus £75-£100 towards my parents. That leaves me with £40 a month for stuff. Whether that be going out for dinner with my girls or whatever. £40 for a month. That's £10 a week. I guess in some whats that ok, because I don't do anything to spend any money. But, it means it's always got to be tight. I could even go, right, I'm not doing anything for a month and join the gym. I don't even know if i'm going to have enough to cover October.

If october is 7 months away and I save £20 a month towards that.. That gives me £140. That will just cover the fucking hotel bill & maybe travel. Not even the ticket. I have £50 saved atm, plus another £50 next month. Hopefully another £50 this month. So at least that's the ticket all paid for. Although maybe it would just be better getting the cheaper ticket - ER NO. This is a once-in-awhile thing. This wouldn't be an issue if I had a job. Jeez. Some-one PLEASE, give me a job.

A couple of days off my routine and I'm starting to feel crap. I'm really starting to miss B. I haven't spoken to him since last Tuesday when he randomly appeared outside my house. I'm trying not to cave into texting him because no doubt if he doesn't reply I'll be getting stroppy about it and then I'll just be back to the beginning. At least with this I can only forget things and move forward. The other guy that I liked S, well I think that's a no go. This is the 3rd time he hasn't replied to my message so, unless I get very drunk on Saturday and text him then I don't think I will be hearing from him again. I think I just give up on men. I just give up and I think that this is the best way to be. Not caring about having someone means that I can be ok on my own. Being single. The only downside to being single is the fact that I get a bit lonely. Ok, right now, a lot lonely. I've felt lonely all day today when I've stopped. I think, that this is because of the fact it's a week tomorrow since I spoke to him. But it's time to nip this addiction in the bud. I don't feel control, I don't feel that I have my self control when I feel as pants at this.

I know that in time this feeling will go because I will forget about him. Right now I'm concentrating on me and my life and making my career possible. Daddio's sending of my application form to volunteer at the women's refugee and I've made contact with another place. Hopefully these will all better my CV to be a midwife. My dream job. & pay. Just everything about it makes me feel excited. There is no better job for me than to be a midwife. I really pray with every being that I will get accepted into the course this year. Then I will literally have the count down to my start date which will be September '2013. Which if I can convince myself enough, is not that far away. Nope, not at all. Only a month and half. But who's counting?

I just hope that doing this volunteering will mean that I get the experience of dealing with parents/children that others won't. Plus I can always do some more at the hospital if need be. I'm just trying to keep my head away from thinking about B. Because then, then maybe it won't be so bad. Not that it's as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago - no not at all. I feel like those weeks where months ago. I feel like that horrible cloud has lifted now. But my anxiety is worse for it. I'm trying really hard not to break the roles and even something as small as that makes me worry.

As much as I want a job I really want to volunteer to get that experience under my belt. Hopefully I can do some on a Saturday or an evening if I do. I just guess I have to see how everything goes. As per.

Just applied for JSA. Well this does wonders for my confidence. Done it after a big argument with my mum. Really not sure if i will get it considering I have some money in savings.. Which I had out there for when I move or get married. So not a clue if I will. But at least my mum can get off my fuxking back about it.

However after that crash I got a few boosts as a few people I know said by they thought id be a good and trustworthy midwife. This makes me happy as hell considering two of them have had babies and know what it's like. I just really hope that the university will see it that way when I go to reapply! God I miss studying :(

Had sort of a good day. Got some queries out of the way and now know where I stand. I've got this lovely lady helping me look for work so that's good. I was really anxious about going to met her though, not sure if I would've gone if my mum hadn't of been there.

Not surely how I'm feeling right now. A bit low I feel. I saw b yesterday, not planned. He just turned up and we had a quick trip to tesco before I went to my dance class.. I tried hard to be casual around him, not hold his hand or anything like that. He gave me a big and a complement about my bum which I just laughed off. Haven't spoken to him since, although I've text him about going to this festival. Not sure if I regret it now. Just do know if I can be bothered to deal with the hassle of getting there. Hmm. We shall see what he says, but if I hadn't of text him about that then I wouldn't have text him today.

In other news I have a potential date. Its a guy I've been interested in for a while. So I just wrote him a quick email and than ran away. He says he wants to meet up too :). Im doing it to see if j want a relationship or anything like that. Plus it can't hurt to see, also help me with the situation with b. cus if he's meeting people well then, so am I. I just wan to be friends with him and be cool with him being with someone else. I'm fed up of the same things and feelings.

Maybe now this will help, who knows.

I really do wonder if he went on that road trip today or not. I don't know why I'm so interested. I'm probably never going to hear from him again or go to his flat again. My heart aches at that, but it's going to have to man-up and catch up with the logical side now. Enough is enough. I can't go on like this with him. Just because it sort of hurts me now doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.

Just go off the phone with a very nice lady about some practical support. She's given me this number to see where I stand legally and I've been booked into see a guy about my CV / volunteering / career help. So this should help and if nothing else it may help be get some information under my belt about what's going to make me more likely to apply/get in to be a midwife. Maybe.

Was just talking to Mum also about everything. I said to her that I wondered if B had gone on the trip. I told her that I don't really know what I want or even don't want when it comes to him, a relationship, causal things; not just with B but with other people. I just do not know. I don't think having another relationship casual or serious is going to help the situation because I don't really know how that's going to help.

So yeah, at least I'm getting some extra help now.

Feeling low today. I keep getting dreams about B - as in me and him together in certain circumstances. I also dreamt the other day about K as well as B & his best mate. It was so weird because that was the situation a year ago. Well actually, longer than that. Seeing as K & J split up around this time last year. Wow. I feel in someways my head is stuck in the past, even though I feel a lot more logically about the whole thing than before.

I was meant to be going on a road trip with B & his mate but I've not heard anything from him since the other day - saturday I think. Which is good, I don't want to hear from him. But still. I feel I don't know. I dreamt last night we were together & then this morning I woke up to Adele being stuck in my head: "I dare you to let me be your one and only". This is not the sort of thing I want to think about at all. I don't want to think about it him at all. I know he's up already today, because I went on the dating website & he was there. It stings a little bit, seeing him on there. It really does. I don't want to care about it all. In some ways I think I'm making steps forward to not caring. but I don't know if I can trust that, I don't seem to really know how I feel about anything until some sort of explosion. I just checked my phone to see if he's text me: no. Although arguably I could text him - but that's not the point is it. I'm trying to let him go & move on. So not talking is the way forward.

I kind of feel stronger lately. I feel more in control of my life, I may have a potential job interview in a doctors surgery which would be fantastic. For many reasons. Just got to see if I get an interview as I got an email with the details of the job. I still feel, like, numb a lot of the time. I still feel miserable, I don't get much enjoyment out of things, but I think I'm getting better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts or felt unstable. I've had a couple of nights crying, but talking to C about it has made me feel stronger. Her faith in me that I will get over things and get better makes me feel stronger. I don't feel like, I shouldn't be here anymore. Or what's the point. I defiantly still do not look to the future, I just think about the day and how I'm going to get through that. If anything I think about as far as the following two days or so. Time is going so quickly, I can't keep up. I don't know what is up or what is down these days. I had to ask J 3 times what day we were on. I just have no concept of the days.

Rethink have given me this diary thing. I think that's helped, I feel a lot more in control and structured. Whereas before I just felt lost and that I was sinking. Now I've got a good idea of what my day to day plan is, but I still feel like : 'I can't be fucked to do this'. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or because I do not have the motivation to do it. I started reading my midwifery book the other day and only got maybe 1/3 of the way through the first chapter. My attention span is shot to hell. But I had a moment of really wanting to do it - so I did. but otherwise.. for example.. right now. There's nothing I really want to do. I just want something to distract my mind away from today. If I can just get through today I will feel better. Oddly, I accidentally opened up an app on my ipod for the christmas countdown & the christmas music started playing - it was 301 days until Christmas. & that makes me sad. It makes me sad right now actually. That I'm going to be alone & single for christmas - I say alone. But only in the single sense. I will have my mum & dad etc.

God I found christmas SO hard to deal with this time round. I honestly think thats when my real depression hit. Because it would physically hurt. The reason, I think I had stayed at B's for one night and spent the day there. Yeah, and I came home for dinner. It might have been christmas Eve, or the day before, winter wipeout was on. I had the radio on and it was playing christmas songs & the loneliness I felt when I drove home. I don't know why, I don't know why I felt it. I had no problem any time before hand.. Actually, I think. I think I realised how fake the whole thing with B was, because I could pretend that I was dealing. But christmas is the time your meant to spend with your loved ones & I wasn't spending it with him. I think I've been in denial about him for a long time. I keep, I keep getting flashbacks of Ireland with him. The trip literally days before we broke up. That'll have been a year next month. Oh god, what if I can't cope through March?! It's B's birthday & a whole year since we broke up & Ireland. What if it hurts so bad? I've got a twinge now for christ sake. Fuck fuck fuck. I hadn't thought of that. Forget it, I'm just going to have to forget it. I won't care about it all by then. I have a month. Ish.

Please, let me get this job & let me move on from this.